Are you Addicted to Being Right?
Are you addicted to being right? Is it important for you to win? It is important to understand that when one person is right or wins, another person is wrong and loses. Having to be right and win all of the time is the downfall of meaningful relationships. We refer to these as Transactional relationships. In Transactional relationships failure is eminent.
For many people who suffer through transactional relationships, one person tends to tolerate losses to keep the peace but eventually gives up so much of themselves that they don’t know who they are. They eventually either lash out or leave or develop mental health or substance use issues.
Why is it so important for you to win? Is your Ego that fragile? Can you even tolerate a loss? What would that mean if you were wrong? Humiliation? Feeling less than? Well in all actuality that is really at the core of righteousness.
Our relationships reflect our relationship with ourselves. If we think we are inferior in any way then we can tolerate little adversity by others. If so, then it is a question of building our own self-worth back up or even up for the first time. This takes effort and it starts by making commitments to ourselves, following through on them, and proving that we have our own back. In doing this, the opinions of others become less important.
Our mindset is all we have in this lifetime. Henry Ford said, “If you think you can if you think you cannot, you’re right”. What we focus on we create. If you really care about winning, then you are more apt to take the opinions of others to heart.
Trial and Error
There is a story about Thomas Edison being interviewed by a man when he was in the midst of developing a battery. The newspaperman told him that he must feel like a loser in trying to solve this problem over 200 times without any results. Edison replied that he didn’t feel like a loser but knows 200 ways on how not to make a battery. My father used to say that if you point your finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back.
In AA they say if you spot it you got it. Okay, so what if you were wrong and lose? To us Psychologists, we believe life is all about trial and error. If we fail, it helps us learn, grow, and become a better person. If you are not failing, you are not growing. Are you that afraid to make mistakes? When did you learn that in order to obtain love you had to be perfect? Often this has roots in early childhood experiences. To be honest, we are all imperfect, but that imperfection makes us loveable. Can you even relate to a perfect person? Nobody likes a winner. For you, football fans do you like Tom Brady? He wins every year.
Admitting Your Faults
Admitting your faults is the first step towards maturity. Lying, cheating, and bullying others so that you win causes stress, illness, mental illness, and animosity. On the first day of Graduate School, our teachers said: “There is no right or wrong, only learning”. Ponder that for a moment. We sure did for two years plus. There has to be right and wrong I believed because that was what I was weaned on. This mindset separated me from everybody and caused anxiety because nobody could match up to my standards – that, in all actuality, was even unrealistic for me to meet.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” — Rumi
What is that field? That field is compassion for self and others. That field is one of peace and harmony. These concepts are at the forefront of many people’s lives in today’s society. Instant gratification, finances, and responsibilities tend to dominate today’s life. We actually can do both. We can go after our daily life with undertones of love and peace.
Focus on Love Instead of Being Right
A heart-centered way of life is an interesting concept but isn’t love what you want? Dr. Wayne Dyer believed that people just wanted to feel good. Candice Pert received a Nobel Prize for proving that positive thoughts enhance our immune system, slows down the aging process, and make us healthier – not to mention happier. The pursuit of happiness was the founding principle of this country. Though is happiness even in the mix when you fight hard to be right. What if you focused on love instead of being right?
In cooperating we acknowledge others we interact with. It demonstrates to them that they truly matter to us and they are not seen as some object to dominate. Cooperation is the foundation of functional relationships because it is at the heart of true intimacy.
Living a Heart-Centered Life
It can be a huge adjustment to let go of the “fight to be right”, give up the struggle of survival of the fittest, to give everybody the opportunity to feel good share their opinions and possibly learn and grow from their perspective.
Being right only separates us. Living heart-centered, caring about another person’s perspective unites us. It is your choice to be right or be loving.
Compassionate Care is Always Available
There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.
For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry.