The next part of my approach is strictly mental. And I am sure you have heard of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. Unfortunately, this approach has limitations because we cannot think our way out of an emotional wound. Emotional issues need to be addressed emotionally and love and play therapy is the top method for getting to the root. This doesn’t mean that the mental approach doesn’t work. CBT is a great approach for discovering if the way you think about something is logical or not. 

CBT was originally called Rational Emotive Therapy (RET). This approach has you paying close attention to the consequences of your actions. If you believe that somebody is doing something wrong and tell them off, the consequences may be a partner leaving you, a fist getting thrown in your face, you losing your job, etc. When something bad takes place after you do something, it is important to change the way you think about that and change your behavior so that negative results won’t happen again.

If you have a negative reaction to a person who has too many items in the fast checkout at the market, your belief system needs to be amended. If you think what they are doing is wrong, then who made you judge and jury? That rule you have created may not be their rule and whose rule is right? The right/wrong thinking has created war at home and abroad. Because they have 5 extra items in the fast checkout means that you need to be upset? Does everyone have to follow your rules? Let it go. Make the rule only for yourself. As for me, I choose to follow the rules to the best of my ability and others are doing the best that they know.  This way of thinking will save you from constantly being upset and having run-ins with people who you feel are doing something wrong.

Here’s an example of something that recently happened with my roommate. She has had a habit of dropping things on the ground and not picking up after herself. Of course, I thought that people who didn’t pick up after themselves were not only lazy but rude. Internally I would get upset, angrily tell her that she was a slob, and soon realized that half of the clutter in the house was from me. But this was the good news. When another person upsets us, we can either lash out, causing ongoing friction or try to model the proper behaviors. So I cleaned up my shit, and in doing so, she did so too. I created a new rule that I choose to clean up after myself and she was going to do what she does. No longer did I hold in my mind that she should, must, or has to do what I wanted her to do, I just needed to set the example and give her the freedom to simply be.

The final step of my healing strategy is in regard to forgiveness. And no, it is not about forgiving other people because this is called “A Spiritual Bypass.”

Oh, I’ve heard it thousands of times. It is important to forgive and forget. I say that is lazy and there is an A – Z progress to healing. Not A, B, C, Z. 

Think about it. Somebody abuses you, a part of you is now fixated on that time period and you are supposed to forgive them? In doing so, you are on some level putting your stamp of approval on their actions, causing internal strife. They abused you and you got hurt and the memories haunt you. Forgiving them bypasses the healing. Talk with your younger self, let them purge this memory as you listen to it with love, and then ask them what they need from you to feel better. When you follow through on that request you heal internally. Self-forgiveness is forgiving yourself for the judgments you have toward them or yourself. When we harshly judge another person, it only harms us. Forgiving ourselves for any judgment heals us. In regards to them, this is not a process of forgiving them but turning away from the judgment and honoring us instead.

Here is the format: “I forgive myself for judging them as an asshole and the truth is, they were doing the best that they knew.” The highlight here is forgiving you.

“But they raped my daughter or murdered my friend.” Then process through this in therapy and work on the underlying hurt so you can free yourself of your own personal hell. They did something but you continue to torment you. Work on your side of the fence. You live with yourself 24/7, how do you choose to be with yourself?  

We heal by addressing our behaviors, our thoughts, and our emotions. The spirituality in this model is the application of love through kind words to ourselves, play activities with the wounded parts inside of us, and through the forgiveness of ourselves for the torment we do to ourselves.