Thirty-two years. That’s how long I have been in this industry. It is hard to believe I lasted so long. You either sink or swim. I remember being fired for healing the clients too quickly at one facility in Malibu. Strange but true. Fortunately, it inspired me, and I vowed to open up my own residential treatment facility that, instead of blaming the clients for relapsing, I took an honest look at myself, made changes in the program, and had incredible success. In running my own facility, I realized that clients are the authority of themselves, and it is important to look at life through their eyes. This has been eye-opening—especially when I can step out of my position and see things from their perspective.

Overall, I am curious about life and want to learn about it in as many different ways as possible. Each day can be a learning opportunity, and I learn through client sessions, continuing education, going to psychological seminars, and talking with other professionals. When I entered this field, I worked at a 12-Step facility where I witnessed a lot of relapse. It was tough on me—to be honest. I am the kind that creates a loving bond with clients where I truly care. But when these people continued relapsing, I vowed to continue my education and find the cure (if there was one), and understood that education was the key. My first life lesson was learning from my own mistakes.

If crying is a mistake, then a few days ago, I was crying non-stop in session. My client was stuck and had been for weeks. Then a story came to mind from the book “Chicken Soup for the Soul.” I told my client the story, which was about a man who lost his leg, went into a dark depression, and worked with an art therapist to express his feelings. All he drew were dark pictures of a man with one leg. It took him months, but he improved, began volunteering at the hospital, and took a woman under his wing who had her breasts removed and was displaying the same depression. He tried art and music; then, in desperation, he turned on some music, took off his leg, and began dancing around her room. She laughed and told him that if he could live without a leg, she could live without her breasts. The art therapist found his artwork and brought it to him. He looked at them, grabbed a yellow marker, and began to color it. The therapist asked him what he was doing, and he told her, “This is where my light now shines.” This story gave life to the sorrow I was picking up from my current client, and I couldn’t stop my tears. I kept thinking that my crying was wrong, but I am human. I feel that therapists should be genuine, and if something moves you, it is okay to cry. My second life lesson is to be genuine.

I think it is very important to stay within your knowledge base. They call this staying within your scope of practice. There is one slogan that runs me every single day at work: “When love is applied to hurt, we heal.” Since we cannot think our way out of an emotional wound, we have to process our way through it. Riding an emotional reaction back in time to where it began and applying love to the younger part inside of you that went through that experience is miraculous! For 32 years, I have shown clients how to do this, written books about it, and freaked my university out when I wrote my doctoral dissertation about it. Today, this remains the most powerful part of my practice.

Addressing our emotions through physical exercise, diet, or ways to think differently will not heal our emotions; they need to be processed emotionally. There are many tools to use to address emotional hurt, one being opposite-hand writing, where you write out a conversation on paper with your younger self. Your dominant hand represents you now, and the opposite hand represents the younger you. The key is to write out a conversation, using your hands in this manner, where your older self applies love to your tortured inner self. Let this younger you talk to you. Listen to them as they release, from locked doors, their pain. Next, lovingly interact with them. “I really hear how this was upsetting to you, younger me. What can I do to help you feel better?” And how loving is this? Nobody can do this for you except you. “I need a hug,” your younger self may say. So, give yourself a hug. My third life lesson is to stay within your scope of expertise.

Psychology is the science of relationships. How is yours? If you find that your partner is upset, what do you normally do? Pause and ask yourself how you are feeling. If you are blaming yourself, you have a wonderful opportunity to reconnect with yourself. Since our relationships are a reflection of our relationship with ourself, then it will clue you in to the fact that you need a little work on self-improvement. Do we do this? No. The old me would feel my shame and work overtime to fix them. I would say to them, “You need to do this, that, and the other thing.” Do they? Who elected me God? My playing God to them was allowing me to handle my own anxiety externally. Will I have any success in doing this? No. You are not them, and it is important for them to help themselves. This will empower them. On the flip side, it is an opportunity for you to work on you.

Stephen Covey wrote, “The only person you can influence is yourself.” If you try to fix someone, you risk being a bully. They have chosen to be upset, so let them have the dignity of their own process. Make it okay for them to be angry, anxious, or depressed if they are choosing it. I can ask them if they need anything from me. This will empower them to search for their own solutions. When they ask you to help, they give their permission for you to get involved, and I will do my 100%. But inflicting myself on them is intrusive, and they may react. I’ve learned this too many times. If I tell someone what they should do, it is me saying, “If I were you, I would do x, y, and z.” But I am not them. What works for me is not guaranteed to work for them. Here is where most relationship problems come from. When one partner is dominated by the other partner, it breeds discontent. Why do you think they are sleeping in the other room and not wanting to have sex with you?

The first step in working with couples is to ask them to only be responsible for themselves. This can be difficult. It was hard for me to see my partner suffering, and all I wanted to do was fix them. Learning how to tolerate your own anxiety can be the key. They are choosing the sadness, so allow them the dignity to experience it. This can be a great time for you to use tools on yourself to minimize your own upset. “My wife is upset; therefore, I need to be upset.” Where is the logic in this? And that is my fourth life lesson—allow people the dignity of their own process. And yes, this is their process.

I have learned to practice what I preach. If I am educating a person or a group on a particular subject or therapy tool, it is important for me to be familiar with it. I am the type who likes to get into the trenches with someone. For example, when they are first learning Opposite-Hand Writing, I need to walk them through the process. Let’s face it—this is something new and different. Stepping them through the process is loving. I often hear people complain about the treatment they went through as a child with their parents. One the other day said their father used to tell them to figure it out, that they should know. Well, obviously, they didn’t, and how were they to know at five years old? They weren’t an adult in a child’s suit. I read one report that said children heard 200 no’s to one yes. “No, Scott, don’t do that.” So I knew what not to do, but still didn’t know what I needed to do. So my fifth lesson is to explain something fully, regardless of whether I told the person 30 times before.

And that was how it was for me when I was working with young adults suffering from a Learning Disorder. Often, the message sent was not received. Did I blame them? I used to, at first, but as I took a look at myself and vowed not to blame the person, I found 30 ways (or more) to explain the same thing. I was lucky if they did understand, but it still didn’t stop me from trying to teach and help them learn. I guess I am stubborn. And no, being stubborn isn’t my sixth lesson. My sixth lesson is simple—communicate from the heart.

In order for a message to be sent and received, the odds improve if the communication is gentle and easy. If I am not in a good place, I will ask for time, go to the bathroom, wash my face and hands, and recenter myself. Then I will go back into the fray and try to be heart-centered. If I can’t, I will ask for more time. Why is this important? Because when we are angry, we cannot think clearly and often will blurt out something we will later regret. Calm yourself down first. Try to be at ease. Your relationship has better odds of improving if you are communicating from your heart.

The next life lesson is taking care of yourself first. This was very difficult to change for me. I was taught to follow the Golden Rule: “Do unto others the way you want them to do unto you.” I gave them my all and had nothing left for me. Did they return the favor? Hell no! It is important to take care of yourself first, fill up your battery, and then share that supply with others. Exercise daily, eat healthy food, hydrate, and get adequate sleep. Once you are cared for, you have more juice to help others. Life lesson seven—take care of yourself first, and after doing so, you can choose to take care of others.

In this industry, burnout is a real thing. I have treated enough therapists and doctors to prove this to be true. The majority of these people were trying to earn their worth. Our worth is not found outside ourselves by healing the hordes. Our worth is in how long we can stay centered in our loving heart. Look at your relationship. What is the state of it? Now look at you. Is your relationship just like the relationship you have within?

My next life lesson for myself is to always set goals. A goal may be to travel somewhere, play music at an open mic night, or kayak to an island 10 miles off the California coast, as I did a few years ago. Without something to live for, life, to me, is boring. I am not the sort to watch TV or be lazy at home. I didn’t say I don’t do those things, but it comes down to balance. I need to let the adventurer in me have its expression. Now, this may not be a rule for you. Many people are wired differently and love being at home. I am just curious and have learned that when I put my effort into something, amazing things tend to follow. Maybe this lesson is to keep dreaming or stay involved in life? “If we fail to plan, we plan to fail.” —Unknown

My father asked me why I had two ears and one mouth. He told me I needed to listen twice as much as I spoke. This rule has really helped me in life. In the past, I never listened to others. While they talked, I formulated my responses. It is different now. Seeking to understand before being understood is my ninth life lesson. In listening to somebody, I am honoring them. The mere fact that they are communicating means their information is important. In using “perception checking,” you repeat back to them what you hear. “So, what I am hearing you say is that I am selfish, don’t give a shit about your opinion, never listen to you, and am a pig. Is that right?” In this example, the person just needed to vent. I have learned that when I remain centered in my loving heart, eventually the person will calm down and join me at that place.

To be honest, I could write out 50 life lessons and more. It has been important for me to be a student of life. I have learned that if I solve a problem of mine, I improve and don’t have to deal with that thing again. Though sometimes I will, but I am confident I can get through it again. Life is all about trial and error. Eventually, the solution will show up, and I celebrate it.

One thing that amuses me is my ability to praise myself. “Great job, Scott!” And no, this isn’t narcissistic because I care too much for others. This life has been a test on some level, and when I finish a hard report for the court, or as I did recently, go through a State Audit of my charts, like they do every three years, when I completed all the tasks of the audit, I celebrated!