When I ask people why they are admitting into our program, they tell me they want to “stop using.”  That mindset can inhibit success. The way our brain is wired, we focus on the subject of the statement – “stop using” where “using” is the focus of the statement. Instead of focusing on what you don’t want – which will attract that to you, the best strategy is focusing on what you do want.

Why do we focus on the negative? During couple’s counseling all I hear is what they don’t want. “I don’t want him to come home, throw his coat down and kick back on the couch.” Suddenly we anticipate that behavior and when it takes place – we react! Sound familiar?

Instead of focusing on what is wrong, why not focus on what you do want? “Welcome home honey, can you give me a hand with the trash?” Rewarded behaviors are repeated. This is how you train animals, children, even whales at Sea World. Your partner does something beneficial, you give them praise and hugs, that person will continue to do so – to get the prize. This happens with us at work. Our efforts are rewarded with a paycheck. Why work with no pay? Why be in a loveless relationship? Why use substances? Because there are rewards.

Rewards for substance use, laziness, or even staying in a loveless relationship is a fact. Sometimes we get used to the person, or they pay for our rent, food, and other items, so why leave? Until we are fed up with all the problems – that’s when motivation takes place.

Many feel imprisoned by using because they can’t break the cycle. They were used to the feel good, the rituals, the numbing, the normal they have come to know, and trying to live life differently becomes too much to bear because change can be difficult.

There are many strategies to adjusting to a different mindset, but you need to convince all of you. Mind, body, emotions, and spirit make up an individual. Physically, the feelings obtained by using are normal. Changing the ritual can bring on detox, where your body craves the substance. With drinking, the liver balances out the toxic alcohol by secreting enzymes. That level of enzymes becomes habitual and suddenly stopping your intake creates toxicity simply from our liver.

The approaches that take into account mind, body, emotions, and spirit have the best odds for long term sobriety. Physically detox is crucial, mentally, we need to change the way we honor the substance. Emotionally, we must address our sadness and traumas. Spiritually, do we have faith in ourselves?

What got my attention was my health. As a former addict, I believed that I could only be happy on a substance. The funny thing is – the substances ingested aren’t the chemicals that make us feel good – they trigger the chemistry that we have within our brain. I was killing myself and got massively sick with pneumonia numerous times. The high was definitely more important than me, until the day in 1981 when I found myself sleeping on the street with only a bicycle and backpack. Fun? Not anymore. That was my bottom.

Whatever motivates you to get out of the cycle of self-destruction please use it. I vowed to give it two years, to dry out, get a job, find a place to live, and after two years decide if I wanted to use again. It took four months for me to realize I never wanted to. Was it easy? Hell no! Am I proud I stayed on course? Absolutely.

Focusing on what you don’t want creates problems. Focusing on what is wrong with other people only points you back to yourself. How are they like you? It is humbling, but true. Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye when there is a plank in your own? How’s about trying to only clean up your act? They may be stupid or an asshole, but guess what, so are you – and that is okay. We are all flawed but focusing on other people’s problems takes you away from the real focus – changing you.

Are you perfect? Then stop judging others because in doing so you are judging you. And you cannot beat yourself up enough to heal. Throwing out hate doesn’t make you loving.

In school they told us to not think of a Black Horse. Try doing that. Don’t think of a black horse.

Well… How did that go?

The “don’ts, can’ts, shouldn’ts get cancelled out, leaving us to think of a black horse. Therefore, focusing on “not drinking” will only get you to drink. Training your mind to move beyond what you don’t want and focusing on what you do want, brings the results you crave.