With all my training and knowledge, I can’t make anybody do anything. When clients refused to follow the dictates of my program I used to get upset. I had a limiting belief that everybody had to do what I told them. Yeah, I was green at the time and new to the treatment industry. Realizing that I couldn’t control people, I softened. Oh, I’ve seen counselors challenge people, argue with them in front of the group, and get them removed from treatment altogether just for not following their directions. I vowed to never do this.

I have asked myself is it important for clients to do things my way? If so, then I am working to get my needs met. How selfish. This is the helping profession and what is important is for them to get “their” needs met. I am there to assist in their healing, not my own. This has been my intention from day one. They are the customers and if they don’t want to do something then why push some agenda on them?

There are many options to therapy and perhaps a client isn’t ready to do something at that time. Instead of being combative to people who don’t want to do an exercise, I ask them what else they would recommend. This strategy has kept people in treatment when normally they would leave. It gives me an opportunity to present something else to them that may inspire them. If they don’t want to involve themselves in their own healing, that’s okay. At that point, I will educate, say my bit, and then let it go. I call it planting seeds. You never know if they are half listening and later on in life they realize that what they learned from you can be useful. One person I treated told me he fought the program, took the notes anyway, reread them after he left the program, and it all made sense and it helped him change his life around.

It is madness to keep doing things that don’t work and expect different results. Counselors must ask themselves why they chose to be in this industry. Is it to help out other people? If so why are they doing something that the clients don’t want to do? If a person is so interested in controlling others, the flip side is being out of control. Counselors need to fix that in themselves before they can hope to help others.

It can be hard to be a counselor. Many get attached, take it home, and are always on edge. This quickly leads to burnout. In order to be of help to others, counselors must work on controlling themselves. We can’t give away what we don’t have. 

My step-father told me we were given two ears and one mouth to listen twice as much as we talked. How true. Seek to understand before being understood. If you take charge it puts people off. My intention has always been to be an equal with people. I feel more connected this way and it helps me to have more respect for somebody who is working hard on improving themselves. In therapy, the client is going to proceed at their own pace. Counselors need to be patient. This is not a sprint. Let them control the pace. It is not a sprint but a lifetime marathon and people need to push on when they are ready. If we push somebody into doing something they are not ready for, this can sabotage all the progress made and often leads to a person discharging early.

I like being trained in Spiritual Psychology. I learned that we don’t heal the client, they do. And, they do so by applying love to themselves. When they are pushing the entire world away from them, the only person who can get to that tender part inside of themselves is themselves.

I’ve seen some pretty lousy therapists in this profession. Some seek power, others that are into manipulation, and others that try to drag the client into their family of origin dynamics. I’ve also seen therapists who naturally open their hearts to people when they are going through pain, not out of some technique but because they really care. Sometimes the best intervention a counselor can make is simply being quiet and simply being there for them. Lots of times the noise we make will pull a client out of their healing process. People need time to process their thoughts and their feelings. They will look up to you when they are ready for your input. Relax all you therapists. Let the counseling come to you. Above all, don’t work harder than the client.

As you see, I am writing this article for both new therapists and clients. The training and field experience I have had has taught me so much that I love sharing it with others. I guess I want to pay forward that buzz I got from learning all of this. I am especially grateful that I am given the opportunity to share what I know because I’ve had my history too and it could have been easy for me to not qualify to treat patients. I made the best of my recovery and learned information that was unique because I studied a very unique form of counseling. Add on the experiences at the Mental Health Urgent Care Center, running both a residential facility and an outpatient facility, and I’ve been honored to share in the recovery of thousands.

Do I know it all? Of course not. Each day I am asked if I know certain things and I am not ashamed to tell a person I don’t but am willing to do the research or listen to their beliefs about it. If a counselor is not learning and growing they are limiting their potential.

I went through a personal growth seminar whose slogan was: “High involvement and low attachment.” This means doing your 100% and letting go of the results. All we can do is take control of our side of the fence. Others have the decision to use our information or not. All I can do is do my best. I’ve seen therapists shout at clients and put them down. Many couples do the “I’m right, you’re wrong”, game, and where does that get them? Controlling one another is not love but manipulation. If you want to change your partner you do not love them.

It is important to “Allow people the dignity of their own process.” Life is trial and error. This is how we learn. We had to fall down a lot before we learned to walk, so allow others to make their own mistakes. When a person fails don’t punish them, that is their job – if they choose. Ask them what they have learned so they don’t fall twice. If you try to control them and tell them they have to do something a certain way, you are impeding their healing. How you live your life is your way of living, not theirs. Again, allow them the dignity of their own process.

This article may be hard to swallow for many people. A client of mine has been suffering from a degenerative disease for the past two years, stopped working, lost his purpose, and now sits in front of the TV all day like my father did. At first, this frustrated me, showing me that I had an issue that I needed to process through. If I didn’t work through this I’d probably get angry with the client and at minimum lecture them. Who am I to lecture an equal? We are all the same and at the same level. No one is above or below. Mother Theresa said, “If you judge people, you don’t have time to love them.” I’d rather err on the side of sharing love instead of hate.

Yeah, I know that I am still working my way through the passing of my father. He chose to sit and deteriorate and I had to learn to put my stamp of approval on it. My grandmother said she never gave anybody advice unless they asked her for it, then she would do her very best to give them an answer. If a person doesn’t want to hear your advice then don’t give it. You can ask to give it if you want but if there is a no, then be quiet. If this frustrates you, separate yourself, write down your thoughts, and rip it up. Honor yourself by processing through your feelings instead of holding them down to eat you up in the middle of the night. 

It was just my grandmother’s birthday and she has been gone for 25 years, my dad three years. What I learned from them was self-expression. Oh, the stories of my grandmother would make you laugh silly. That was my girl. We made quite a pair. My father and I were different. He started out to be a monster but through the years softened and became a loving man. That is the man I will always remember. One thing was for certain – I couldn’t control each of them one bit and I made it okay. Why would I want to control them when they were both so wonderful?

There is a quote from Carl Rogers, who invented Person-Centered Therapy. He roughly said – people are just as wonderful as sunsets. I don’t try to control a sunset, I just watch it in awe.

Here is my promise to you. I promise to allow you to be the person you are and go through therapy at your own pace. If I push too hard please let me know. I have respect for people who speak up for themselves. Now I am drawing a blank. It’s been a long and amazing week. It is time for me to recharge and prepare myself for listening to the same stories I have heard again and again but from a different person’s point of view. May you experience emotional well-being.