Obligation – Stay or Go
Are we so entrenched in societal rules that we’ve lost track of our own well-being? For many people, they have married a person because it was the correct thing to do. Then they will remain in the relationship because of the children, and will see the signs that their partner is abusive, but if they ended the relationship what would other people think?
I ask people how long in the relationship did they notice disturbing things about their partner? 90% of people I treat who are going through abusive relationships saw things in their partner that just weren’t right in the first months they were together. Why didn’t they leave? There are various reasons why people tolerate abuse. One being, that they felt this wasn’t really them and they were having a bad day. There is the fantasy of the situation – finally, somebody loves them and they will never find this source of love again.
Hey, I grew up watching Disney movies and from an early age believed that you needed to win the hand of the fair maiden, get married, and then live happily forever after. Well psychologically speaking when two different people partner up, two worlds collide – giving us numerous opportunities for growth, healing, and bonding. This doesn’t mean we need to withstand abuse because that will continue and often the abuse gets worse.
I am a spiritual man. I have a very strong faith in a direct and intimate connection with Our Creator – God. People with strong religious beliefs and strong cultural beliefs often comment that divorce is a sin, and one must tough it out. But withstand abuse? The abuse may not be physical it can also describe where a partner completely dominates the other thus showing children this is normal behavior.
When I won the hand of my fair maiden, it wasn’t happily forever after one bit. I was clueless at first, believing she was like a buddy and I could tell her every intimate detail, and dump all my frustration on her after my day – like I did to my mom. No, this didn’t get the responses I wanted but only led to arguments and fighting. From that point, I realized that relationships weren’t a storybook affair but took a lot of work and I wasn’t prepared for it.
Our family of origin has the biggest impact on our adult relationships. Our family operated like a system and children were trained to be the way the family wanted or there were consequences. The way we communicate, how we interact with outsiders, and the way we handle money, politics, and leisure activities are all influenced by how we were raised. But when a family member strays from the dictates of family, all efforts are made to bring that person back into the fold.
One client tried to commit suicide after his family forbade him from marrying outside of their culture. He broke off his engagement and tried to please the family but felt such remorse he tried to take his life. There are better ways to handle this situation.
People need to follow their hearts and choose their own life path. If that path brings them back to only marrying in their culture, that is their choice. Many people will choose to remain in the fold because it creates less stress for the family but the internal stress will tear at them day in and day out. When a person breaks away from the conditioning of their family, we call it “Individuating.” I was able to withstand the posturing of my family, but did so after going through a lot of therapy. It was hard not to please them or feel I was leaving them by challenging their rules. But I stood strong and eventually my family adjusted. They even adjusted to my following the Seahawks instead of the Rams.
So, how do relationships survive? It boils down to one word: intimacy. With intimacy, communication is the key. When differences show up – and they will – both parties need to talk about the reasoning behind their behaviors from a calm place and bring to light the deeper meanings that are involved.
Why do you believe what you believe? Are they because of the rules of your family? Instead of blindly following them, take an honest look at them, check inside of you, and ask yourself if you believe them to be true or not? Does the man always have the final word? Does the wife have to blindly follow? Should you punish your child by spanking them?
Letting go of the limiting beliefs or unwritten rules that were jammed down my throat by family and society was hard at first. I asked myself if a particular rule was valid. Maybe it once served a purpose but why is my partner reacting each time I acted a certain way? I only asked her what she was going to cook for dinner.
First, agree to talk, then make a commitment to do so from a calm and even loving place. Two people relating makes a relationship. If you refuse to talk about things, that’s when the relationship stagnates and most likely dies.
I often hear couples talk about one dominant partner who dictates how the other person should be. The other, not wanting to make any waves will give in and give up so much self-control that they lose themselves causing illness, frustration, and resentment. When you are not allowed to spend time with your friends or your family you are in a toxic relationship.
Here is where the public consensus can get into the way of reasoning. The rule may be that a person must tough it out to make a good impression on their extended family, friends, and children. It must feel like you are sleeping with the enemy or not sleeping with them at all if you aren’t able to be who you really are.
My relationship woes began with assumptions I had. I assumed my partner was exactly like me and was in agreement with everything I believed. When one fiancé didn’t want to have children, I was shocked! I felt that every woman wanted to have a child. I assumed she would eventually come around to what I wanted and kept pushing her on the issue until she moved out. I sure learned to take to heart what people say.
Some of my old beliefs died hard. But, learning how to amend these “Limiting Beliefs” I was able to change the archaic rules of my ancestors and give them a modern-day tune-up. This saved me hours and hours of being in the Dog House: the name of my sailboat.
Does every woman have to have a child? Every one? No. This is a limiting belief. Does everybody have to listen to what I say? No. This is a limiting belief. They don’t have to do a thing because I can’t control them. We are in control of nothing. Well, with the exception of ourselves. Therapy has helped me release my frustration, seek to understand, and only control myself. I allow people to be who they are – period.
We have all just gone through the most stressful times for couples: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, New Year’s Eve, and most recently Valentine’s Day. How were these holidays for you? All of these bring family and societal rules to the surface. I hate those manipulative commercials and cringe each time a car or jewelry commercial plays. Yes, the pressure society places on us can be relentless.
How do we improve relationships and break free of our conditioning?
As mentioned before – communication. Relationships are based on two (or more) people relating. The number one communication skill is – listening. If you or your partner do not want to listen to each other the relationship will fail.
Self-care. Our relationships are a reflection of how we are with ourselves. Practice self-love and the easiest way to do so is with inner child work. Apply love to the younger part of you that went through difficulty through play and opposite-hand writing. Refer to almost every article that has been written by this writer.
Spend time together. If you are making tasks more important than time with your mate, then you are avoiding not only them but you. My parents were married for 60 years and both stated their success was attributed to being best friends, doing things together, and making each other laugh. Not bad advice.
Praise your partner. How often do you tell your partner what you appreciate about them? “Honey, I love you. I love you because…” Here is another format: “The beauty I see in you is…” Catch your partner doing something right. Make it a priority to view them through the eyes of love. If love cannot be found for your partner, then don’t waste your or their time. Life is too short for that.
Compassionate Care is Always Available
There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.
For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry. We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.
May you have good mental health.
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