Couple’s Counseling with Spiritual Psychology
Throw everything out the window – the labeling, your judgments, your belief system, and what is right versus wrong. If you can do this, then let couple’s counseling begin. When couple’s enter our facility, they are desperate. Something is wrong and they want to fix it – but in their own way. “If she only listened.” “If he would just do what I wanted, everything would be just fine.” You may believe this, but why hasn’t this worked?
There are a variety of reasons people seek treatment. Some want the relationship to improve, others want to have the relationship end. Be honest with yourself. Are you willing to put in the effort to change things? If yes, then fasten your seatbelts, and hang on – to yourself, because the person you need to change – is you.
Yeah we’ve heard it all before, your partner is to blame and they need to change. Since we cannot change another person (that is their job), then I guess all the effort needs to be focused on changing yourself. “But I’m perfect.” Are you? Each partner brings into the relationship their own baggage, and if you aren’t willing to change yourself – no wonder you are having problems.
“I am upset because…” Does this statement look familiar? Because they did or didn’t do this that or the other thing. Since we have no control over them, well, that leaves us with the upset – your upset. That is something we can work on. By the way, who are you to try to change them? This shows you don’t love them and want to change them into someone you want. This seems a bit controlling – wouldn’t you say? If they tried to change you, wouldn’t you be a little resistant? So for the time being, focus on improving you since our relationships are a mirror of our relationship with ourself.
“But she needs to be sober.” “He must show his feelings.” The demands you have may go on and on. Let’s face it, people change when they choose to. Do you want to be a dictator or a partner? Do you want to fill your heart with love or hate? The real issue is how you are with you while you are in the relationship.
Are you happy? Are you able to be who you are? Do you like conflict? Do you want things to work out? If you lost all trust in your partner are you willing to be vulnerable with them again? Or, maybe you never have because of various reasons. But in relationships if trust is not established, it spells doom.
Devising ways to re-connect to in love with your partner is central to couple’s therapy. To do this you need to first work on trusting yourself. Keep your commitments to yourself and others. If you say you are going to do something – do it. If you find it hard to open up to your partner, then own your projections. Like a film projector we project our faults onto others. List all of your partners bad qualities, then one by one ask yourself if you do the same. This is Biblical. “Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye when there is a plank in yours?” If you spot it you got it. “But I am not an asshole,” you might say.
We ask people four questions in regards to projections:
- Do you do this behavior with yourself?
- Do you do this behavior with others?
- Do you do this behavior with God?
- Do you have the capacity to do this behavior? (which is the ultimate clincher – we all have the capacity to do whatever).
I am not an asshole to myself, I am not an asshole to others, no, I’d never be an asshole to God, but we all have the capacity to be an asshole.
As we focus on the faults in others we discover our faults too. The next step is to set intentions, sometimes on the hour to be the opposite. “My intention is to be kind.” A relationship is not about finding faults nor making you superior. Would you be intimate with someone that feels they are perfect and superior? Relationships don’t work that way. They work best when two people show their love to one another.
For many, sharing love is frightening. They may have tried to share love in the past and someone hurt them. That is partially true – meaning someone hurt them. That someone is yourself. When we think about the past, it is usually remembered as a story and this story you have probably labeled them as wrong and you as the victim. Think again. If you created this story to prove your being a victim, you can change the story if you please. We see problems as a blessing – something to learn from, grow and become a better person. What did you learn about that situation? How did you grow? That situation was a stepping stone to the person you are today.
Focusing on hate causes separation and war. Mother Theresa said, “If you judge people, you don’t have time to love them.” Plus, if you find yourself focusing on hating a person, why are you also hating yourself?
We believe that relationships are a great medium for personal healing. The belief is, when you work through a long term problem (a core issue), you heal it for good and grow at the level of your soul. Relationships are such an incredible healing format because alone you will do what you do and nobody else is affected. Bring in another person(s), suddenly you get a reaction, are told something that hurts your fragile Ego, and it is natural to try to lash out at them to feel powerful again.
“But, they did this, that, or the other thing. Five years ago they did the unforgivable sin.” Then why are you carrying that around with you? Think of this. For five years you have struggled with something and used it as a weapon. How is this making a deposit into the emotional bank account between you two? “But he hurt me.”
In relationships people can get hurt by the actions of another. Then what? How do we work through this? Logic tells us that they have to say they are sorry. However, this creates us being a victim if they don’t. Why do we look to others to heal us when the real person to heal us is us? You are with you 24/7. They may interact with you but for only a limited time. Then they are back focusing on themselves once again. Their approval or forgiveness will fall to the wayside after a while.
The ultimate healing takes place within. When you apply love to the younger part of you that went through that situation, then you hold your own key to healing. The formula – “When love is applied to hurt, we heal.” This is not their applying love to you – they don’t have the capacity. They don’t know the little intricate items needed to heal you – but you do. Do you know how to heal another person? I don’t. Each person has the resources within themselves to heal.
“Scott, five years ago you hurt me. Remember when you did this that and the other thing?” My former partner said. “Well, that sounds like something I did but I am so grateful I have learned and grown from that, and haven’t repeated it.” I replied.
Why would someone dredge up something that took place in the past? Obviously, because they are unhappy now. Why are they unhappy? That is for them to figure out. I asked my partner what was this all about and she told me she had just been charged with a DUI. No kidding.
Affirmation, affirmation, affirmation. To change, you need to repeat a positive affirmation 100 times a day – not about them but about you. Choose three emotions you would like to experience more in your life. When I first started doing affirmation work, my affirmation was: I am a positive, caring, and loving man. These were the qualities I wanted to have more of in my life. How about you? I repeated that statement when driving, to keep me calm on dates or when I felt women were judging me. I used it on job interviews, or simply when I was bored. What did I become? Positive, caring, and loving. Repeat the statement a minimum of 100 times a day for an entire month. I kept my first one for six months then created something new. How do you want to be? Not how do you want your partner to be because you have no power to change them.
Another tip – catch your partner doing something right and let them know about it. “Sweetheart, the food was Amazing tonight? And I love your new haircut, I can’t keep my eyes off of you.” Kinda cheesy – I know. When was the last time you told your partner why you love them. We do an exercise where the couple sits facing each other and each partner takes turns tells the other person about the beauty they see in them. “The beauty I see in you is that you are loving, caring, thoughtful, always challenge me to be better…”
Let’s face it, would you rather focus on the negatives or the positives? The positives feel much better. Though, if the negatives still dominate your mind it is time to work with them. Write out a letter to your partner or someone who is upsetting you and list out all the negatives you see. Don’t hold back – let all of this out. Next, rip it up or burn it. Don’t re-read it. It is okay to have bad thoughts because we are both dark and light. Let your light shine, let your darkness have a healthy outlet. If you aren’t into writing, walk or drive by yourself and talk things out. “I can’t believe what an asshole you are! How dare you drag the kids into this!” Let it go, take in a deep breath, exhale, and release the residual with your breath.
What is your intention in your relationship? For it to change? If so, then you make the change and model the new behavior. To be honest, this is just the surface of what couple’s counseling is all about. There are ways to communicate heart centered that are important. There are ways to mediate differences. If your intention is to learn and grow together, then therapy would be very important to attend. As you go through therapy together, praise each other, seek to understand before being understood, and simply listen with an open heart.
Compassionate Care is Always Available
There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.
For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry. We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.
May you have good mental health.
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