Top 10 Relationship Mistakes
Relationships take work and if you don’t know the proper skills, it can be easy to fall into the usual pitfalls that I have fallen into so many times in my life. I guess through all my mistakes I am well aware of the most common mistakes people make. Now, this is not the full list by any means. This is why thousands of books on this subject have been written. It is always advised to attend couples therapy to work on proper relationship skills, but in the meantime, let me give you some pointers to help you avoid being in the doghouse like I was so used to.
Let’s count this down in reverse order, as Rick Beato does on his YouTube channel.
Number 10 – Denial
Putting your head in the sand and believing things should be different than the way they are won’t change a thing. The mark of an adult is adapting to each situation. And yes, the situations will appear, but they do so for us to learn and grow. If relationships are not having problems, it is not a working relationship and only exists on the surface. The question is, will you address the difficulties, work together on the solutions, and keep making the appropriate adjustments? Denying them doesn’t make your relationship better, it shows that you aren’t doing your part in enhancing it, and doing what you can to help it thrive.
Number 9 – Enabling
When somebody is doing something you disagree with, it is important to tell them. If you don’t communicate your dissatisfaction and allow them to continue doing something wrong that is a detriment to themselves and others, you are “enabling” or supporting their limiting actions.
A client’s eldest son was holding the family hostage with his angry outbursts and demands. He made my client buy him alcohol and cannabis to calm his nerves, which of course caused more issues. Afraid to set the needed limits, because if they did so, personal harm may take place, then the son may be put in jail, or move out and become homeless. Purchasing these substances didn’t help the son, but only kept him stuck like a dependent baby. Allowing somebody to suffer the consequences of their behaviors helps them grow. It worked for me. I needed to become homeless because of my substance use, in order to ultimately change my ways and become the man I am today.
Number 8 – Making Assumptions
Do you think you have the ability to read your partner’s mind? You may assume you can do so, but no, you cannot. However so many people believe their assumptions are fact, act on them, and wind up in the dog house – like I did, which wasn’t too bad because it was my sailboat. The only person you know 100% accurately is you. We say, “When you AssUme, you are making an ass out of you and me.” The solution is to ask them if they are thinking a certain way. Relationships are two people relating.
Number 7 – Trying to Fix Your Partner
Be honest, do you know how to fix someone? If not, why do you keep on trying? This is called a boundary violation. If your partner is unhappy, angry, or anxious just let them be. Allow people the dignity of their process. What causes the most problems in relationships is manipulation and control. People have all the resources within themselves to heal, just give them the space to do so. You can be loving and ask if they need anything, but don’t tell them they need to take medication or just be happy, because they are them, and what works for you may not work for them. The best thing to do is surround yourself in love, hold it, and interact with them while holding onto that feeling. You’ve heard about the law of attraction? You know, when you are down people will kick you. Well, what happens when you are up? When up people want to love you, go to that loving place inside of you and just hold. That is the best intervention you can make.
Number 6 – Substance Use
Substances alter your ability to think, and react, and give you a false sense of being in control. If there are problems in your relationship substance use is a surefire way to ending it permanently. And yes, substance use may be the only thing a couple may know. Many relationships begin by using substances together, then comes the child, and then the headaches. I know it can be your normal and you have it under control. I used to think this way until partner after partner left me in the lurch. As an experiment, try to sober up for a month together and see the difference. Look, I face people every day who defend their substance use because it is their normal way of being, and without the safety blanket their whole world would be turned upside down. And it will. You owe it to your body, your brain, your relationship, and even your kids to be in the best shape you can be.
Number 5 – Blaming the Other Person
In order to protect their unresolved issues, people will focus all their own insecurities on their partner. And yes, if you spot it you got it. Instead of wasting your time trying to get your partner to take the blame and them secretly hating you, do yourself a favor and work on your side of the fence. Yes, I know it doesn’t feel good to be wrong, or fail, or look like the screwup, but making them change, saying you’re sorry, or feel bad will not help you feel better. Instead, take the situation as a healing opportunity. See your partner as your mirror, and work on the same dynamic in yourself.
My father said if you point your finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you. Sigmund Freud called this “Projections.” Like a film projector, we are projecting our bad onto another person – the screen. Do you like when somebody calls you on your shit? Would they like it if you called them on theirs? The interesting point here is, when you point out their issues, you are pointing out your own.
Number 4 – Committing a Spiritual Bypass (Forgiving Them)
When we rush to forgive others, we are committing a “Spiritual Bypass.” This is when we bypass healing on the mental and emotional levels in an effort to quickly numb our pain. Somebody does something to us and instead of processing through it, we try to skip forward and just be done with it.
We devote a lot of time in our program to dealing with bypasses. It seems ludicrous to say: “I forgive you for slapping my face and spitting on me.” Do you? Or, is this how you think things will get better? Well, I hate to break the bad news to you, but it doesn’t get better. If you don’t deal with this, you risk enabling the behavior and might be slapped and spit on again.
In 1992, during the Rodney King Riots, a truck driver was pulled out of his car and beaten senselessly because he just happened to be white in a black neighborhood. He got brain damage and lost the ability to walk or talk again. During sentencing, his family read a statement forgiving these men.
Number 3 – Having to Punish Ourselves
When I made a mistake growing up, I was sent to my room, got spanked, and was expected to feel bad about what I did. As an adult, I often treated myself in this same ridiculous way. But, this was how I was trained to deal with mishaps, and began passing it down to my daughter until my partner asked me why I was doing so.
It is important to understand that we learn through trial and error. When we fall down it is important to get back up, learn from it, and push forward once again. This is how I learned to improve scholastically, in sports, and in other areas of my life. Shoot, I made all the mistakes you could when I first opened this business. I didn’t shame myself, I praised myself for my efforts and for my learnings. Now I know all the things not to do in business.
Number 2 – Holding on to Resentments
One day my fiance’ told me she remembered something I had done two years before and was still upset about it. I told her it sounded like something I would have done and was grateful I had learned and grown from it.
“I am upset because…”
Look at the above statement. When we focus on the because, it is external, or what we call – in our “Circle of Concern”. We may be concerned about what someone else has done, but we have no impact on changing them – they do. The “Circle of Influence” is simply ourselves. In the above statement, “I am upset because,” the only thing we can work on is our own upset. Talk out your upset in counseling, write out what has upset you, and rip it up. Walk and talk out loud about your frustration and let it go. Apply love to the part inside of you that went through that problem. The person that harmed you is not that person anymore – they have changed but your upset hasn’t. Instead, work on your upset.
It turned out that my fiance’ was caught driving under the influence that day. Go figure.
Number 1 – Making Rationalizations (Excuses)
Rationalize means rational lies. Instead of making excuses, accept what you have done in order to work on changing yourself. If you yelled at your kids, then admit it, and process through it through journal writing. Here is a rich area for counseling because if the actions of your partner or children upset you, it may be bringing up issues from your childhood.
Honorable Mention – Avoidance
Have you ever avoided discussing a problem in hopes it will go away? Well, the mark of a mature relationship is talking about something and then coming up with a mutual solution together. Problems happen, it just comes with the territory. Relationships are not about trying to be perfect because that is just a cover-up. Admit your faults when you are called on them so that you can learn and grow and become a better partner and parent.
Compassionate Care is Always Available
There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.
For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry. We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.
May you have good mental health.
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