Psychology is basically the science of relationships. One of my licenses is for Marriage, Family Therapy. As you can see it deals with the relationships between two or more people, however, our relationships with others is a reflection of how we are with ourselves. Therefore, we need to improve our relationship with ourselves to see improvements with other people in our life.

Let’s face it. We have been raised in a backward world where it is important to “Do unto others the way you want them to do unto you,” though, have they done unto you? This, treating people kindly so they would be kind to me separated myself from myself and taught me to put others ahead of myself. In doing this I would go to great strides to please them, and in the long run, got taken advantage of.

In relationships I went to great lengths to win the hand of the fair maiden and once I swooped them off their feet, a few months later would often hear them say I was just a lie and not the person that they first met. I eventually learned that I needed to be myself right at the start, flaws and all. 

As the Genie told Aladdin, “Bee yourself, should I sting her?”

It is important in relationships to be yourself. The first step is to really know who you are. Who are you? Often people focus so much on changing to please others that they lose track of themselves. As a therapist, my first step with clients is helping them discover who they are underneath all the substance use and years of crushing depression. To rebuild your relationship within, you need to make a vow to make yourself the number one priority.

Who is the most important person in your life? I understand that many answer this question the way they think I want to hear it. So many blurt out that it is themselves that is the number one priority, then fess up and tell me that their real number one is a parent, a friend, a partner, their child, and even a dog. If you are not taking care of yourself first, how can you take care of them? If there is nothing in the pot to give, then what you give them is nothing. Here is where it is a chore to cook for your children, enjoy time with your partner, and begin isolating. It is okay to take care of yourself first. Saying no is the start. When you say no to others, you are saying yes to you. Setting boundaries can be done in a loving manner. “No, I can’t come over Mom to throw out your trash today.” No excuses are needed. No is sufficient. If mom pushes you for a reason. “I have other things on my to-do list.” Of course, the main item on the list is taking care of yourself.

We only can give so much when we are on empty, therefore fill up your own battery first. Practice good self-care and it is okay to say no to others if you don’t have the energy.

Think about this: if you didn’t rush to somebody’s beckoning call, would they survive? If it is life-threatening call 911 and rush out to help. Emergencies are one thing, getting yourself back into balance is another. This may sound harsh because on some level many feel obligated to always being there for another person. Consider this, caring for others creates dependency and laziness on their part. We are in this life to learn and grow and become a better person. Perhaps in you saying no, it is the best thing for them. Suddenly they would need to care for themselves and in the process grow into a better person. Us rushing in and rescuing at a moment’s notice may be important for the elderly or young children who lack the capacity to care for themselves, but in helping able-bodied people, it keeps them stuck and dependent. More or less you are harming them. Therefore, I ask myself if I am giving them a fish or teaching them how to fish.

Once you make a vow to make yourself the top priority, next, tend to all your levels – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. If one lacks, it can put the rest of you out of balance. We all know how to care for ourselves physically – diet, exercise, sleep, relaxation, etc. So follow through on this commitment on a daily basis.

To care for yourself mentally, exchange negatives with positives. In fact, in one seminar I attended, when we became aware of negative thinking we were to snap our fingers to release that thought or fling it over our shoulders while saying the word “Deflect” and say what the truth was. For example, “Deflect, the truth is I am intelligent!” Accentuate the positive and catch yourself doing something right. Forget about what is the worst thing that can happen. Instead, focus on the best. Affirmations work well to keep the mind positive. Repeat your wonderful qualities over and over in your mind to show yourself you are choosing to be more upbeat. If negative thinking persists, take out some paper, write down all your negative thoughts, and then rip them up.

Emotionally is the challenging part for the untrained because it is a language all its own. The easiest way to tend to your emotions is to create a relationship with your inner child, or the part inside of you that existed when you were growing up. In a sense, you become the new parent to you. I tried to warn you this is a different language. Emotions are the center of our feelings and replacing anxiety and anger with love is the key. Opposite handwriting is my favorite tool to deal with my emotional self. This tool is basically writing out a conversation on paper in which your dominant hand represents your current self and the opposite hand represents your child self. Then talk to your younger self with tender loving care. Love is seen as the ultimate healer emotionally, therefore when love is applied to your younger self, it heals. As we heal internally, we generally have more love and more self-confidence as we interact with others.

A note here: Many believe that it is selfish to love yourself or it is narcissistic. Consider this: if you can’t love yourself, how could you love them? We can’t give away what we don’t have. Love of a narcissistic type is only one-sided. The general rule is to love yourself first, fill up your tank, and then share that tank with others. It is an inside-out process. It is not just a me thing to hide from the world.

Spirituality is basically our relationship with God or whatever force you believe began all of life in the universe. Prayer and meditation top the list of things to enhance spirituality. If during your meditations your mind is filled with thoughts, write the thoughts out, rip them up, and continue on. Visualizations are very spiritual. If you focus on what you truly want it is a way of Spirit understanding your true desires. So often we focus on what we don’t want and create that for ourselves. What negatives have you focused on that have come true? Many in recovery focus on – not using. And, of course, they start using again because spirit doesn’t hear the word not. Instead of focusing on what you don’t want, focus on what you do want.  

As you have seen, the focus of this article at the start is getting your side of the fence in order. Since we have no ability to change them. The first focus needs to be on changing you. If you want more love from them, be more loving yourself.

Once in balance, then it is time to take your show on the road and properly interact with others. Since “relationships” are two or more people “relating”, then pay special attention to your attitude as you communicate.

“Mind your attitude Malfoy!” As Ronald Weasley would say.

We work on “Heart Centered Sharing” in our program. The fine art of communication is making sure that the message sent is received. If what you say to somebody else comes with an attitude, the doorway to them is closed. To keep the door open communicate from a neutral or heart-centered place. In fact, I also ask couples to avoid using the word “you”. “You” can feel like an attack, so state things neutrally or use yourself as an example. Instead of, “You made me upset,” it may be more functional to say, “I got really upset the other day when the yelling began and I couldn’t take in what was being said.” This kind of communication can be mastered quickly.

Side-to-side communication can be of help. This is basically going for a walk together or talking while driving in the car. Face to face can be confrontational to some, so finding another way to talk is the next step. If walking doesn’t work, texting, emails, or letters may help. Still, if there is no communication, the relationship has died. The mere fact that you are talking to one another means there is some hope for a resolution to whatever is troubling you.