Relationship Rescue

Unfortunately, we were never taught in school how to keep a relationship healthy. As with most mental health-related issues, we learned usually how to fix things by mimicking how our parents did things. If you came from a healthy home, no doubt the odds are you will be healthy in a relationship, but that doesn’t have a bearing on your partner. Paying close attention to what kind of environment they grew up in will give you a clue on how they are going to treat you, and vice versa.

There are many tools that you can use to minimize the conflicts and repair the damage in your relationship, but they are not the cure-all. Only a deep exploration of the family system you were brought up in, and processing through the wounds from your past will provide you with a more secure foundation within yourself. Note the language I am using. Relationship repair is not trying to fix the problems that your partner has, it is about fixing you.

So often, couples come in and want me to fix a person. That quickly gets flipped around. Projections are a defense mechanism we use to point out all the problems we see in someone else but don’t want to see within. Well, how would you recognize they have this problem unless on some level you do it yourself?

My dad told me if I pointed my finger at someone, three fingers were pointing back at me. Now, as my first inkling is to blame the other person, I take the time to see how I do this with myself, others, God, or have the capacity to do so.

“BUT THEY’RE WRONG!” People often shout. Okay, let’s look at that. If you are so hell-bent on focusing on the other person and making them bad or wrong, how is this helping your relationship? Are you perfect? Humbling isn’t it.

We are not perfect and if we are spending our time focusing on what is wrong, then how does this reflect back on you? Is it important to put them down? How is this helping things? In putting them down, how is it improving your relationship? As you continue to pile drive onto your partner, take a moment to reflect upon how your parents interacted with each other. Have you turned into your parents?

All the garbage from your past needs to be processed through. In our program, inner child work is the key. In treating that part of us that went through all the drama, with love and respect, we heal. Then what? Well, that is the question. For many holding onto resentments are how they are made up. If the resentments faded, maybe more peace would be experienced.

Relationship therapy is a combination of individual work and couple’s work. According to Wayne Dyer, people just want to feel good. If you came from a family who found joy in putting people down, then that would be your normal. What if you were to say kind words to your loved one instead? How often do you already do so? We do an exercise in which couples tell each other what they like about each other, then confess that they never do that. This breaks my heart. Here are two people (mostly) who interact on a regular basis and generally keep a tote board of all the bad things the other person did. How is this going to improve the relationship? And what is the intention? “Excuse me Betty, you are texting with your friend while our baby is crying. This is the third time you did this, this week. Oh yeah, I love you.” Then you wonder why Betty doesn’t want to have sex with you later on that evening.

To save your relationship, it is important to treat your partner with love and dignity. If things are driving you crazy about a person, write it out, rip it up, and reflect on how you do the same thing. Until you can come to peace within yourself, the relationship will never be functional. They are doing this wrong, and needs to be replaced with, I love them because.

My parents were married for 58 years before my father passed. They told me the success in their marriage was being each other’s best friend, doing things together, and making each other laugh. I was going through a photo album last year and found a picture of my parents, my sister, and me in hysterics. That was the environment I grew up in with my mother and stepfather. With my natural father, it was dark and abusive. Obviously, inflicting our anger and resentments onto someone doesn’t make for a good relationship, especially when there are children around. Why do you think I needed to go through therapy?

Take the time, when upset by your loved one to write out your feelings and then rip them up. Own the projection – basically see how you do the same thing and work on changing that. And lastly, share from your heart. The more times you do, the better your relationship will be.

One last item. If you don’t work on changing yourself and ending this relationship, you will continue this pattern in the next. Isn’t it time for you to change what you are doing?

Compassionate Care is Always Available

There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.

For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry.  We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.

May you have good mental health.