Try These Psychological Tools
Do you know how to calm yourself naturally? We live in a fast-paced society and want quick results but the quick fix may not be that beneficial for you. I knew I was doing damage to myself when using substances, but somehow I forced myself to make a stand and fundamentally heal. To be honest, this was probably the greatest gift I ever gave to myself and I readily share what I have learned with you.
Who likes feeling depressed, anxious, angry, and hopeless? These were normal feelings to me, along with dependence, unemployment, and living on the street. My first step was being honest with myself that my life was a mess. I wanted more out of it and from that point, my number one priority was being sober. Next, well next came all the work I did on myself. From counseling, personal growth seminars, education, and a desire to be the best person I could be, I struggled my way forward. And know, any type of change is difficult because you are battling something that they never talked about in school, you are battling with familiarity. You see, it was my normal to get high, be irresponsible, follow my basic desires, and not consider what my actions were doing to myself and others. Until I was a few weeks into my new sobriety, my brain engaged and I felt remorse, felt like a fool, and thought I needed to prove myself to others. Though, to be honest, the person I needed to prove myself to was me.
Always being a quitter, I never made a stand before and had to fight to keep my word to myself. I wouldn’t allow myself to quit and when the cravings got too much, I put on my shoes and walked, and walked and walked. Therefore, finding something you can turn to when things get too difficult can be a key. Some people will exercise, some create art or music, and others may dance out their pain. My walking didn’t only pertain to sobriety, it also pertained to school. I decided to become a counselor to help people like me and I thought getting off drugs was difficult, well imagine trying to get your brain back in order at the same time? Shoot, I must have wanted to quit school 50 times but after a minimum of 15 minutes of walking, I found myself pounding on my computer keyboard once again. Please stay with it.
If you are stubborn–good. It takes being stubborn to go after your dream. And this is the next item to consider–why do you want to change? Without a dream, why bother? You have to have some desire to achieve or you won’t go through the fire of change. And yes, pain is involved and that is why it is easy to relapse. Why put yourself through the pain when the substance can be used and you will feel better? But for me, the substances were my prison and kept returning me back to that place of frustration and defeat. My identity was that of a loser, who was worthless, and simply taking up space in the world.
I wonder if you’ve ever made a full-on commitment to yourself. Many people won’t—because if they try and fail, it feels like proof that they’re a loser. And then the “fuck-its” kick in. I’m sure you know the fuck-its. “I can’t do this… fuck it.” We then go on a binge, and end up worse off than square one. So, we rationalize, this time I’ll use—but responsibly. I’ve been there. Got the T-shirt. Then I burned that damn thing. I wanted something better. So I pushed back against the thoughts telling me to give in—and I went the distance.
Life without substances started to feel easier around the three-month mark. Those first three months felt like walking across a bed of hot coals—but then, the coals began to cool, and my mind started to clear. One thing was for certain, my physical body was getting back into shape with all of my walking.
Recovery takes more than stopping to ingest certain things or physical fitness, it entails also addressing your accompanying thoughts and feelings. When the mind, body, and emotions are in balance, it helps your whole self be more balanced.
Are your thoughts logical? If your behaviors have bad outcomes, then you need to adjust your thinking. If you feel flawed and like me – a piece of shit, then it is important to give yourself a “Personal Attitude Ectomy” –as my friend Rhonda said. How you are with yourself is how you are with other people. This is why I tell couples that in order to improve their relationship, they have to improve how they are with themselves.
I’m going to go out on a limb here, but I believe we are only as strong as our emotional makeup. You may think you can think your way out of a problem—but if that’s true, then why are you still anxious and depressed? The slogan of Spiritual Psychology is: “The real issue is not your issue, the real issue is how you are with yourself while you face your issue.” When you make a mistake, do you beat yourself up? One person at our facility found out that the Kombucha they had been drinking had alcohol in it. This gave them a great reason to go on a binge. Again, the real issue is how you are with you as you go through your issue.
We learn through trial and error. If you make a mistake, learn from it, don’t make it your identity. “Hi, my name is Scott and I am an addict.” Bah Humbug. I don’t believe that garbage. Trust me, I tried to make the 12 steps work for years. I haven’t used in 30 years, not because of the 12 steps, but because of real therapy. And no, my past behaviors don’t define me. My current behaviors do. To be more accurate, – “Hi, my name is Scott and I am a positive, caring, and loving man.” This is who I am. Yes, I have made mistakes in the past, and have learned and grown from them. I see my past failures as stepping stones to where I am currently. This is the power of now! In this moment I choose to be positive, caring, and loving.
My ex used to remind me of my past failures. “I remembered that you treated me badly three years ago and I am still upset.” Yes, she actually said this. My reply was, “Yep, that sounds like something I did three years ago and I am so grateful I have learned, and grown, and became a better person because of it.” In this example, she was the one holding onto the pain of the past, instead of processing through it, like both of us learned how to do in graduate school, she decided to attack. Since we are all the same, I wondered at this time why she was choosing to attack herself?
How do we learn from the mistakes, or the abuse, or from the substance use? We write it all out and burn it. We set new intentions on how we choose to live. We become stubborn and keep ourselves on track. We apply love to the younger part inside of us that went through the situation.
I used to put my partner down, for fun. This was what my family did and that was our entertainment. I learned quickly that not everybody finds this fun, so I stopped doing so to better honor my partner.
Mind, body, emotions, and the newer one to psychology–the spiritual. This spiritual psychology is what we present at Basic Steps Mental Health and what I have presented for the past 30 years. “When love is applied to our hurt, we heal.” Love and hurt are the focus. If God is love, then applying God to hurt is what really heals us. And for those who have been reading these articles recently, you can see I am still out of my restricted box. Without any spiritual beliefs, life is one big death sentence. Is there a purpose to life? If you don’t have a purpose, this area in counseling can be very fruitful. For me, my first purpose was achieving sobriety. The next step was finding meaning. I asked myself: Was there a God? Did God have a plan? And, did God have a plan for me?
When I look back on my life, I can clearly see the path that I walked—and perhaps the people that I met on that path were not a coincidence. It is not some Higher Power that restored me to sanity, as Step One of AA tried to convince me. It turned out that God met me at the point of my actions. I stepped myself through my recovery and God was there right by my side with every step. I see God as more of an action figure. I start the action and God figures out a way to be of assistance.
Case in point: After graduating from the University of Santa Monica with my master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology, I volunteered to grade the homework for the current class of students. This was for selfish reasons. You see, I wasn’t ready to leave the university because it profoundly changed my life. So I graded papers and worked with one of the faculty members who only wanted loving remarks from the graders. Unfortunately, many of the papers I graded were weak, were not following the instructions, and fell far short of the minimum allowed. Having enough of one paper–if you call it that—I marched over to the teacher/advisor. This wasn’t a masterpiece—it was only half a page when they were looking for five typed pages, and it was off-topic, and not up to the standard of a graduate student. Well, John Whittaker, my teacher/advisor, took the student’s side, pointing out how creative and insightful they were—which made me want to puke. Then I learned that John served under Mother Theresa in Calcutta and only came from compassion. Boy did that shut me up. I learned from him it was less important to be right than to be in your loving heart. Ask yourself, would you rather be right or be filled with love?
30 years and I still operate from the heart and I am still sober. It is weird when people offer me drugs or booze. Shoot, I had a parent of a client give me a bottle of booze for the holidays. That was interesting. I still make love more important than being right. At Basic Steps Mental Heath, we do follow a curriculum for our IOP and PHP programs, but if somebody refuses to follow the assignment, I don’t get upset. I can’t force people to do what they aren’t ready for. I think this sets me apart from most treatment facilities and I worked with some administrators who kicked people out of their programs for non-compliance. Who am I to push an agenda on another person? If they aren’t ready for one tool, I have hundreds more to show them. So, when somebody resists an assignment, I will ask them what they would rather do, and most of the time they recommend something that is equally as difficult.
Could you imagine me kicking someone out of treatment? Where would they go? I feel that I can relate to most people in pain and am prepared to go on the journey of recovery right by their side. So they aren’t ready to swim in the deep part of the pool. We can still splash around by the steps if it makes them more comfortable.
Are you willing to make a commitment to yourself right now? Will you make the effort to follow through on this promise? I learned that 99% is a bitch, but 100% is a breeze. In the pool, I simply jumped in—though it was the shallow end. At least I was in the pool and quickly learned a few strokes to keep myself afloat. When I was ready, I began to dive into the depths of my hurt and pain. Using love as my oxygen mask, I addressed the issues at the root of my problems and gratefully share this with you. You can break free of the habits that bind you and live the life of your desires if that is your desire. Please give us or somebody else a call and begin this journey today. I made it and I have assisted countless others in their journey too. It is my purpose–how about you?
Compassionate Care is Always Available
There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.
For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry. We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.
May you have good mental health.
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