Things are back in full swing at Basic Steps Mental Health and the popularity of our IOP program has been steadily increasing. Our IOP program is conducted Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday from 9:00 am to noon. What is beautiful about the group experience is that I as a therapist don’t have to work as hard because the group supports and inspires each other.

A new person started this week and as the group ended, they reported that they had learned that their pleasing everybody else caused detriment to themselves. In the group, they learned the importance of “Me Pleasing”.

For 29 years I have been advocating the benefits of Spiritual Psychology – an approach that takes into account the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs of a person. We know about tending to our physical body, but do you know how to tend to your soul? Ponder this: Our problems are a blessing because, through trial and error, we learn. In solving our problems, we grow and grow at the level of the soul.

Dr. Carl Rogers in the 1950s foretold an approach that had its focus on the health of the soul and Spiritual Psychology is that approach. In the group this week, this focus on tending to the soul took the form of this person learning the importance of pleasing themselves.

Do you know how to please others? Do you know how to fix them? We don’t. It’s sad to hear a psychotherapist say they don’t know how to heal a person, but when you get to the real root of healing, it is a person learning how to apply love to their hurt. A therapist can assist them in the process and be supportive, but only when a person is committed to being the ultimate friend or loved one to themselves, true healing can take place.

In doing my own personal work, I learned that I wanted to fix people because if I did, I would be safe. You see, I came from an abusive home and when I was young it was overwhelming here. This got imprinted on me and I worried that other people would treat me like my father did, so I played the clown, the helper made others more important, and suffered panic attacks because no matter what I did, I still didn’t feel safe. I learned through therapy that I needed to tend to my own wounds and in graduate school learned that I needed to show others how to do the same thing.

Basic Steps Mental Health is sort of like a school – though a school like you always wanted it to be. Many have asked me why our concepts are not taught in school. I would have had an easier transition into my adult years if I had learned how to work through depression and anxiety, befriend myself, and live life more heart-centered. If instead of focusing on being right in conversations and “winning” the arguments, I simply needed to listen to the person without defensiveness or judgment, just hear them out and talk about what that brought up in me instead of wanting to be right and more in control. Will this foster love from the other person? No. Learning how to have an open mind and open heart has affected me in incredible ways.

Is me pleasing Narcissistic? Is it selfish? Because we have been trained to treat others the way you want them to treat you, it is natural for us to focus on pleasing others first. But, what if you have nothing in the tank to please them with? We cannot please others if we are not already pleased – meaning, we can’t give away what we do not have. To obtain love, we need to be loving. For peace, be more peaceful. It is an inside-out process, not an outside-in.

When we try to please, or even fix people, how can we know ways to do so? Each person is so different and what pleases one person might not please another. Then we are at a disadvantage. Have you been in a relationship where it feels you can do nothing right? Boy, I sure have. Then it is a stab into the dark to see if your efforts will actually work. However, if you ask a person what they need from you to feel better, then the odds are more in your favor that following through on their request will have more positive results.  

This is why we ask participants to never give advice to others in the group. In doing so, we are demonstrating, “If I were you, I would do…” Well, we are not them. But, in asking them what are their options for fixing the situation, intimacy flows. People talk at a different level when they let down their guard and open up. Trust develops, honesty flows, and we get to meet the real person that is our family member, lover, or friend. This is where we meet you at Basic Steps Mental Health. You are the customer, and it is important for us to understand you and your particular set of needs. Have you truly been heard by others? We do this day in and day out. This kind of listening should have been taught in school.

How do we heal? This should be asked of any potential therapist. Healing isn’t about the techniques used, and the approach taken. Shoot, we know 10 different Psychological approaches and mix and match them constantly to address a particular problem. Though, even using the perfect tool may not work if love isn’t in the mix. Spiritual Psychology is the psychology of love. Is this some free love approach, something that spawned out of the 1960s? I remember not telling anybody about the name of my approach when I was fresh out of college and working at a crisis center. I didn’t think I would be “pleasing them” and they would be judging me. When I let down my guard and presented the tools that I was trained to perform, with confidence and care, and told them with pride about Spiritual Psychology, people began healing – and rapidly.

Choose how you want to live your life – heart-centered or judgmental and into shaming yourself and others. It is your choice. Dr. Carl Rogers developed an approach that was heart-centered where the therapist listened, never gave advice, and simply loved each person he interacted with. That my friend is real therapy, real healing, because it provides each person the faith that they are a worthy person, they can handle their situation, and above all thrive if they were to treat themselves in that same manner. Have you shown real love to yourself recently? Ponder this. Real love means following through on commitments. Keeping your word to yourself and praising yourself for a job well done. That is not being selfish or narcissistic because of the fact that when we do this to ourselves, it is natural to do this to other people.

One person that has been having a hellish experience learned this past week to be a me-pleaser. How incredible is that? Give it a try. It is not fattening, illegal, or immoral, it just feels good.