Relationships take a lot of work to keep alive, fresh, and upbeat. You would think that falling in love was all that is needed, but to be honest, when two people connect, they bring with them their doubts, fears, and unresolved issues. Maneuvering through this can bring heartache if one doesn’t know the proper tools. For myself, relationships are complex. Since I have made all of the mistakes and somehow managed to overcome them, let me share some practical tools and clinical approaches that may be of help. Who knows—maybe what you learn in this article can set things right in your current relationship.

Problems in life have deep roots in childhood. We drag with us all of our past hurt and trauma, which can color the way we think and feel. The conditioning of our family plays a major role in how we interact in our intimate relationships. If your family liked to argue, put people down, and try to be right all the time, you will tend to be the same way. Would you rather be right than be loving? I lost a lot of great relationships because I thought relationships were about competition instead of cooperation. Culture plays a big part in how we do relationships as well. Add a child, which brings with it a whole new set of circumstances. How should the child be raised? Where do you celebrate holidays and other important milestones? Whose religion? How do you discipline the child? Or do you want to have children at all? These are all stressful topics that need to be discussed, since relationships are two people relating. Unfortunately, nobody wants to talk about uncomfortable topics, but in relationships, you need to discuss it all.

If you find yourself trying to please or even fix your partner, it will eventually spell doom. According to Stephen Covey, who wrote The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, our “circle of influence” is only ourselves. We can please and fix ourselves because we have 100% control over ourselves. Others are in the “circle of concern.” We are concerned about them, but have no control. Yeah, winning the hand of the fair maiden is a fairy tale. If they are interested in you, it is because of you and your qualities. Therefore, to keep a relationship strong, working in your circle of influence will keep you attractive and desirable. Stay within your lane, or what I tell my groups—only work on your side of the fence.

How can you love someone if you don’t love you? You cannot give away what you don’t have. And it is interesting, I am sure, to read something about relationships that emphasizes your relationship with you. No, there is no magical thing to say or do to make them feel better or fall more deeply in love with you; the foundation of healthy relationships is the act of falling deeper and deeper in love with yourself. Now comes the challenge—are you willing to work on you? Many don’t even know themselves. Getting caught up in caring for the children and having to meet the demands of a complaining partner can cause us to forget about ourselves. If you don’t know yourself, then those moments in the day when the kids are away, the partner is asleep, and you are stuck with you can be terrorizing. In the silence and boredom, you are there with you. What do you do?

Many people indulge in addictive habits to avoid dealing with themselves. Somehow, these people find their way into our intensive outpatient program. Substances, food, shopping, and gambling—these distractions only make matters worse. One woman told me she would rather die than address her inner hurt. That seemed a bit extreme to me, but this was the reason she delayed counseling for years: the mere fact that she would have to face herself.

Whether you are in counseling or not, unresolved issues naturally come to the surface to be healed. Numbing them out only delays the healing process and delays a more functional relationship with yourself. The natural tendency is to blame your partner for making you feel bad; however, they aren’t making you feel bad—you are. Clinically speaking, a situation goes through your filter, and you quickly decide whether that situation is good or bad. If it is bad, you react, and that reaction will demonstrate to us professionals how severe your internal wounds are.

Do you find yourself dictating how others should be? That is another deterrent to loving relationships. People must be this way, do that, they ought to… they must. Who elected you God? Is your way the way? If you think this way of thinking is true, then what is the state of your current relationship? And why don’t they sleep with you at night? Haven’t you noticed that if you make yourself right, you are making the other person wrong? Try instead to let go of being right and find common ground. To do this, we recommend remaining centered in your loving heart.

Have you tried to stay in your loving heart? What does that mean? Many don’t trust love because it has been used as a weapon against them. However, we all come from love. Life stems from it. Love makes our heart sing, and there is a glow that permeates from us when it appears. If you haven’t fully experienced love, then imagine you are holding a young child, a kitten, or a puppy. Imagine being in a beautiful place in nature while holding the hand of someone you love. See how long you can hold onto love. This challenge can be hard at first, but it can be developed. Sixteen hours was my longest love meditation, which took me through work, through dinner, and well into the night because I chose to hold onto the loving feeling in whatever I was doing—walking, breathing, driving, eating. This mindfulness exercise can bring you better health, more stamina, and more love from others. It’s basically describing the law of attraction. Your current feelings will attract the same from others. So, Miss Grumpy, check out how this grumpiness affects others in your life.

For you intellectual types, when you lead with your mind, things tend to screw up. Relationships aren’t just about the way you think; they are mostly about the way you feel. Does this mean only feel good? No. Bring into your relationship all of you. Be genuine. Trying to hide the bad will only build up pressure, and eventually it will spill out. This is why alcohol is such a bad idea in relationships. It decays the layer of protection and causes you to blurt out things from your subconscious that you will later regret. This is why working on the issues of your past is so critical when it comes to improving your relationship. All of that hidden stuff will eventually work its way out, and if you use the proper tools, you can stay ahead of the game. If not, then you are destined to keep poisoning the relationship.

The majority of couples that we treat focus on what the other person is doing incorrectly. The interesting thing is this can lead you to incredible depths of healing if you are willing to own the projection. Projections are basically looking at others as a reflection of us. We say each person is a mirror to us. If you feel they are a fool, then how are you, too, a fool? Once you own it, then you can do something about it through “Intention Setting.” “My intention is to be more wise.” This example shows the opposite of being a fool is being wise.

A “Conscious Relationship” is each person taking action to heal themselves—meaning looking at projections, addressing unresolved hurt from the past, communicating about the struggles and triumphs of the day, and surrounding themselves with love. You aren’t there to fix your partner—how can you fix another person when you aren’t healed yourself? When you consciously work on you, you have more ability to love your partner.

My partner, years ago, asked me if I had ever given my heart to a woman before. I had to think about that because, at this stage of my development, women were like play toys to me. I admit it—I am not proud of that fact—but I saw each partner as a possession for my pleasure. When I told her I hadn’t, she wanted to end the relationship right then. What I told her was that she was much different than the others, and I was willing to give my heart fully to her. We had a great 10-year run and are still very close 20 years later.

When we connect to another person, our hormones go wild. Logic tends to get thrown out the window, and if they are abusive, it doesn’t matter. To you, they can do no wrong. My grandmother called this the honeymoon phase. But when that fades, and all the warts start to show, my grandmother felt that if you still cared about them, then it was a good relationship. But no—people will continue to show their true colors, and if you refuse to communicate about it and process through it, you are putting your stamp of approval on their behavior, keeping the relationship out of balance.

Conscious relationships look at our own imbalance and the importance of working through it. In doing so, it provides tremendous opportunities for deep intimacy and love. You can now see that the person you are having the real relationship with is you. Sure, they may do something inappropriate, but your reaction is for you to process through. If your partner continues to be inappropriate, ask yourself why you still remain. Are you willing to talk about it with them? When we center ourselves in our loving heart, we can talk about the difficult issues in relationships. I have learned to first butter up my partner. “Sweetheart, I have wanted to ask you about something for a while that has bothered me. I know our relationship is really strong, and we can get through this because we have dealt with stuff much worse.” This statement helps to keep me in a good space, but I will continually gauge how she is reacting. “Can we talk about this now?” is always my next question. If no, then I will ask when is a good time. Avoiding things that are dangling in the air brings more anxiety, so the sooner the better. “No. Well, how about in half an hour?” Yeah, I am that guy. But again, if she says no, I don’t push it. In time, when both are willing, talk about your side of the issue. In a recent argument—though I use the word argument loosely—I told my partner (avoiding the word you, which is a no-no when it comes to disagreements), “This evening, we were about to sit down to watch a movie, and the dog was taken out. Two hours later, you came back.” In the past, I would have been angry and put my partner on the defensive. She told me that after a long walk, she decided to pick up a few things at the market and forgot about our movie. A huge argument and days of the silent treatment were avoided.

How often do you praise your partner and tell them how much you appreciate them? How often do you give them the silent treatment after they hurt you? How often do you talk to them about some problem committed in the past? If you find yourself focused on the negatives in your partner, take the time to clean out your own negatives. What helps me is to write the person who upset me a letter and then I’ll rip it up. Going for a walk and talking out loud about my frustration also helps. In other articles, reparenting exercises were discussed, which help address our younger self who may have come to the surface and is in need of being healed. This is the ultimate way toward issue resolution, but we’ve run out of space to discuss the details of that approach.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and may your relationship with yourself and others shine.