The Emotional Bank Account

Whether you are in a good or bad relationship, it is important to know about the emotional bank account. I ask you, in your current relationship are you making deposits or withdrawals? Healthier relationships tend to have more of a positive balance.

What are deposits into the bank account? A deposit could be simply avoiding your cell phone or an incoming call and focusing on being with your partner. It could be as big as a surprise hot air balloon ride for no real occasion. In understanding what your partner enjoys and doing this for them, the connection between the both of you can greatly improve.

The relationship part of a relationship may be hard for some people. Us men were taught to win the hand of the fair maiden. Then what? Nobody told me how to be in a relationship, I only learned through watching my parents’ successes and failures. Trying to outdo them, I have been overly attentive and accommodating, which sometimes can have its detriments.

There is no formula for success in every relationship. Oh, we know the basics like honoring your vow to not sleep around or abuse, but the everyday relationship takes work, not the let’s make things up as we go along.

I believe it is important for each partner to work on themselves. Since our relationships are a reflection of how we are with ourselves, it is crucial to tend to our own emotional bank account within. How are you with you?

Let’s just imagine that you have had a poor relationship with yourself. You know, for argument’s sake. Then how do you release this baggage and not drag it with you into your current relationship? Often people don’t know, drag it in, and make huge withdrawals. At some point in every relationship, the real you will come out. If you have processed through the old issues, the real you would normally be kind and considerate. If not, then watch out in a crisis! The venom you spew toward yourself will no doubt be spewed at your partner, kids, and friends. Not so much of a deposit, ey?

My partner loves flowers. There were times I couldn’t afford to buy them so I picked them from the neighbor’s bushes. Since nobody said anything, I got away with it, even though she gave me the “that’s illegal look,” when I handed them to her with a sheepish grin. Still, I knew that she appreciated even these.

 

 

What makes your partner happy is one way to make a deposit, addressing the uncomfortable issues is another. You may think that if you don’t discuss a problem it will go away, but it lurks in your consciousness and theirs too. It might be uncomfortable to talk about these things, but doing so fosters more intimacy and a desire to work through the problem to strengthen your bond.

Intimacy is the ability to talk about issues from a caring place. I honor the memory of Carl Rogers who developed the Encounter groups of the 1960s and 70s. He brought warring nations together to talk about the hard stuff, the stuff that people had been dying over for generations. He was able to foster peace between Egypt and Israel! Pretty awesome! I am sure your issues may not be that big but perhaps feel that way. When two sides are able to air out their frustrations, talk about the important things that matter the most, realize that the other party also shares these same beliefs, a bonding takes place.

Maybe there is something more at stake here? In keeping the relationship on the surface and avoiding the risk of being vulnerable or being hurt, we remain emotionally young. Who wants to deal with the adult stuff when it is so fun in relationships to play? Who am I as a therapist to make anybody grow up and face the difficult subjects in life? Still, the reward of these relationships is what we call a “Conscious Relationship.” In conscious relationships, the upsets we have are processed through in an attempt to learn and grow within ourselves thus having more love available in our relationships with others. Instead of yelling, arguing, or trying to be right, let go of all the defenses and take in what your partner is saying. At that moment, it is important for them to tell you, therefore, please have the decency to listen. Then check inside of you. Does this information fit? If it does, tell them. Here is the huge deposit! “Thank you for telling me this. It hurts, but you are right.” Nobody has ever told us to do this! Does being right help you or the relationship? Let it go. It is okay to fail because that is how we learn and grow. Just take their comments as information. Sometimes the comments don’t fit, and they are projecting their issues onto you. It is okay. If this is the situation, just know they need to believe this in the moment and after they calm down, cooler heads prevail – I guess that is the term.

When we are upset, we don’t think clearly. Make sure to communicate from a calm and neutral place. Then the message sent will be received. I love to thank my partner for listening, which is another huge deposit. Rewarded behaviors are often repeated. If I praise my partner for communicating, they are more apt to confide something with me before they do so with their friends and I can avoid being talked down about. (well, hopefully)

There is a fine art to relationships. If two people are relating it moves the relationship forward. The withholds keep withdrawing the needed funds.

Hope this helps.

Compassionate Care is Always Available

There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.

For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry. We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.

May you have good mental health.