Conscious Relationships

I guess if you’ve made all the mistakes in relationships, you would be a good guide for people that are struggling. Almost marrying four times, living with partners for years, and raising a child have given me an interesting perspective on couple’s therapy. I’ve learned that there are four major elements in making a relationship successful, or in my case – manageable.

Communication – 

If two people aren’t relating, it doesn’t make it a relationship. Finding methods to communicate where each person can hear the other is the key.

The most important communication skill is “Listening”. Honesty comes in at a close second. If we are not listening, then we can not properly respond. When somebody is communicating something to you, it is important to them. If you don’t want to hear what they are saying, then this is not a functional partnership. Listen to what your partner is telling you and then repeat back what you heard. It is really that simple. For example,

“Honey, I heard you say that I am worthless, and am not doing anything to contribute to this household, is that correct?”

I know that is an extreme example but actually, if somebody is being harsh to you and you repeat back their words, it shows them how negative they are being. The key to dealing with somebody that is upset is to try to remain as calm as possible, it is very disarming.

Silence is also a key. Let the person talk. This is important.

“Seek to understand before being understood.” Steven Covey.

Listening is loving, it is really that simple. When we are silent, it gives a person permission to communicate. If we allow them to get in touch with deeper parts within themselves, this is the cornerstone of “conscious relationships.”

Anger Management –

Yes, we are all humans and humans get moody. What is underneath anger is hurt. When you or your partner are angry, something underneath the surface got triggered. Learning how to address the hurt is what therapy is all about.

Anger is part of every relationship and how you handle anger will either make you closer or blow out the partnership. The first step is to check inside. On a scale of 1 to 10, how are you feeling? If you are at a 10, it is difficult to think clearly and you will need to calm yourself down. If you don’t, more than likely you will blurt out something you will later regret.

Ask each other what number you are at and if above a 5, take a 15-minute break, walk around, drink some water, and wash your hands and face, then reconvene. If still upset, take another 15. Then, from a calm place, it is easier to communicate more effectively.  

Heart-centered communication is the key. Take in a deep breath, exhale, and center yourself in your loving heart. From a heart-centered place, the message sent is often received.

Financial –

This is a big issue in relationships. Be honest about your financial situation. Plus, speak your truth. If your partner is not keeping up their side of the bargain, talk about it. If you hold this in, resentments can show up and blow out the relationship.

Many people lock into a mode in which they have to get the fine jewelry, the fine home, the fine car, and the exotic trip. Debt then becomes a big problem that can end a great partnership. Be realistic. Do you need that fine home? Do you have to own a new car? Relationships that are founded on impressing the wife are wrought with resentments. Map out a budget, talk about what is comfortable to save, and a plan to pay off credit card debt. In Conscious relationships, money matters are openly discussed and worked on together.  

Direction –

“If we fail to plan, we plan to fail.” I think this is a Benjamin Franklin quote. Without direction in a relationship, it is easy to sputter and die. Make plans for vacations, parties, entertainment, and bridge subjects like, “Where do you see us in 5 or 10 years? You’d be surprised what would make your partner happy.

 Now, these are just the basics. I always encourage people to go through couple’s counseling in order to talk about sensitive subjects that can be difficult to discuss. Being in a relationship is stressful because there are so many factors that push and pull you together and apart.

1. Family of origin.

We bring with us all the dynamics of our early years. You may “make-believe” your family hasn’t affected you, but you’d be wrong.

2. Gender and Ethic issues.

You may think that you are sensitive to your partner’s point of reference, but men and women have been socialized differently. Add on, if you or your partner are from different cultures. If you are from this country the influence is often on individualistic endeavors. In other cultures, the focus can be on the family as a unit. In that case, it isn’t me, but a “we” mentality. Learning how to adjust to cultural and gender issues can be of great importance and create incredible bonding.

Last thought –

What caused me the most problems was buying into the cultural norms. For example, if you were dating somebody for a few months, suddenly you needed to ask if they wanted to be your “girlfriend”. Then after a few more months, it felt like you had to ask if they would marry you, then the wedding, the home, the everything. I eventually blew that whole cycle up. I asked people to marry me because I thought it was my duty and it wasn’t out of love. I liked being around them period. Some of them I never saw as marriage material but tried hard to do so because I thought I had to. This put such a strain on our relationship. It is simpler to simply enjoy one another. How great is it to spend time with a person you enjoy? Do we have to put a label on that? Do we have to put a ring on top of that too? Share love. That’s the most important thing bottom line.

Compassionate Care is Always Available

There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.

For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry.  We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.

May you have good mental health.