We are all the same. Nobody is above or below us. Until we realize that we are all in this family of life together, we can learn to bridge the gap between people, countries, and this world. Such a lofty way of looking at life, many would think, but when you get right down to the fact that we are all 99.999% the same the only difference is what we think.  

Family Systems Therapy talks about the dynamics of one person giving control to somebody else. Murray Bowen, who created the Family Systems Therapy approach believed that families tremendously affected how members think, feel, and act, but individuals in the family varied in the degree they conformed. The less developed the sense they had of themselves were, the more of an impact others had on them. So in therapy, Dr. Bowen worked on strengthening a person’s ability to resist the automatic response of following along and taking their own opinions into account.

In the extreme, especially in domestic violence situations, one spouse pressures the other to think and act in certain ways and the other accommodates them to keep the peace. Though, as family tension rises further, the subordinate spouse may yield so much self-control that their anxiety increases significantly and contributes to developing psychiatric, medical, and/or social dysfunction.

Relationships are an incredible study, if I can be quite honest. When two people meet and start dating, the family systems of both people collide. People are different psychologically. Each person is raised the way they were raised and this is their normal, suddenly they are in close quarters with another person raised differently, then bring on the children. Yikes!

It takes two people to find a middle ground, compromise, and learn ways to communicate where both people are heard. If you grew up with a strong parent dictating to others what to do and how to act, this becomes normal. If two people were raised the same way, it can make for an interesting relationship. Often I hear that one person tries to keep the relationship going, by preplanning everything, buying gifts, knowing how the other wants them to be, then changing themselves to please them. And often, people get stuck in these lifestyles for years! At that point is there love or a constant pursuit of it?

It is up to you to decide what type of relationship you want to have. Since we can’t change them, it is important for us to be ourselves, and if they don’t like you for you, it is obviously a dysfunctional relationship. One in which you have to hide your true self from the other. This is not fair to you or them. Then there is the subject of finances. Many people feel they are financially trapped and one or both cannot afford to move on and live life the way they want. All in the sign of the times.

What should be done if we feel locked into a situation? As my best friend told me, “There is always an out.” We are in this life to learn, grow, and be the best we can be. We are all on our own solo journey and during these transitional periods, the person you need to confide in the most with, is yourself. Write a letter to yourself. It may be odd but in my writing a letter to myself while I was in the midst of an abusive relationship, I came up with an exit plan – “Just in Case”. Well just in case showed up and I was out of there in a flash. Many can be stuck in these abusive relationships for years, or decades. It took me the process of visualizing the exit plan that saved me years of grief.

In intimate relationships, people are honest, and open, talk about the hard subjects, mediate a resolution, and grow stronger. It is not about pleasing the other person so they will stay. There is a knowing that they choose to be with you and there is safety to talk about subjects that are often avoided. These relationships have each partner practicing self-care and supporting each other in whatever way is needed. It is a mutual understanding and commitment.