If we treated ourselves with respect, the majority of our problems would improve. Even though this states the obvious, it is not as simple as it sounds. Why don’t you take the ultimate care of yourself? Is there not enough time? Would people judge you as selfish? Maybe you find it more fun drinking with your friends than growing? The biggest element of change is the desire to change. Going with the flow will keep you stuck and deteriorating. Have you ever given yourself ultimate care?

Getting out of the same old routine and breaking old habits takes effort. Some magic force isn’t going to come along and restore you to sanity—you are. In Spiritual Psychology, “God meets us at our point of action.” As we make the effort, God is right there with us. Until you stop what you normally do, keeping you stuck, can you be determined to change? If so, your healing is at hand.

Oh, I’ve heard the excuses—and yes, there are a lot of reasons not to change, but if you have one, why not go for it? Instead of taking the time to please everyone else, stay with the familiar, and give excuses, why not try? I used to give to everybody else in order to receive love. I decided to do the backwards—give to myself what I wanted from them—and had immediate results. This was how I started my healing journey. When I was addicted and depressed, it was my normal to try to get my needs met from others. My strategy degraded to getting people high so they would hang out with me. Today, I have compassion for that younger part of me that thought this way. In therapy, I learned that if I got people to like me, they wouldn’t hurt me. It shows you that the root of my difficulties in life didn’t start with my substance use, but when I was abused as a child.

Self-care takes on many forms. It includes our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Taking care of our emotional needs is less known and will be the focus of this article. How do we care for our emotional needs? It is applying love to the hurt part within us. Yes, each trauma doesn’t just vanish; it is etched upon our soul. In working to heal these traumas, we are literally tending to our soul.

When we put all our effort into getting our needs met by others, it breeds codependence and pulls us further from our soul center. Suddenly, they are healing us (which doesn’t work) instead of us taking care of us. What also happens is that when they don’t heal us in the way we want, it isn’t uncommon to feel like a victim. This was why it was so powerful learning to please me. In doing so, you are eliminating the middleman (so to speak). Was this easy? No. It was so ingrained to seek out everything from others that I didn’t know who I was. You see, I was in the habit of changing myself to please others, to the detriment of myself.

Unfortunately, in our society, people who focus on taking care of themselves first are called narcissistic. So we learn to avoid ourselves, hope others will do so, but isn’t it true that on an airplane they instruct people to put their own mask on first before trying to save others?

Good self-care begins with you taking care of yourself. Period. Unfortunately, I have heard too many people confess that they don’t deserve happiness. There are many who actually hit themselves in the face or smash their head into a wall. People who burn or cut themselves take their frustrations out on themselves. The simple fact is, we cannot harm ourselves enough to make things better. If you truly feel you have done something so wrong it is unforgivable, take the time to view it from as many angles as you can—your viewpoint, another person’s viewpoint, and so on—until you get the full picture. Next, learn from it. You may find that it wasn’t really your fault. Or, if it was, can you try to learn and grow from it so you don’t make the same mistake?

If you have failed horribly at something, you have a decision to make—to either beat yourself up or make a positive change. People fail. Life is all about trial and error. This is how we learn. This is how we change. I failed my first licensing exam by 10 questions. I didn’t punish myself or hit my face on the wall. I took it as an opportunity to break down the test and see it objectively. Doing so gave me a different perspective, and a few months later, I aced the exam! If you view problems as a blessing for learning and growth instead of opportunities to bash yourself, then healing is at hand.

According to Object Relations Therapy, early childhood traumatic experiences lead to problems with mental illness. Do we then suffer forever? According to Spiritual Psychology, no! Healing takes place when love is applied to hurt.

Opposite hand writing is “The Tool” for healing on the emotional level. Opposite hand writing allows you to write out a dialogue with the younger part inside of you that is wounded. When we go through a shock and don’t process through it, a portion of us gets emotionally stuck at that age stage, and according to Fritz Perls of Gestalt Therapy, it has “unfinished business.” And yes, we have many wounded age stages inside of us. Some are severe, others are mild. If you suffered a trauma at, say, 3 years old, opposite hand writing allows you to talk with that younger part. The opposite hand represents your younger self, and the dominant hand represents you now. Then write out a conversation and let each hand represent its own perspective. “When love is applied to hurt, we heal.” The adult needs to show love and care and simply allow healing to take place.

This type of healing takes commitment. There are no quick fixes for trauma. It can be simple—a daily habit of checking in and having conversations with that wounded younger self. Note: nobody can do this for you. And sometimes it can be fun when you let your other hand draw, throw a ball, or even go bowling. Opposite hand play has opened up an entire world for people to do bonding exercises within. Crazy? Perhaps, but in a good way. Think of it as reparenting yourself. It is a daily endeavor, and play is especially important when you are addressing a young child. Here lies the heart of self-care.

You may wonder why there isn’t more written about physical self-care in this article. Actually, this is what people mostly focus on in a crisis. You know—getting more exercise, eating the perfect diet, getting the perfect amount of sleep, medication, massage, etc. As you see, the physical level entails physical things. Emotions have a different language, and if you dare to travel down this path, you heal.

The same goes for mental-level care. Replacing negatives with positives seems logical, and this can be trained into us through repeating positive statements about yourself and setting positive intentions. However, real healing takes place emotionally. Until we learn to love ourselves, the positive thoughts fade, and so does the motivation to stay on your diet and exercise program. But playing with your inner child has instant results. Try playing a game of H.O.R.S.E. as you shoot the basketball with your opposite hand. Tell me that isn’t fun.

Many of my patients try to dictate treatment—believing that if they do this or that, they will heal. These people are like a full cup that has no room for anything more. When somebody comes into treatment telling me that a certain approach or tool won’t work for them, all I can do is agree. At that time, all I could do was plant seeds. One client finished my residential program in a huff. He hated himself, life, and especially his mother. When she showed up for their family session, he exploded. His cup was totally filled as he skated by in therapy. Then, two months later, he called and asked for a visit. When he arrived, he reported reviewing the homework, took it in this time, and from that moment, his life changed for the better. No longer was he unemployed. He got a great-paying job and found a life partner.

Are you willing to do whatever you can to achieve your goals? I have seen unbelievable effort and courage in thousands of people, including myself. I knew why I wanted to change. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted to get off the street. I wanted to find the person I used to be and then meet someone even more amazing—my underlying self. Yes, I had done bad things in my life, and yes, I was an addict—need I say more? Did I want to remain an addict? At that time, I did, but I knew that if I continued to live this way, I’d be dead. So, with all my remaining effort, I forged on. I gave up substances, moved in with a sober friend, got a job, and then began to get into better physical shape. Things improved drastically when I went back to school, studied psychology, went through personal growth seminars, and somehow, in the process, that person living on the street faded and years later became a doctor who owned his own clinic! Who knew?