Out with the Old

Happy New Year to you. It’s time to purge out the old and start anew. Well at least that is the tradition – but why should this only be highlighted in the new year. This could be a daily habit if you think about it. You know, discovering what no longer serves you in your life and remedying it. This is the foundation of therapy. What do you want out of your life? Resentments? Harsh feelings – both towards yourself and others? How about guilt and shame? Shoot, I just cleaned out my closet and donated the clothing – does this count? In continually taking inventory of our life and seeing what no longer works, it increases the odds of a healthy happy existence.

As I embark on my 27^th year as a therapist, it gives me an opportunity to look at my life, the changing trends in therapy, and to ask myself what I would like to see in my practice. I recently moved out of my old office and am now into something new that is more comfortable, smaller, and suites our needs much better. It took a lot of effort for this change and in the process found out a lot about myself and made some changes.

I think being a man has had one disadvantage – making it difficult to ask for help. Men tend to be fixers and it is easier to just do things instead of getting bogged down in the planning of it. Well, at least this man has been that way. Since it was such a big undertaking I broke down, asked for help, and actually had fun interacting with others who were happy to lend support. Plus, the pizza I provided sure didn’t hurt things – to say the least.

For many that come in for treatment, change is harder because they lack many of the tools I have been using for decades. It is exciting for me to share the tools and the know-how because I know how much they impacted me and the countless people I have treated.  

The group topic today was “Out with the Old and on with the new”. The old mindsets can be locked into place for years and they don’t naturally go away on their own. Even after learning some tools, for many, they will use the tools a few times, maybe experience some results, then realizing it is hard work, and return to business as usual – thus locking in the limiting old pattern. Now comes the rationalization and the games with oneself all in an effort to minimize the damage, but the damage gets worse, and so does the shame and guilt.

I think what motivates me is my own history with substance abuse and anxiety. Even after I got that in check, I was with my fiancé who struggled with drinking. Her rationalizations and denial of how severe it was reminded me of myself. I had to let go of trying to fix her and eventually left the relationship only to recently discover that she died from alcoholism a few weeks ago. Sobering experience when what you are trying to treat also affects the lives of people you love.

Not wanting this experience again, and my motivation renewed to help out others, the group got pretty involved with the topic. Group therapy, if you have never attended it, is a wonderful format for like-minded people to share their thoughts and feelings about a subject, support each other with new thought patterns and new behaviors, and more or less push each other to achieve what would be hard individually. On our own, we normally go so far, but with a group, the few extra steps may lead to incredible realizations, growth, and inspiration.

The common theme for change became an effort. Yes, it takes effort to change and all reported their gratitude for people in the group being there for them. I tried to get my ex involved in my early groups, but she only laughed that she could probably teach the course and that she was fine. She was 60 years old when she passed.

Statistically, group therapy has better success rates. Still, it is not for everybody. Especially if you find yourself trying to fix or please other people. In being your own person and listening to yourself, then you can be a part of the group, but not swayed by it.

27 years and a ton of groups. This is not to mention family sessions which is another beast in itself. Multiply the stress of a group by 50 and that is family therapy to me. And I love it. For any therapist working with families, they know how challenging this is, but I seek a challenge because it helps me grow.

When I was in school, one of the first assignments we had was to write out why we wanted to be a counselor. It was obvious at the time that I wanted to heal people. When I got the paperback I was shocked. The comment read, you won’t be able to do so. I soon learned that as a counselor the number one priority was healing yourself. This was the only thing I could control. We cannot control another person, manipulate them, or heal them. That is because it is their job. But what we worked on in my four years at the university was how to heal ourselves. This is why I have so much empathy for new clients undergoing treatment for the first time. It can be a bit scary because you are looking at parts of yourself that you would rather not.

So after 27 years, I realized I am not a counselor but a self-healer and sharing my experiences in doing that with others. The premise in my school was that you couldn’t help anybody if you were suffering internally. How could we give something away that we didn’t have? So for four years there, and ongoing in my career, the number one priority was working through my own stuff.

Then somebody in today’s group asked me what helped me heal initially. This took me back to a time 25 years ago when I was going through counseling, attending school, and learning the basics of Spiritual Psychology. Honestly, I said, it started with me befriending myself. According to Spiritual Psychology, the real issue is how you are with yourself. For so long I played the clown and entertainer in order for people to love me because I didn’t know how to do so myself. Or, to be honest, I wasn’t allowed to love myself because that was just plain wrong according to society. It was deemed selfish or narcissistic. But I learned that if I didn’t learn to love myself, nobody would. That’s probably why I was not in relationships much back then. I told the person that I learned to focus on winning my heart and avoided focusing on others because when I did I lost. In all actuality, I lost myself.

What a strange period it was going to school, learning this approach and all the while working. I worked at a production company making T.V. commercials at this time. One day I was introduced to a friend of a friend. She was single, so was I and our mutual friends thought we would make a good match. Me, mister anxiety, trying to please and heal the world, and her, was just another disappointment ready to happen. So we met in my office for a lunch date and when the woman walked into the front door I was shocked! She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. No lie. She was a Silver Bullet girl for Coors Light and on national television like every two minutes. What the hell was she doing with a person like me? I was a geek! Knowing that I couldn’t impress her with my status at work, being the struggling businessman I was, I did the only thing I could – repeat my personal affirmation over and over in my head to remind me that I was – “a positive, caring, and loving man, sharing my gifts with the world” – or something similar. Oh, you would be impressed on how I worked that statement in my mind – only hoping that she would not see me as the loser I was and only focus on these good qualities.

For six months we laughed, did fun things, and the playful me came out. We had a blast! Just because I refused to play the geek and the one that was less than. This was when I changed. I focused on the goodness of who I was and learned to let go of the lesser me of the past that was stupid and got me into trouble. Today I love that younger me because I used the mistakes to learn and grow from and be who I am today – a man 27 years in the industry who down deep is a geek but uses his positive statement to convince himself otherwise – well, there is really much more to me, but I have made peace with myself.  

Compassionate Care is Always Available

There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.

For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry.  We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.

May you have good mental health.