We are only as strong as our emotional make-up. If it crumbles, we go into a crisis. For eleven years I worked at the first Mental Health Urgent Care Center, seeing over 7,000 people there, before moving up to this area to run a clinic. At the crisis center, problems, too difficult to deal with, caused problems ranging from manic episodes, psychosis, suicidal ideation, and above all – hopelessness. Our job, was to piece people back together.

I saw a bumper sticker years ago that read ‘ “When all else fails – hub your teddy bear.”  Silly, but actually very true. When all else fails, we lack access to the higher functions in the brain. At this point, we can’t think our way out of the problem.

Sigmund Freud, basically the father of psychology, named many Ego Defenses to keep our mind functioning properly. One defense is named regression – where the mind slips back to earlier developmental stages, and in one moment we can act like a rational adult, in the next, feel like a helpless child. Unfortunately, regressed states can last for long periods of time.

If you find it difficult to think, cope, talk, are filled with panic, overwhelm, and thoughts of suicide, you just went on the full regression slide – to infancy. This can be commonplace if you grew up in a chaotic environment and subjected to, or witnessed abuse. Ninety percent of the suicidal clients reported experiencing childhood abuse. Does this mean they are destined to be in a regressed state for the rest of their lives? Not if they learn how to heal from the effects of abuse.

If you turn to substances to help you feel better, this points to having “developmental wounds.” Developmentally speaking, the oral stage begins our life journey and pleasure comes from the mouth. If you suffered abuse from an early age, it is natural to remain stuck at that age stage – finding it difficult to trust people, and even yourself. When clients tell me they hate themselves for how they were as children, it is a red flag in our profession. This tells us that the person was wounded at this sensitive stage of life and needs to address it.

The oral stage, also referred to as the stage of trust, is the most important stage to repair, since that is the foundation of our emotional wellbeing. No, we can’t think our way through this stage, we have to feel our way through it, through the use of emotional tools. Not logical, emotional tools often take the form of psychodrama, play, and (my favorite) reparenting.

I’m sure you’ve heard about loving your inner child. Often clients will tell me at intake that they love themselves – believing it is the buzz word I am looking for. “Yes, Dr. Scott, I love me. I eat organic food, exercise five times a week, go to acupuncture, have regular massages, and think positive.” At the same time they are drinking a half gallon of Vodka a week!

Psychology 101 – Our brain has the conscious part – dealing with reality, and the subconscious part – which stores unwanted thoughts a feelings. Have you heard the term baggage? Yeah, all our unwanted bagged is stored way down deep. We may believe in “out of sight out of mind,” but that is wishful thinking. The unwanted thoughts and feelings have a nasty habit of coming to the surface – especially where our day is winding down and it is time to go to sleep. If you don’t deal with the baggage, it has a nasty habit of showing up in our dreams. And by the way, how have your dreams been lately?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re going to need to face the junk in your trunk sooner or later. But how is this done?

The first step is by creating a relationship with your inner child. The thing that therapists tell you to do but don’t show you. It can be as simple as hugging a pillow – imagining that the pillow is the baby you. The model of Spiritual Psychology: “When love is applied to hurt, we heal.” When all else fails, hug your inner child. Treat the pillow you with love. Hugs, kisses, praise. Put your back into it.

To take this to the next level, opposite hand writing is the number one tool for this. On paper, have a loving conversation with your younger self. Grab a pen and paper and with your dominant hand, write out: “Hello younger me, how are you?” Now switch hands and let your younger self reply. The opportunity is for the adult self to be loving and nurturing in order for that trapped part of you to get out of your self-imposed prison, and move forward.

Crazy sounding? Of course it is, because this is how emotional work is conducted. To make it even more crazy, do some play activities – giving your opposite hand or foot (your inner child) expression. In fact, in today’s group, we did opposite hand drawing. With opposite hand / foot play, each time your younger self does something – praise it. “Great drawing! We are putting that on the refrigerator so everyone can see the best artist in the world!”

Now, you probably think I’ve lost it. Sometimes, I wonder that myself. But I have to admit that this is fun, my anxiety has dropped significantly, and my relationship with myself has improved ten fold.

Our relationships are a reflection of our relationship with ourselves. If you have a good inner relationship, you are more at ease, happier, and this tends to show up in your partner as well. No, it is not buying things, impressing them, forcing you to do sex to please them. Happiness is more of a turn on anyway… well… mostly (hey, I’m human).

Bottom line, your relationship with yourself is the only thing in life you can control. If you are trying to change them to please yourself – it won’t win friends and lovers. If you put that energy into caring for yourself – now that’s the ticket.

From here on, I could bore you about the importance of sobriety, about having dreams and goals, and something to live for, but if you aren’t happy with you, your life situation, and feel that you are destined to be like this forever, then dare to reach out to therapist practiced in inner child work. Reset your own foundation. Learn to love yourself. Maybe even do as children do and have a little fun. Do me a favor and go opposite hand bowling. Let your inner child have a go at it. It is great fun, especially if you can convince the bowling alley to raise the bumpers.