Number 6 – Substance Use

Substances alter your ability to think, and react, and give you a false sense of being in control. If there are problems in your relationship substance use is a surefire way to ending it permanently. And yes, substance use may be the only thing a couple may know. Many relationships begin by using substances together, then comes the child, and then the headaches. I know it can be your normal and you have it under control. I used to think this way until partner after partner left me in the lurch. As an experiment, try to sober up for a month together and see the difference. Look, I face people every day who defend their substance use because it is their normal way of being, and without the safety blanket their whole world would be turned upside down. And it will. You owe it to your body, your brain, your relationship, and even your kids to be in the best shape you can be.

            Number 5 – Blaming the Other Person

In order to protect their unresolved issues, people will focus all their own insecurities on their partner. And yes, if you spot it you got it. Instead of wasting your time trying to get your partner to take the blame and them secretly hating you, do yourself a favor and work on your side of the fence. Yes, I know it doesn’t feel good to be wrong, or fail, or look like the screwup, but making them change, saying you’re sorry, or feel bad will not help you feel better. Instead, take the situation as a healing opportunity. See your partner as your mirror, and work on the same dynamic in yourself. 

My father said if you point your finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you. Sigmund Freud called this “Projections.” Like a film projector, we are projecting our bad onto another person – the screen. Do you like when somebody calls you on your shit? Would they like it if you called them on theirs? The interesting point here is, when you point out their issues, you are pointing out your own.

            Number 4 – Committing a Spiritual Bypass (Forgiving Them) 

When we rush to forgive others, we are committing a “Spiritual Bypass.” This is when we bypass healing on the mental and emotional levels in an effort to quickly numb our pain. Somebody does something to us and instead of processing through it, we try to skip forward and just be done with it. 

We devote a lot of time in our program to dealing with bypasses. It seems ludicrous to say: “I forgive you for slapping my face and spitting on me.” Do you? Or, is this how you think things will get better? Well, I hate to break the bad news to you, but it doesn’t get better. If you don’t deal with this, you risk enabling the behavior and might be slapped and spit on again. 

In 1992, during the Rodney King Riots, a truck driver was pulled out of his car and beaten senselessly because he just happened to be white in a black neighborhood. He got brain damage and lost the ability to walk or talk again. During sentencing, his family read a statement forgiving these men.

            Number 3 – Having to Punish Ourselves

When I made a mistake growing up, I was sent to my room, got spanked, and was expected to feel bad about what I did. As an adult, I often treated myself in this same ridiculous way. But, this was how I was trained to deal with mishaps, and began passing it down to my daughter until my partner asked me why I was doing so. 

It is important to understand that we learn through trial and error. When we fall down it is important to get back up, learn from it, and push forward once again. This is how I learned to improve scholastically, in sports, and in other areas of my life. Shoot, I made all the mistakes you could when I first opened this business. I didn’t shame myself, I praised myself for my efforts and for my learnings. Now I know all the things not to do in business.

            Number 2 – Holding on to Resentments

One day my fiance’ told me she remembered something I had done two years before and was still upset about it. I told her it sounded like something I would have done and was grateful I had learned and grown from it.

“I am upset because…”

Look at the above statement. When we focus on the because, it is external, or what we call – in our “Circle of Concern”. We may be concerned about what someone else has done, but we have no impact on changing them – they do. The “Circle of Influence” is simply ourselves. In the above statement, “I am upset because,” the only thing we can work on is our own upset. Talk out your upset in counseling, write out what has upset you, and rip it up. Walk and talk out loud about your frustration and let it go. Apply love to the part inside of you that went through that problem. The person that harmed you is not that person anymore – they have changed but your upset hasn’t. Instead, work on your upset.

It turned out that my fiance’ was caught driving under the influence that day. Go figure.

            Number 1 – Making Rationalizations (Excuses)

Rationalize means rational lies. Instead of making excuses, accept what you have done in order to work on changing yourself. If you yelled at your kids, then admit it, and process through it through journal writing. Here is a rich area for counseling because if the actions of your partner or children upset you, it may be bringing up issues from your childhood.  

            Honorable Mention – Avoidance

Have you ever avoided discussing a problem in hopes it will go away? Well, the mark of a mature relationship is talking about something and then coming up with a mutual solution together. Problems happen, it just comes with the territory. Relationships are not about trying to be perfect because that is just a cover-up. Admit your faults when you are called on them so that you can learn and grow and become a better partner and parent.