I remember a graduate student who was an intern I supervised at the Mental Health Urgent Care Center years ago, who graduated from one of the top schools in southern California. He knew all the dynamics of why a person was in a crisis, but was a lost boy when it came to counseling. You may know the dynamic, but it doesn’t mean that you can help heal them through mental strategies. Showing compassion, listening, and allowing them the space they need to simply vent is much more effective.

Leaning in with an open heart opens doors. Then the real issue is how do we raise our hopes, our confidence, and our caring feelings before we try to swing that door open?

I asked my father years ago how he did so well as a salesman. My father was great at not only getting business but making close friends with all he connected with. He told me that he finds something about the person he knows they like. One example was his seeing a golfing calendar and he asked the man where he likes to golf. For years my dad and this man not only conducted a lot of business together, but also enjoyed golfing together.

Moving past your negativity and doubt can be an art form. Why not get what you want? Have you considered that your attitude can block you from obtaining your desires? Open up a place inside of you that can accept goodness to come in. Visualizing success can break down your doubt and give you hope because on some level you actually see yourself succeeding. This is what athletes do. They visualize themselves hitting the ball, pole vaulting great distances, and doing the hurdles perfectly. It is foolish to lose in your own fantasies. Why not win in them? What is it about you that is innately wrong? Who told you that you weren’t good enough? Was that person perfect? Or, as we said in graduate school – were they God? If God told me I wasn’t good enough I’d listen, however, the God that I know is unconditionally loving and only wants the best for me. Then why can we be so harsh on ourselves? Normally this is because we were trained to do so as a child. It is unlearning that we must treat ourselves like our parents did and punish ourselves by feeling bad. Do we have to feel ashamed of ourselves if we fail at something? No, not at all. Did we learn from the mistake? If yes, then hold onto the learning, walk that path, and move forward.

There can be another element at play here. It is regarding what if we managed to get what we wanted? What would happen then? Would we feel more judgments from others? Would we threaten people in some way? Would they want to hurt us? Confidence, love, and positivity is a positive energy. The dark cannot come into the light. When we shine our light we are safe, happy, and filled with joy. We are a force to be reckoned with – in a good way. When we shine our light, we give others the permission to shine their own. As we stay in our fear and doubt that gets returned back to us.

Recurring issues are repeating problems we face over and over again. Why? Because we are used to attracting negativity out of habit. The real fear may not be we are weak but powerful beyond measure. Maryanne Williamson has a great quote about our greatest fear that is too long to post in this article but warrants looking up and reading. It is okay for us to be our fabulous selves because in not doing so the world suffers.

Purge out your negativity before you try on something new. Write it out and rip it up. Go for a walk and talk out loud about what is pissing you off, then let it go. Next, remind yourself of how you really want to feel. We call this intention setting. For example, “My intention is to be caring, open, and relaxed.” Repeat this in your mind until you get into that mental space, next lean into the new.

One major breakthrough happened for a client this past week that was extraordinary just because they leaned in with their heart and broke through a self-imposed barrier. How about you?   

In closing, it is important for us to fall because in falling down we learn something beneficial. We learn through trial and error and failures can lead to incredible success.