The picture a client painted of their current situation really impacted me. They felt like they didn’t match up to others, that people were judging them harshly, that they couldn’t meet their own expectations, that they were stuck in a nowhere job, and why did they always feel a sense of doom? When you are in such a rut as this, how can you get out of it?

The motto of my graduate school was: “The real issue is not your issue; the real issue is how to relate to yourself when you are going through your issue.” The focus was not on what was happening, but on how you are with yourself.

Many people look for relief by focusing on others. Is it the job of others to pick you up and clean you off? Or, just maybe, that job is your own? It is not uncommon for people with early childhood trauma to try to manipulate others into providing the needs they never obtained. This focus on others makes us victims, because they will not always be there for us—but we can be.

It takes a real desire to be there for yourself. Who has the time, and who makes the effort? For me, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I would do anything to stop all of my panicking. I was in the habit of thinking about how bad I had it, and it kept me stuck. One client told me he would dive into his dark shadow and try to address all the negatives he could find in order to heal. I told him I learned that you can’t find the Light through the darkness.

If you find yourself being bombarded by negative thoughts, go with it. Take out some paper, jot these thoughts down, and then burn it—or at minimum, rip it up. Don’t suppress your negativity but purge it. The next step is going to the Light. Thank yourself. Repeat a positive affirmation or give yourself applause. Sound weird? I hope so, but this is how to deal with our emotional self. Learn to love it, take care of it, and even laugh at it. But address it with love.

Emotional healing brings with it a whole different language and tools. “When love is applied to hurt, we heal” was another motto in school. Or, in the above example—the Light dispels the dark. The emotional level deals with our relationship with ourselves. If we hate ourselves, are frustrated, feel worthless, helpless, or hopeless, then these emotional states, like an anchor, will pull us down. Yes, work on this level is not logical. These feelings are just that—they are simply feelings, and these feelings can get the better of us if you focus your attention on all of the gun violence, domestic violence, abuse, and the other difficulties in your life. This isn’t to say there is no need to address these particular issues in society. No, far from that. It is important for us to help society, and I do so daily. However, if we are not in balance and are overwhelmed, turn off the news, relax, ask your wounded inner child what he needs, and fulfill those needs to the best of your ability. But we never learned this in school. I believe emotional well-being should be a priority in society, in school, and especially in each home. But this is ridiculed, and subjects like Inner Child Work are laughed at because mental well-being isn’t a priority. Though you’ve seen it: one out of five of your friends has a mental health or substance use problem, and these rates are only on the rise.

To get out of the rut, ask yourself: when did all your problems begin? No, it didn’t start a week or a year ago. People with mental health issues are normally showing reactions to something that went on in early childhood. So, if this started way back when, you will need to address the part inside of you that went through the original problem. No, it isn’t “forgive and forget.” It happened, it left a scar, and the way to heal a wound is by kissing the boo-boo.

If you went through difficulties in early life, it is not uncommon for you to be easily upset, blank out (what we call regress), and revert to an earlier developmental stage. To heal developmental wounds, you need to create a one-on-one relationship with that younger part. From Empty Chair Work to opposite-hand writing, when you interact with your younger self with love, healing takes place.

In a nutshell, this is my favorite approach because it also incorporates play. Use the opposite hand and foot to represent your younger self, and now the options are infinite! Bowling with the opposite hand, miniature golfing the opposite way, eating, combing your hair, putting on makeup—every chore can be a fun activity that both of you can engage in.

When skiing, I highlighted the efforts of my other leg (my younger self). It is great fun to involve yourself in your own self-care—if that is your intention. For a few people, they feel that being in a rut is just their fate and that life is all about suffering. It can be if you want, but I’d rather fly a kite with my opposite hand.

The rut can be a reality for many people—a way of life that somehow they will mourn if they improve. It can be comfortable being the victim, so I don’t push. If you do want to change, here are a few basics:

• Sleep – 7–8 hours daily

• Nutrition – eat the healthiest food you can for the week; supplements are a plus.

• Hydration – water, water, water. We are smarter, our digestive system works better, and our emotions flow more freely.

• Exercise – use it or lose it.

• Medical care – you know what is wrong with you; take care of it. Dental problems have a direct path to your heart.

Next, take care of your mental health by using “Intention Setting.” An intention is focusing on the destination (goal). State intentions in the positive. If you don’t want to be depressed, then how do you want to be? In setting intentions, follow this format:

“My intention is…”

For example: “My intention is to be happy.”

If you are not setting intentions for the day, you will create what is familiar and recreate what you always do. Start the day, and throughout the day, recite your intentions. Here are a few to consider:

• My intention is to be in my loving heart.

• My intention is to have a great day.

• My intention is to be strong.

• My intention is to be grateful.

I set intentions before interacting with people socially. It keeps me happy, loving, and enjoying the conversation. Affirmations are another wonderful tool to use. An affirmation is a positive statement, like a mantra, that you create and repeat 100 times a day to solidify the emotional states you want to experience.

Choose your top three emotions you want to experience more often. For example: “positive, caring, and loving.” Next, put “I am” at the beginning, and the affirmation will then be: “I am positive, caring, and loving.” Or, beautify it in any way you would like, such as –

“I am a positive, caring, and loving man, sharing my gifts with others.” Oh yeah, you creative types can have a lot of fun with this very powerful tool.

A few of the basics have been discussed that can help you get out of the hole, but if you continue to be stuck in the pit, then go through counseling. Find somebody you trust, open up, be vulnerable, and talk about what caused the rut in the first place.

Hope this helps. And if you wanted to know: “I am young, healthy, and at peace, joyfully sharing the music of my soul.”