I learned a long time ago that when I compare myself to other people I always lose. My mother used to say, “The grass is always greener on the other side.” I think the reason why I made comparisons was in having low self-worth. We always assume that people are perfect and better, and we make ourselves second best – but that is just my theory. The real issue here is not the comparisons but why we are making them in the first place. Then it begs the question – where did the belief come from? Was it something we just made up or was it from a person or persons who told us we didn’t measure up?

The mind is fascinating. Often as a therapist, I deal with people who have low self-worth. Rarely do I deal with someone who has the opposite – overinflated self-worth. This is where the person feels they are the greatest and everyone else is just pawns to use in their manipulation of life. This is often referred to as being an Egomaniac.

According to Sigmund Freud, our Ego is in charge of our sense of self. He believed that our Ego was very fragile and tried to feel superior or else would be annihilated by someone more savvy. To protect our fragile sense of self, people put down others to prove to themselves that they are incredible. If this describes you or a loved one, know that the flip side of this process is feelings of inferiority.  

A past fiancé used to tell me that I was so young and immature. She was “an old soul” and I was emotionally a baby. My response to her was – “If I was an old soul, I wouldn’t have to tell people I was.” Obviously, she is a past fiancé.

Each time we compare ourselves to others we both lose. Mother Theresa used to say, “If you judge people, you don’t have time to love them.” Why not simply see the beauty in the people we see? As well, see the beauty in ourselves?

All the comparisons we make come from various sources – family, friends, and society. There is also the source of stereotypes, judgments, and of course comparisons. It’s interesting to realize that we are 99.99% the same. Our chemical makeup is the same, our DNA is the same, and we have the same fears, doubts, and joys. We all eat, poop, and bleed. Therefore the only thing that makes us different is what our belief system tells us. If we make a person above us, we are making ourselves less than. If we make ourselves superior, how is that going to gender a close and loving relationship? Letting go of our Ego based judgments leads to living a more harmonious life.   

But, and it is a big but, our society doesn’t support this way of thinking. In visiting the Netherlands last year, I was taken by how happy and accommodating the people were. Then I learned that it was the third happiest place on earth. Little crime, no homelessness, and billboards throughout The Haag depicted happy people who reveled in living in a happy environment. Their conditioning was different. One of togetherness and care. There is the International Peace Center located in the heart of this city. It was dedicated to promoting world peace. A quote from Rumi: “Out beyond right and wrongdoing, there is a field – I’ll meet you there.” I think this was that field.

Though our murder rate is of most concern to these people who may have a few a year, compared with ours that has daily numbers, and rising. Though we keep comparing, living life from our Ego and keeping our Ego in check can be a full-time job given the conditioning we have received. In order to change from right/wrong thinking to heart-centered thinking, it becomes a process of unlearning and going against what we have been groomed to do.  

Assumptions have been a big topic at this facility in recent months. People assume the worst and hope for the best. They assume they know exactly what people are thinking and feeling. Shoot, the parents I treat believe their children have schemed against them, and since they share the same life experiences as adults, and are doing all these things to spite them. Children 5 years old are… well they are 5-year-olds. Young children lack life knowledge and experience and all they are really doing is observing and trying to make sense out of the world.

I loved the teachings of Donald Winnicott who practiced Object Relations Therapy. Object Relations is concerned with the children and parent bond. If there was an incomplete bond between the child and the caretaker (usually the mom), the child would have mental illness. He treated his patients by giving them a “corrective emotional experience.” He was known for taking his patients home and incorporating them into his family. His patients were involved in the cooking and cleaning of the meals and took part in wonderful conversations that took place at the table while they ate. 90% of these people healed radically and many of them suffered from Schizophrenia. Why? Because love heals.

If you are used to being treated harshly when you were a child, most likely you will treat others harshly. If you were abused, people tend to abuse. If you hid away in your closet to get away from the abuse, do you do so now? Having that corrective emotional experience can bring the comparisons way down and help you live more at ease with yourself and others.

I like telling the story of when I was in graduate school, learning about projections, and then going on a long drive with my friend. Projections are another Freudian principle where you are like a film projector you project your negativity onto others – the screen. My dad said if you point your finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you. Or, in our program, we say, “If you spot it, you got it.” Anyway, I was driving with a friend, and an older person cut in front of me and proceeded to slow down to 50 MPH in the fast lane! I yelled out, “You idiot!” My friend laughed. I laughed realizing that I was calling myself an idiot – owning the projection.

When we compare ourselves to others we are in our mind. Watch out in this realm. As we operate from our heart and focus on the beauty in others the comparisons fade. In realizing that we all are doing the best that we can it becomes easier to see a person as a work in progress.  

In graduate school, they made it clear that when we mistreated others we were really mistreating ourselves. People are placeholders for us and on some level, we treat them the way we treat us. If we are harsh with others, guess how we are with us? If we love others, we have a solid relationship with ourselves. So, again, why would we want to do people (or ourselves) harm? Normally our harsh interactions can be tracked back to early childhood experiences. This is why the treatment of early childhood trauma is so important. Now, if we treat the part inside of us that went through trauma with love – we heal. This is the strategy of Spiritual Psychology. Talk to that younger part that got hurt and give him or her your compassion.

Ultimately it boils down to your intentions. If you want to remain right and remain in your judgments that is okay. I’ve learned to present my case, and live the message, but allow people the dignity of their own choices. I am not here to convince anybody to live a life the way I want them to. Who am I? One thing that I appreciate about the schooling that I went through is embracing the differences. If you haven’t noticed, there are a lot of people who choose to live in ways that bring them comfort. When they aren’t comforted anymore, then therapy is recommended. What people want out of therapy depends on their desires, not ours.

As always, treat people and yourselves with loving kindness.