When life becomes overwhelming and people are sick and tired of being sick and tired, counseling can be the first step toward healing. The “first step” is emphasized here because the evidence shows that an integrated approach that balances mind, body, emotions, and spirit have shown the best odds for success. If you are not finding success in treatment, here are the top 10 items you need to consider.

1. Frequency

Counseling normally lasts one hour (actually 50 minutes). Each week there are 168 hours. One hour a week can be helpful, but once a month or longer has limited effect. If you are trying to change behaviors, each session can impact you for 3 days then the old habits tend to return. Two sessions a week are more advantageous, though three times a week or more is much more effective.

2. Money

If you can’t afford the fee, it is an obvious problem. Sometimes you cannot afford not to attend. In relationships money can be the ultimate problem, but if you are stable enough to work then we have to rely on insurance – which often refuse coverage, others, who can often let us down, or government programs that take a clear head to sift through all the red tape.

Many counselors operate on a sliding fee and can reduce their cost – which can be of great help. Therefore ask. If it is difficult to ask – ask anyway. This would be a good topic to talk about in therapy.

3. Fear

Often we get into our own way. If you are afraid of the therapist or even fear of feeling your own feelings associated with change, it can be worked through in counseling. To be honest, who wants to address the most difficult aspects of their life anyway? Still, as you address the hurt feelings underneath the fear, you learn and grow and heal. If fear shows up, tell the counselor. Slow down and breathe. You will survive. Lord knows I did.

Many people with fear have learned to tolerate it, or medicate over it. The fear is there for a reason and getting to the root of it, can heal it for the last time. Please stay strong.

4. Mistrust

This refers to the mistrust of the counselor. It is okay to follow your gut. Many try to please the therapist and blindly follow them. Is the therapist more important than you? Do they really know you at a deep level? Now, if you don’t feel comfortable with your therapists, leave. You are the customer. If something they are saying or doing makes you uncomfortable, then take care of yourself and discontinue treatment. The number one factor in counseling is creating what we call “A therapeutic bond.” If you don’t feel close to your therapist, it spells disaster for the sessions.

5. Counselor Expertise

Is the therapist addressing your particular problem? You may like the person but if they haven’t been addressing what you came in for treatment to deal with, then ask for them to do so at the beginning of the session. If they keep avoiding that issue, you are wasting your time.

6. Being forced to be there

The courts may have mandated treatment, or your family / partner may be forcing you to be there. If you are attending out of obligation, how much effort are you going to put into it? Until you decide to put in some effort, you will remain how you are.

I love when people, mandated for treatment put in effort and address deep issues they have had for years. These people are my heroes.

7. Avoidance

When people answer questions with “I don’t know,” treatment remains only on the surface. You are the authority of you, all that is needed is for you to search your mind and give an answer to the best of your ability. Many people avoid therapy by non-stop talking. They fill the session with stories – many of which have been repeated over and over again. When I need to fight to get a word in, I have made a pact with myself to not work harder than the client – so I remain silent. Non stop talking shows me that the person does not want to be counseled but only heard. So I listen. This type of behavior turns me into a very expensive friend. For therapy to be successful, the client needs to say something, pause, and listen to the response. Pausing means you are willing to take in listen and keep an open mind.

8. Focusing on someone else

People come in and rant and rave about the partner, their child, their family member, their boss, and want to find ways to fix them. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but we cannot change anybody but ourselves. I nip this in the bud during the first intake session when I ask people what they want to get out of therapy. “Well, I want my wife to respect me.” My response – “I’m sorry, I can’t help you. However I can help you improve yourself.”

Let me be honest. When it comes to relationships we are always projecting our hurt and fear onto our partner. How do you know they are judging you? And by the way, it looks like you are judging them. When you learn how to own these projections and work with them to improve you, you heal and your relationship will improve.

Our relationships reflect how we are with ourselves. If you only see hate, stupidity, and things that are wrong with your partner, this shows that you have this same relationship with yourself.

 

Compassionate Care is Always Available