A common theme this week has been people trying to discover their own identity. Who am I? Why am I alive? Is there some special purpose for me? Or, am I destined to struggle day in and day out, simply exist, and then die? What is the point? Is there a reason that we are all alive? Deeper thoughts on this post than most. The big question is – do we even have time to ponder why we are even here and what we are to do with this thing that is called existence?

For many who come in for treatment, their day is spent struggling to survive. They must drag themselves out of bed, get cleaned up, get into a vehicle, and try to maneuver around other drivers who are in a hurry to get somewhere, knowing they are already going to be 15 minutes late, so have to take some shortcuts, and God forbid they come up to a slower car in the fast lane. I’m sure you’ve seen those drivers that have to drive up somebody’s butt to get them to drive faster. Then there is punching in on the time clock, seeing you are 12 ½ minutes late, and getting the looks from coworkers as if they are keeping their own chart on your arrival times – and this is before 9:00 am! Then it becomes a battle to make a dent in the to-do pile.

It seems like each day is filled with so much stuff to do, who has the time to think about themselves, their desires, and what makes life worth living? Mostly life is all about putting out the fires. Then it is time to punch out, but we must wait 15 more minutes to qualify for overtime. Only to get behind the steering wheel, head off to the market, and deal with other people who are also trying to play beat the clock. And… What is going on here? Why are we stuck in a life that has these same repeating loops? Is it just so we can pay the bills and hope to someday go on vacation? Vacation from what? The familiar? The rat race? Ourselves?

Is there a point to life at all?

Here is where we have come to in our lives. We work hard in order to survive. In the 1950s it was all about leisure. Here was the growth of amusement parks, timeshares in exotic places in the world, and going on African safaris. Today it takes two incomes to support a family, leaving the kids to fend for themselves, thus the rapid downfall of society. Crime and substance use is up, as well as deaths due to Fentanyl. A sobering fact that my generation never had to face. Shoot, for us, smoking pot was looked down upon. In today’s world, we spend more time on our phone games than interacting with one another. Do people even know how to properly communicate and coexist?

Self-care? That is a laugh. Many have told me that they feel selfish when they take the time to workout or simply take a nap. Nap taking is healthy, but to them, it takes time out of being productive, then when it is time to sleep, they lay awake with thoughts swirling around their head. Of course, this is what happens when we are disconnected from ourselves. If we don’t pay attention to what is going on in our lives, we are destined to think about it and dream about it. 

We are disconnecting from our center. We have separated ourselves from ourselves and focused on others or our distractions.  What tops the list – playing with their phone, getting involved with social media, or calling a friend and complaining about work, friends, world events, or their other relationships. Binge-watching registers high on the list of distractions. Excessive exercising, substance use, involvement with children. Doing, doing doing. Well, what about ourselves?

What about yourself? Do you even have the time to nurture you? If we were to sit in silence and meditate it gets too uncomfortable. All the thoughts that have been pushed down, year upon year, make their way to the surface and wreak havoc! People pleasing is a symptom of this modern world. Perhaps it is because when “they” are pleased, we can find some relief. If “they” are not pleased it drives us crazy because “they” can drive us crazy. So taking care of others becomes the first priority. In caring for others, it tells us that others are more important than we are. Is this true? Do you believe that others are more important? Better? Are more deserving? If so, you have some work to do on you. The last time I looked people were all the same. No one is above or below us. We are all equals.

I am reminded of a homeless man who came into the Mental Health Urgent Care years ago for help. He was filthy, was immediately taken to the shower, given new clothing and I think we had to burn them, due to the odor. When he was given a meal he thanked me and told me that he hadn’t eaten for a few days. Oh, he had recently found money lying on the ground and quickly gave it to another homeless person because he was supposed to give to others and make them happy which made him happy, as for survival – it didn’t register. Shocking but true.

If we don’t care for ourselves we can’t care for others. My graduate school believed it was important to take care of ourselves first, and in doing so we are in a position to give better help to others. This is why therapists have to practice self-care or risk burnout. 

The real issue is how you are with yourself when you go through a difficulty. Enhanced mental health means we need to do whatever we can to help ourselves first, so we have the energy to be there for others. In treating over 8,000 different people and counting, if I weren’t taking proper care of myself, I’d shut down. We burn out when we care take others first, lose ourselves, and make the tasks more important than ourselves. Sound familiar? It should since this is the philosophy of our modern world. But taking care of ourselves is Narcissistic! It is selfish! Yes, if I had a dime for all the times I’ve heard this I could retire. Narcissism is simply people who only think about and care about themselves to the exclusion of others. Does this describe you?

If you really care about others it is extremely important to care for yourself so you can be helpful otherwise you are limiting the amount of help you can provide. Then why does this society look down upon those people who practice great self-care? Is mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health such a bad thing? Often those around us get jealous and put us down when we are showing happiness, joy, and improvements in life. Shoot, even my staff members at the Mental Health Urgent Care made fun of me. “There goes Dr. Scott practicing his love therapy.” Yes, after 11 years of my working there, guess what type of therapy they were all doing? Yep, love therapy.

How can this writer be so loving? Because I have nurtured a relationship with myself. Am I a Narcissist or selfish? To be honest I don’t care about the labels others give me because the only person’s opinion that matters most is my own. People don’t define me – I define me. Oh, I used to care about what others thought, spent all my energy on befriending or defending myself, and at the end of the day hated myself. I was the one to blame if anything went wrong and took it on the chin so my team didn’t have to suffer the consequences. I was so noble. And what a bunch of crap that was. No wonder I was anxious all of the time. I learned to refocus, affirm my wonderful qualities, and share this new and improved self with others. Who did I become? The person I wanted to be.

Who am I? I am who I desire to believe. I want to be happy, healthy, with a kind heart, so that is who I am. You can create who you want to be as well, when you take the time to make yourself the top priority, and move the people who are negative and wear you down out of your life, you have more free time to take care of yourself.

The first step is making the decision to make you the top priority. Next, clean up your own self through exercise, a good diet, making time to relax, and purging out negative thoughts through journal writing and therapy. Then treat yourself like your own best friend and show yourself kindness. Next, share kindness with others. Here marks the start of your own healing journey if you choose. The road can be difficult to walk at first, but once you find your pace, you are good to go. 

I talk to a lot of couples about direction. Here is something that lacks in relationships. It is not uncommon for people to get stuck in the same old same old and do the same things over and over again. Getting couples to talk about their aspirations, and what they want to experience alone and together is so very important. As a person lives their passion, it can positively impact the relationship. What interests do you have and which interests do you share and want to develop together?

Try this:

Jot down the things that you want to experience in your life. Make it good and long then choose which one stands out and do that first. Hawaii? Then Hawaii it is. Break this down into an itinerary, save money in which to go, and then simply go. It can be that easy.

In regards to identity – avoid having people define you. You define you. Who do you want to be? Then be it.

Years ago, I went through a seminar called Insight. It was a personal growth seminar named “The Awakening Heart Seminar.” In it, there was an exercise where two people sat down and faced one another – similar to individual therapy. One person repeated the statement – “What do you want?” over and over again. As the exercise went on, the room began to grow louder – “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” My friend blurted out he wanted to be an artist. His wife blurted out she wanted to be a flight attendant. Well, in a few months, they switched jobs and were living their dream! Life is short and we can make the time to spice it up and stretch our comfort zone. Many avoid going after their dreams because they fear failing. If you are not failing, you are never learning. We learn through trial and error. Risk failing, make adjustments, and continue going after your dreams. I could have quit 100 times in creating my own clinic. Thankfully I had supportive friends and family that rooted me on. I soon realized that I would be the only one stopping me so I continued forward and now have one kick-ass mental health center.

How often are we doing what we feel we have to do? Does anybody really follow their passion? Shoot, it is your life and there is X amount of time left for you. Do you want to continue dreading life or living your passion?