It takes real commitment to change old habits and familiar ways of looking at life. Our brains hardwire automatic responses—which we often experience as our personality. So often in sessions I hear people say, “That’s just the way I am,” or “I’m just an angry, anxious, or depressed person.” If you continue to convince yourself that this is who you are, how can you possibly change?

Life is hard—I get it. Nobody goes through life without facing difficult situations and needing to take action. But what do we usually do? Most often, we fall back on what’s familiar because, “This is the way you’re supposed to handle it.” But is it? When we question our beliefs and behaviors—and pay close attention to the outcomes of our actions—amazing change can take place, if we are willing to see the faults in our approach.

Here’s the problem: we are creatures of habit. You’ve probably heard the term comfort zone. Everything inside us is conditioned to respond automatically because of this hardwiring. Changing that wiring takes effort—as do most meaningful changes in life.

To change an old habit, repetition is key. Intentions need to be set frequently. Affirmations need to be repeated—a hundred times a day. Old habits are stubborn. One or two attempts to do something differently often lead to frustration or discouragement.

So what are intentions and affirmations?

An intention is simply a goal. The format is straightforward: “My intention is to…” For example, “My intention is to be sober,” (or happy, productive, motivated, positive). My personal favorite intention is —to live from my loving heart.

Affirmations are more expressive and focus on the deeper change you want to embody. What are you struggling with—mood, substances, relationships? Write down three goals related to those areas. Then, imagine the best-case scenario and state it clearly. For example: “I am happy, sober, and loving.”

Affirmations always begin with “I am.” This matters. “I would like to be” isn’t firm enough. Determination is the key. “I am” claims the change now, rather than pushing it into the future. When you repeat an affirmation consistently, you begin to disrupt old neural pathways. That process can be uncomfortable. The old mindsets are familiar, and familiarity feels safe—even when it hurts.

This brings us to an important concept: the shadow.

We all have light and dark within us—yin and yang. The shadow is confident you’ll fail. You’ve heard of self-sabotage? That’s the shadow talking. When you begin setting intentions and repeating affirmations, resistance often shows up: “You’re not loving. You’re not sober. You’re not happy. You’re fooling yourself.” Sound familiar?

Now you’re in a battle between light and dark. Which side do you want to win? And how badly do you want it?

This is the challenge of true health—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Do we stay the course? That is the key.

I often hear, “I’ve tried, and I’m just a loser.” Yes—maybe you have been. But you get to decide who you are now. Do you have it in you to be great? Have you ever truly tried to live at your optimum?

That question was once posed to me by an old girlfriend. She asked whether I had ever fully given my love to another person. I reflected and realized that, at that point in my life, I treated women as playthings—objects to manipulate rather than human beings. I was about twenty at the time. I admitted I had never been that emotionally intimate. She hesitated regarding dating me.

I told her I was willing to change, because we were a better match than anyone I’d known, and I respected how she challenged me. Shifting my mindset—from using women to honoring them—took real effort. But it was worth it. That effort led to a ten-year relationship.

So I’ll ask you: are you willing to make that kind of commitment to yourself?

When you hear the negative voice inside you, take it as a sign. It often means you’re improving—and threatening the status quo. This is the moment to double down on your intentions and affirmations. “My intention is to be strong.”

We don’t talk much about being centered within ourselves. It may sound odd, but it means standing in your power—taking care of yourself first so you can genuinely care for others. I used to lose myself in relationships. I depended on others to give me love, validation, and worth. I made them more important than myself and ended up feeling like a victim: “They don’t love me.”

Changing “they” to “I” changed my life. The truth was, I wasn’t loving myself. I had abandoned myself. Are those people still in my life? No. But I am.

In social situations, repeat your affirmation silently. Remind yourself that you are present and that you carry value. If this sounds narcissistic or selfish, think again. We can’t give others what we don’t have. Without self-love, love for others is impossible.

“I am a positive, caring, and loving man.” That phrase used to play in my head whenever I met people—professionally and personally. It leveled the playing field. I stopped seeing myself as less than. I simply didn’t have time for it anymore. Was it a fight? Absolutely.

We’ve been trained to bond over wounds—to focus on worst-case scenarios. Carolyn Myss calls this “woundology.” “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” That question fuels anxiety and depression. Try asking instead: What’s the best thing that could happen? When we clearly name what we want, it has a strange way of showing up.

The best thing that could happen? I am positive, sober, and happy.

You can do this. Be strong. Take care of your mind, body, emotions, and spirit. You are still valuable. You still have something to offer this world. But to give it—you must take care of yourself first.

Affirmations are more flowery but more focused on the heart of what you want changed. What are you struggling with? Mood, substances, relationship issues. Jot down three goals for problematic areas. Using the above example, to create an affirmation, focus on what would the best case scenario be. For example “I am happy, sober, and loving.” All affirmations begin with the “I am” – which is our source of power and focus. “I would like to be is not firm enough. Determination is the key. I am focuses is and what this also does is take the future want, into claiming that you have it now: “I am happy, sober, and loving.” Now, in repeating it 100 times a day, you are now breaking the wiring of your brain – which can be challenging. The old mind sets can be stubborn because they are familiar. If you are not happy, sober or loving – that is going to weigh on you.

This brings up an interesting topic – THE SHADOW. Yes we have both light and dark within us. You know – Yin Yang. Our shadow is very comfortable and confident we will fail. I’m sure you’ve heard the term Self-Sabotage? Well, now you are in the dragon’s lair. In setting intentions and repeating the affirmation, it is not uncommon to get resistance from within. “Oh no your not loving, sober, and happy. You’re a fool.” Sound familiar? This suddenly becomes a battle between the dark and light within. Which side do you want to win? And how badly do you want it?

This is the challenge of ultimate health – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Do we stay on course?

But I’ve tried, and I’m just a loser. Yes, and you have been – but you determine how you currently are. Do you have it within you to be great? Do you? If not then have you ever really tried to be at your optimum?