How to Fix Other People
I am sure that you know someone in need of help. 20% of the people in this country suffer from severe mental or substance-related problems–that’s one in five! It makes you think twice about getting behind the wheel of your vehicle. So how do we fix them? This is always a fun topic when teaching interns. Well, cutting to the chase, the answer is–we can’t. The truth is–the only person we can fix is ourselves.
Stephen Covey in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” stated there is “The Circle of Influence” and “The Circle of Concern.” The circle of influence refers to a person only being able to influence themselves. While we may be concerned about other people, we lack the ability to change them, because that is their responsibility. This brings to light a major issue in the practice of psychology: the treatment of a person against their will. We cannot force treatment on others, because people have rights. There are three conditions under which treatment may be forced on someone: when they are dangerous to others, dangerous to themselves, or lack the capacity to care for themselves. This is spelled out in HIPAA, and each person entering mental health treatment needs to sign their acknowledgment of this.
For 11 years, I was certified in Los Angeles County to place people who met the criteria in a psychiatric hospital against their will. The scariest person I had to place on a 5150 hold was the size of a house! The man was a giant, looked like a sumo wrestler, and was psychotic—threatening violence in our office and refusing to be transported to a nearby psychiatric hospital. Our staff of 10 was no match for this man, so the police were called in. Well… should I say a policeman? Only one man—who may have stood 5’8″ tall—came in, and without weapons, because that was the rule of our facility. This one officer was confident and told the man that if he didn’t cooperate, the police would handle him. So, the man allowed himself to be strapped into the gurney and transported away. I never realized in studying psychology that I would have to deal with people who didn’t want to receive the help they needed.
When I enrolled in graduate school, I wanted to fix people. In fact, during my admission, a teacher asked me why I wanted to attend their school. I told him I wanted to learn how to fix people, and he told me I was enrolling in the wrong school—because there, they only taught students how to work on healing themselves. I quickly learned that since we have no control over others, it was imperative to work on healing ourselves. You see, psychology is not as straightforward as you might think. In order to effect change in others, you need to change yourself first—because we can’t give away something we don’t have. This is the inside-out approach, meaning it’s important to take care of yourself first before assisting others. What a buzz kill that was. I wanted to prove my greatness back then because I had no self-esteem. “If I helped others, maybe I could feel better about myself” was how I used to think. I quickly learned that was the wrong path because the direct path to enlightenment is caring for yourself.
We have no influence on others. Let go of that and influence yourself. The interesting phenomenon that takes place when you are caring for yourself is that other people get swept into your feelings. A good example of this was a client having a severe panic attack at the Urgent Care Center. I met him at the door and walked him into an interview room. His heart was racing, he looked like he was about to pass out, and a tender part inside me opened up. Yeah, I had compassion because I have had numerous panic attacks myself and learned how to handle them. So I smiled, remained calm, and told him this would pass quickly, that he was safe, and that it wasn’t anything to worry about. My confidence did the trick because a few minutes later he was stable and wondering “how I did that to him.” Well, actually, he calmed himself down—I just showed him I had confidence he could.
My school was a huge advocate of “The Law of Attraction.” This basically means that if you want to get love from others, you have to have love within you. If you want more peace, be at peace. To have more sex, be more sexy. You get it—simply be the change you want to see in others. Actually, this was easier to learn than I expected. Instead of trying to win love from others by being perfect, like I was trained to do, I simply learned to portray that I was loving, real, and easy to be with. No longer did I buy a dozen red roses, expensive meals, or take women on extravagant adventures to prove my dedication. I simply learned to be a positive, caring, and loving man.
To fix yourself, the first step is to unlearn the limiting beliefs of your past. We are trained by our family of origin to be just like them. And in turn, they were trained by their parents, and so down the line it goes. Many of the lessons I learned have served me well—like looking both ways before crossing the street. However, many family rules caused me anxiety and stress, like wearing the “I am great” mask, being selfless, and trying to win the hand of the fair maiden. No wonder I didn’t get laid until I was in my 20s. But that’s another story.
I hate to be the bearer of more bad news, but you cannot make people love you. With the law of attraction, you first need to make you love yourself. Sickening right? But after the effort, you may find yourself laughing at yourself—and that’s when you’ve accomplished it.
I’m sure you can see the theme now: fixing others doesn’t work, and fixing yourself is the number one priority. Though in doing so, you are breaking all of society’s rules. So maybe holding on to the radical part within yourself—self-love—can be seen as being a rule breaker, which I, for one, totally got into.
In adhering to the rules of society, it can bring you down a path of fear and anger. “What is the worst thing that can happen?” had me focus on death and doom and created a number of panic attacks. I now think about the best thing that can happen. If you focus on the worst things, through the law of attraction, you can create them. I leave it up to my future self if something bad were to happen. I have learned to have faith in myself and make each day a learning endeavor. In the future, I will be even better, so why waste my time making myself feel miserable?
I had a life-changing event take place in graduate school. We used to counsel one another in order to work through our issues and I decided to cut to the chase and work on the abuse I suffered when I was four years old. Gestalt therapy has therapists use an empty chair to help clients imagine talking to another person, an emotional state, or what I loved best—my inner child. So I decided to put my dad in the empty chair facing me and put my all into the process. It didn’t matter that one of the most beautiful women in the class was my counselor—I had made my intention to heal this problem once and for all and was hell-bent on telling my father exactly how I really felt. Soon, I was sobbing, snot was flying from my nose, a constant river was spewing from my eyes, my body was shaking, and I was laughing. This felt so bizarre, but suddenly a huge weight lifted from me. I must have looked shocked as I dried my eyes, and then my therapist threw her arms around me and began crying too. This was different. A beautiful woman was actually hugging me? I was shocked. I didn’t try to impress or manipulate, I was just being true to myself. From that moment on, I was firmly myself. I didn’t need to prove my worth because it was streaming out of me without a need to impress or change myself.
People laugh when I tell them I love myself. That is so wrong to other people because it goes against what we feel is normal. If feeling normal is drinking, being angry, and fearing a horrible future, then I want no part of that. Is self-love selfish or narcissistic? Who cares? In caring, you are still trapped into making other people’s opinions of you more important than your own opinion. I am a good person with good intentions. If people don’t see this, that is on them. When we judge other people, we are really judging ourselves. When dealing with others, I lead with my heart because I see a part of me in them, and I’ve learned to love myself so I can love them. This isn’t something made up but genuine.
The real issue is loving yourself. Why would people love you? Do you know? Do you have any good qualities? I asked a client today how they felt about themselves, and she told me she was creative, hard-working, and dependable. Then I asked again, “Why do they love you?” because all those responses were mental. I can’t see myself telling my partner I loved her because she was dependable. I would tell her I loved her because she was loving, caring, and interested in sharing her life with me. Now, that’s the ticket. Relationships are emotionally based. Having a debate because it is fun, being right all the time makes the other person wrong, and will they want to love you then? Lead with your heart, not your head.
I get what Carl Rogers wrote about in his book –“A Way of Being.” He said, “People are just as wonderful as a sunset. I cannot control a sunset, all I can do is watch it in awe.” It was great psychologists like him who inspired me to move away from trying to control my clients and instead allow them to unfold like a sunset—showing off their beauty and working past the issues that were holding them back.
For you new therapists who want to fix, let that go. I ask you to just love your clients because they are just like you—filled with fears and doubts. Therapy is an art form, like a dance between two people. Let go of your desire to take the lead and let them find their own steps. This means being vulnerable, secondary, and not important. Remember, they are the client and you are providing a service. At the onset of therapy, ask them what they want out of treatment, and toss away your agenda. If they don’t want to do what you want them to do, then let it go. Many clients don’t want to do empty chair work and I make that okay. I simply ask them what they need from me and we go in their direction. If you want to be a counselor to feed your ego and be in control, then this is not the profession for you. Many therapists burn out because they want to get their own needs met. Until therapists make it a daily habit to care for themselves, they will not be able to care for others.
My friend Joe used to do a comedy routine at open mic nights. He would talk about a woman he dated who was just fantastic. It was the best relationship he ever had, and they just clicked. She even said so—and remarked that she would love him even more if he did one extra thing. So he did. Then came more requests, and he obliged. Suddenly, one day out of the blue, she wanted to end the relationship. When he asked why, she said he had changed too much.
Be yourself in your relationships right from the start because eventually, you will. If they leave, then they leave—the partnership was never meant to be. However, if they stay, then it’s a keeper. My grandmother told me that at the beginning of dating, both are in a fog. She’s a fairy princess and he’s a prince, and a few months down the road, all the warts start to show. She said if, despite all the warts, you still love them, then it’s a good match.
Compassionate Care is Always Available
There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.
For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry. We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.
May you have good mental health.
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