If you have chosen to be a counselor – fasten your seatbelt, because every issue you have ever had will be triggered. This is the good news, because as you process through the wounds of your past, it makes it easier to help others.

And here is where we start – taking an honest look at yourself tops the list of the most important items to address when you are starting out in this field. You may feel that you have no more issues. You’ve moved past them, love yourself in the process, and are here to help the world heal. Well, that was what I felt, because I was here to heal the world! All that came crashing down when a person who experienced similar abuse to what I dealt with as a child entered the counseling room. I felt scared, overwhelmed, and my heart started racing. Again, this is the good news because I came to realize that I was actually here to work through my own issues to simply survive. It is important to understand that we cannot heal people – we don’t have that power. The real issue is getting them to heal themselves.

Take a look at this last statement – “getting them to heal themselves?” That may seem odd, but it’s important to realize you cannot heal anyone else but you. They are with themselves 24/7, and you are maybe with them one hour a week – at best. Clients are in control of themselves. Something goes in through their filter – what is referred to as their Ego – it determines if that thing is good or bad, then they determine what they need to do in response. All of this is determined by them, not you. To be honest, all we can do is work on ourselves, model the behaviors we would like to see in them, learn more about ourselves along the way, and get our Ego out of the way.

Our graduate school had a slogan: “The Father does the work.” As a therapist, pay attention to your gut, or that intuition of yours. Here is where God speaks. Voice what your gut tells you and let the client process through that. In love, we can say most anything – but within reason. Know your audience. Know what to not say or you will get yourself in trouble.

One story comes to mind. I used to talk about politics a lot – being a fervent voter and activist. In spouting out my political opinion one day, I made an enemy out of a client – who loved the political person I was putting down. I learned there are a few subjects to give a wide berth to: Politics, politics, and politics. When people want to talk politics, I let them vent. Counseling isn’t a place to talk about things you have no control over. The only control I have with politics is turning off the television.

I’ve included a list of general tips that can help you, the new counselor, get through the beginning of a career you hope to pursue. Granted, it is very important to go through individual counseling yourself. If you hold things down and don’t deal with them, they have a funny way of bubbling up at the wrong time and getting you in trouble.

1. Heart-Centered Listening

This concept is from Person-Centered Therapy. Carl Rogers wanted his client to feel loved and respected. What I will do is repeat in my mind: “God bless you, I love you,” to keep my heart open.
This is so important when you are interacting with people you don’t like. My teachers said, you don’t have to like the person – but you can love them. Let’s face it, people just want to feel good. Many with mental health issues or substance dependence remain in a living hell. My mother asked if my heart opened when I was around a person that was struggling. It happened to her all the time, and at that moment I realized that happened to me too.

2. Silence

Shut up. The client is there because they have nobody to talk to regarding this. Let them speak. To enhance this – ask them to tell you more. “I heard you mention your mother knew about this – can you tell me more about this?”

In Person-Centered Therapy – the person (client) is the center. Let them take the lead. They don’t care about your story about you. They need to voice their problems for themselves. Praise is much better to go to at this time. “Bill. Thank you so much for opening up about this. This must have been a real burden to hold inside for so many years.”

3. Avoid giving Advise

“What should I do doc?” If you were to give an answer, it will foster dependency on you and puts a lot of pressure on you. If you were to tell them what to do and it kills them, you would be holding this burden forever. If you tell a client what to do, you are really saying, “If I were you, I would…” Well, let’s face it – you aren’t them. What works for you works for you. Let them figure out their own solutions. I tell people I don’t give advice, but I do say, “If you were me, what would you tell yourself.” Or, I would ask them what their options are. Then have them pick one. This profession is to help empower people.

4. Avoid Codependence

There is a lot to say about codependence in the counseling profession. If you find yourself thinking about someone or wanting to give them a call – let it go. At first, it is easy to make attachments to others – which is problematic. The number one issue in therapy is sexual relationships. It is natural to fall in love with clients; however, turning this into a physical relationship causes legal problems where you can lose your license. I tell people I love you too much to take it further. Counseling is a sacred relationship, and it puts all the power into the hands of the counselor. Love, but don’t touch.