To be blunt, our relationships are in chaos because we’re in chaos. Since mental health has not been a priority in school, this is probably the reason so many relationships are suffering. Until people are taught the tools to keep their emotions in check, relationships will suffer. Not knowing the proper tools, instead of focusing on cooperation, couples focus on competition. Another problem is couples getting locked into the “I’m right, and you’re wrong,” mindset.

The first day in graduate school, we were told: “There is no right and wrong, only learning.” They asked us how our life would be if we focused on love instead of war. There are two paths you can take with relationships – the harsh judgmental one or the kind road of love and adventure.

At war within ourselves, we struggle to be happy, at peace, and enjoy life. We look for what makes our partner and others less than us. What makes people different? I noticed in the news, the focus is on not what makes us the same but the differences. He is gay, men do this, women do that. She is old, or too young, black, white. When we focus on the differences, problems are created. If we focus on the person’s bad traits, the relationship will suffer. Mother Theresa said, “If you judge people, you don’t have time to love them.”

Our Ego is to blame. It is the part inside of our brain that puts people down to bolster our sense of self. If you treat people badly, will they love and respect you? Or, the real question is: “Do you respect you?”
In conscious relationships, people choose to grow in love, have peak experiences, and learn to laugh. After bonding in drama for so long, thinking positively takes a big commitment and can be difficult – but the effort is well worth it. I know that putting people down can be fun, but it will cause the relationship to suffer, and if that behavior becomes habitual, it spells the end of something that may be beautiful. Treating our loved ones with respect by hearing them out, even when they are angry with us, has incredible benefits. If they are trying to make themselves right and be superior, make this okay. The real issue is: do you choose happiness or anger? Bonding in drama? Constantly being right. If you apologize, your relationship strengthens.

Relationships are two people relating. Do you know what the number one communication tool is? Listening. The mere fact that your loved one is talking means it is important to them. When we work with couples, there are two skills we work on – Heart Centered Listening and Perception checking. Actually, there is a third – silence. Let them talk. Repeat back what you heard them say. It is natural to want to defend yourself or tell them they are wrong; however, if you thank them for being brave enough to say what they feel, your bond will grow closer. To be honest, their upset is really about them. It is something called “Projections,” but we will get into this shortly. Let them talk, ask them to say more about this, and be silent.

Relationships thrive when both partners practice “Heart Centered Listening.” Honor the speaker. Silently communicate your love for them, even if you feel you are in the doghouse. If you have done something in error, tell them about it – be honest, then tell them what you learned from it so you won’t repeat it. This is called intimacy – which is communicating sensitive issues – a mark of a conscious relationship.

People are 99.99% the same. If we are all spiritual beings, then we are here to learn, grow, and become a better person. Do you have recurring problems? When we process through these repeating issues, we heal at the level of the soul. Avoiding problems will only have them return. How long do you want to face the same problems?

Now, if you end a relationship and begin another, if you don’t process through the mistakes you made, you will find a way to repeat them with this new person. Yes, our relationships are a reflection of how we are as a person. Do you like you? Do you trust you? Are you critical of yourself? If you don’t work through this, your relationship overall will be filled with tolerating, mistrust, and being critical. Bottom line, when we are interacting with others, we are basically interacting with ourselves.

Sigmund Freud believed that the main part of our personality (Our Ego) dealt with keeping us safe and in control. This Ego was our sense of right/wrong and had a list of all the rules one needed to live by. Freud warned that this part of our self is very fragile and afraid of being overwhelmed. Because of this, we have defense mechanisms that we use to help us stay sane. I am sure you have experienced these or seen them in others.

Here are the top ones:

1. Projections

Projections to Freud were like us being a film projector and projecting our negatives onto others (the film screen). In AA we would say, “If you spot it, you got it.” My dad said: “If you point your finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back to you.” To be honest, it is easy to see how damaged other people are, if you are damaged. “Look at that idiot!” Well, how do you know they are an idiot, unless you are one yourself? In owning projections (agreeing you are this way too), you can focus on changing these judgments within yourself. “But, they are really Narcissistic,” you may believe. Regardless, healing within yourself is the real matter. The antidote is to work on being the opposite of narcissistic – being more kind.

2. Displacement

Here is where we are angry with one person and vent that frustration onto another. It isn’t uncommon for a spouse to take out their frustration on their partner if they are angry with their boss. Venting, handled properly, is the key. Never vent toward loved ones. They are not your garbage dump. Relationships are about sharing love, not venom. Instead, take out paper, write out everything that is frustrating you, then rip it up or burn it. Or, write that person who has upset you a letter, then rip it up or burn it. DO NOT RE-READ! Get that negativity up and out. You can also walk and talk – simply purge out your negativity.