According to the Family Systems Theory, your current relationships are influenced by your family of origin. If you have problems with communication, and closeness, or get frustrated easily, take a look back and see how your family acted while you were growing up. To make a profound change, Family Systems Theory believes that the family system itself needs to change. 

We all are born into a family that has certain ways of interacting and dealing (or not dealing) with problems. Not knowing anything different, we grow up believing that what goes on in our family is how all families are. After years of conditioning, these methods create a blueprint or “system” of how we are to act in life. Then we are exposed to friends, the television, movies, and social media where real life smacks us in the face. Whose rules do we follow? To survive, it is important for us to buy into the family system because if we were to make a stand and buck the system, all the family negativity would be pointed at us. 

Family therapy and individual counseling help people “individuate” or break free of the family conditioning. If a person lacks a defined sense of self, breaking free of the system can be difficult. Therefore, therapists work on bolstering a person’s sense of self in order to withstand the family’s scorn. If all members of the family are willing to take an honest look at themselves and change, then Family Therapy is the best option.

I grew up in a family that was dominated by sarcasm. The put-downs at times were brutal. And if one person showed any weakness, the entire family went for the jugular. I worked hard to break my knee-jerk reaction to being defensive, right, and making the other person wrong. If I were to continue putting others down, I wouldn’t make it one second as a therapist nor have any lasting and intimate relationships. If I were to put my partner down, how is she going to ever trust or love me?

Family therapy is an exploration of the rules of the family and then works to amend them. It bolsters the weaker members and brings accountability to the brutes. It opens up the system to new people and processes and can foster more positivity and love. Breaking free of the negative traits of a family takes effort, though when a group is focused on a goal, amazing breakthroughs can take place.

Murray Bowen, the innovator of Family Systems Therapy created a Genogram with families at the start of treatment. A Genogram is basically a three-generation family tree, depicting everyone in the family, their dynamics, and how they interact with one another. He would track mental illness, substance abuse, abuse in general, legal problems, cheating, and the coalitions that were created. Coalitions can be the parent is very close with one child and abusive with the other.

Next, he wanted to discover how the family interacted while completing the Genogram to see communication styles. Dr. Bowen helped his patients understand the dynamics within the family and once the assessment was completed he worked to adjust the system. 

For the counselor conducting family therapy, it will test your limits – especially if you haven’t worked through your own family issues. What impedes therapy is when the therapist wants people to act a certain way that is familiar to them. When therapists have a hidden agenda, therapy fails. Therapists need to be careful not to lecture or side with a family member – thus getting pulled into the family dynamic. Yes, therapists are people too and it is important for them to continually work on their issues in order to see the dynamics and make the proper interventions according to their particular theoretical orientation.

There are events that heighten the stress level of families and cause the system to fall back on limiting habits. One of these events is when a new person enters the system. For example, when a young adult starts a new relationship or gets married. With such an abrupt change in the normal family system, the fireworks within the system may erupt, thus showing the weaknesses of the family system.

Another stressful event is when new couples move in together. There is an adjustment period in both of these people where the systems of the two families they bring with them – collide! Added to this is the adjustment within their individual family of origin, causing each member of their family heightened stress. Yes, family systems can get a little complex which is probably the reason Dr. Bowen used a Genogram, so he could have a sort of scorecard.

The problem with new couples is the knack for making assumptions. Often, people will assume that their new partner thinks and acts just like their family of origin does but soon reality hits. If both couples can communicate honestly and mediate differences, this will further enhance their bond. Then, add on a new child, and the differing ways of child-rearing rush to the surface. The stress continues with where to go to celebrate the holidays, what religion to follow, or if the toilet seat should be up or down. I always vote for up.

In classic Family Systems, Dr. Bowen assessed if the family system was open – allowing new people and ideas to enter the system, or if it was a closed system in which new people and ideas were blocked. An example is parents discouraging their children from marrying someone who is not from their culture or religion. “No, we only marry our own.”

In family therapy at Basic Steps Mental Health, we start the first family session by going around the room and asking each person to tell us what they want to get out of the therapy. It is important for each person to have their own say and for the therapist or co-therapist to police when a parent or sibling speaks for another member. Family sessions are one of empowerment and right off the bat, it is important for the therapist to note the interpersonal dynamics. The next step is allowing each person to give a commentary on their experiences in the family. Here a therapist must stand by the side of the speaker and block others from negating their story or trying to bully them. Right from the start the system presents itself and the therapist(s) need to be on their toes. 

I am a huge fan of Virginia Satir’s work. She was a pioneer in the field of family therapy. She used to side with the weakest members of the family and help them find their voice. The weakest member is also known as the “Identified Patient” who normally depicts the illness of the family system. Often she would ask the weakest member – “When was the last time your parents had sex?” Immediately the family would react. This was what she was looking for, she tried to elevate the stress level in the system in order for her to see the dysfunction, then worked to change it. 

Therapists must look for projections. Projections are simply people pointing out their own problems in others. “How would you know that the other person is an idiot? Perhaps they are reminding you of yourself?” The therapist may ask.  Also, it is important to point out any Limiting Beliefs or the underlying rules of how members are trained to act. Many of these rules can be outdated and need to be amended. Amending family rules can be a lengthy process and dominate subsequent sessions, but leads to a lot of change. One rule may be men only work and make money while women raise the children and clean the house. Reframing, or amending the rule can lead to a lot of harmony in the family. Amended, the rule can be, that each member regardless of gender, both works, helps raise the children, and does the cleaning. To take it to the next step, why not have every member clean together?

Salvador Minuchin was famous for his method of family therapy where the whole village was involved. He was born in Argentina, a country where everybody was in everybody else’s business. He figured that the whole town was responsible for the upbringing of children, so neighbors, teachers, extended family, and others were invited to attend. Extreme? Not really. Every place in the world has its own customs and ways of handling situations. When a crowd is responsible for the mental health of an individual, why not include them in the treatment?

In some family sessions, it is not uncommon to have two therapists involved. Having a second person helps to see the family dynamics that are often overlooked. Let’s face it, therapists are people, people sometimes get stressed out or triggered in sessions and it can hinder the healing process. The term in Psychology is “Countertransference” which means the counselor is projecting their issues onto somebody else. This isn’t a rare situation and something to monitor within oneself. This is why it is so important for therapists to continually work on their own issues, plus take time for self-care. Therapists need to know their limits. Family sessions can be stressful when you are in a room of A-type personalities hell-bent on being right, and therapists need to avoid getting drawn into the family dynamics. 

One final note is an incredible process that Virginia Satir performed with families called Family Sculpting. This is where the Identified Patient arranges the family into poses that represent how the family interacts. For example, Dad could be placed on top of a chair, flexing his muscles and saying, “I’m the greatest!” Mom can be kneeling at his feet saying, “Yes, master.” Two siblings can be off to the side fighting. “You suck!” “No, you suck!” and a third child could have his back turned away in the corner saying, “I’d rather be playing video games.”

In our groups, without family involvement, participants in the group are asked to depict family members in the above process, and then we let the acting out begin. After a few moments, there is a guttural reaction by all players and the audience. The final process is called debriefing, where everyone in the room talks about their experience and the emotions that came to the surface. This can be quite lengthy. Seeing the dynamics playing out can trigger submerged wounds, so it is important for therapists to do this particular process at a later stage of therapy when individuals are more in tune with themselves.

Intrigued? Let us know if family therapy is something you want to experience at our facility. Family Sculpting is a rare process we use, so let go of that fear. Looking at the family dynamics and changing the whole system can lead to a functional family that shares love and kindness. All I know is that happened to mine.