It had been 15 years since I was reunited with my paperwork from school. Like an ancient treasure that I vaguely remembered, all of the handouts we used at the University of Santa Monica lay before my grubby hands! I was over the moon with excitement because what lay before me changed me from a little boy to a man!

I had a vacation home in the desert outside of Joshua Tree National Park and thought I’d never return. My ex had purchased the property; my job at that time was to fix it up, and when we parted, there went my sanctuary. Well, that was at least what I thought. When my daughter decided to move in there permanently and asked me to help fix the place up, I was ecstatic—then a box of my belongings was handed to me upon arrival.

The majority of the knowledge from the university is found in our IOP and PHP programs and is often used in the other sessions we provide. The one that stood out the most is included here. Originally, it was entitled the “7 Steps of Issue Resolution,” and when I read through it, I was disappointed. I guess the student outgrew the teacher, and to be honest, it often goes this way.

Basic Steps is conducted like a psychology school: handouts are given, information is passed on, all in the hopes that what is presented will be incorporated into a person’s daily life. “Use it or lose it,” I tend to repeat to myself, and in order to teach this stuff, I have to live it.

What is the purpose of this article? It is to show you the basic approaches that are needed to process through a problem. At the University, they went so far as to say healing an issue for the last time! You may think it is important to think your way out of a problem, to find that particular solution, but to be honest, in order to fully heal something, you need to address it on the emotional level. To put it plainly, you cannot outthink an emotional wound.

So, Drs. Ron and Mary Hulnick—excuse me for changing your curriculum and expanding it a bit—at this point, I have seen over 10,000 different clients and can’t even count the number of sessions I have had, so I humbly ask you to consider the following steps to help people get their desired effect.

The Steps:

1. Center Yourself in Your Loving Heart

This is an interesting first step. Since psychology is the science of relationships, the most important item in relationships is communication in a loving manner. Attacks or directing someone to do something injure relationships; therefore, conducting interactions from a heart-centered level ensures that the messages sent are received.

Since relationships mirror the relationship we have with ourselves, if we tend to beat ourselves up, it is natural to treat others in the same manner. Be kind to yourself as you work through the difficulties of the past, or focus on the action steps you need to take for the future.

2. Set Clear and Positive Intentions

Intentions are basically goals. What is your goal for the interaction? For example: “My intention is to heal at the deepest level,” or, “My intention is to be gentle with myself.”

I remember lying all the time. I wanted to prove my worth by telling outrageous stories of my antics, which were all untrue. I played semi-pro baseball; I’d give myself a grade of a B- at best, but the stories of last-inning grand slams, amazing diving catches, and baseballs hit out of sight were all fabricated. To stop this habit, I had to recite my intentions on the hour for a couple of weeks. Basically, old habits die hard, but it worked. Now I tell people how almost great I was.

3. Invoke Your Inner Counselor

The Inner Counselor is basically your inner voice. We students at the university worked hard on creating that inner voice that we talked to in the midst of a session. It was that part of us that was very wise, and while having a counseling session, if you were triggered by what a client was talking about (instead of attacking or lecturing the client, which is natural to do if your own issue was triggered), you would talk within yourself and hash things out.

The Inner Counselor here refers to a person having difficult inner conversations with that wise part and finding creative solutions. For example:

You: Hey, Inner Counselor, how should I deal with that asshole at work?

Inner Counselor: Let’s imagine that person is seated in the empty chair next to you. What do you want to say to the chair?

Note: The Inner Counselor is basically you as the counselor, using counselor intervention tools. A lot of times, my Inner Counselor tells me to shut up, listen to the person, and take a moment to absorb what they are saying.

4. Ask for Spirit’s Assistance

For those who have no belief in God, Jesus, or any figureheads of a religion, this may be a stretch for you. In reading the book The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav, I was exposed to what he termed the “Unseen Guides and Teachers” that are supporting us on the spiritual level. I tend to think of this as the Holy Ghost. When messages come to mind, where are they coming from? In being willing to let in this information, inspiration can be found.

I have one story. I was clueless about what to bring to a hospice facility to see one of my best friends for the last time. A thought came in to bring my guitar. I had no motivation to do so, but I stayed true to that inner voice, and when I did, that evening became magical. My friend came out of a coma while I was playing, lifted his head up, grinned at me, and two days later transitioned.

5. Ride an Issue Back

According to Object Relations Therapy, all mental illness has its roots in early childhood experiences. According to the University of Santa Monica, when love is applied to hurt, we heal. To take this to a further depth, when we heal an issue at the root, all similar issues are healed. Treating an issue at the root is what sets Spiritual Psychology in a league of its own. To take this to a deeper level, it is imperative that we create a relationship with our youngest self to continually work through the dark issues of our past so we don’t recreate them—due to familiarity.

6. When Love Is Applied to Hurt, We Heal.

The real issue is how you are with yourself as you address an issue. Can you show compassion to the younger part of you that did some brain-dead things? If so, healing can be found because you cannot beat yourself up enough to make things better. Or, you can’t find the Light through the darkness. Be gentle with yourself as you address the demons of your past.

7. The Empty Chair

Since Gestalt Therapy is my number-one healing method, of course that approach will be included in this list. Imagine a person—or your younger self—is in that empty chair. Then open up to the chair and be honest with it. Move back and forth and hash things out. Let it go.

8. Address the Judgments

After the empty chair conversation is completed, view all the judgments you had toward that person—or even yourself. List them out and process them.

9. Own and Accept Projections

When the judgments are toward another person, take an honest look at each judgment and agree that you, too, do the same thing. For example: “I judge Dad as cold-hearted; I can now see that I can be that way too. My intention going forward is to be warm-hearted.”

With psychology, the aim is not to make the other person change, because we have no direct effect on them. But we can affect ourselves. Be the change you want to see in them. If you want them to be more loving, be more loving.

10. Use Self-Forgiveness

Note: After you have looked at an issue mentally (judgments) and emotionally (through the empty chair), now the fun begins—let it go. When you learn from something, leave it in the past. Self-forgiveness is the tool to use once the processing has finished.

“I forgive myself for judging myself as broken, and the truth is, I am whole.”

“I forgive myself for judging Dad as cold-hearted, and the truth is, he was doing the best he could.”

Be warned: if you use self-forgiveness too soon, you risk a spiritual bypass, where you bypass healing an issue on the mental and emotional levels.

11. Reframe Limiting Beliefs

If any other judgments are present, take a look at the rules they may be coming from. This is a creative tool that examines the concrete rules underlying the judgments we make. For example: “All people must be loving.” This may seem right, but since we cannot control another person, holding onto this belief would fill us each day with misery. Instead of “all people must,” reframe it to: “I choose to be loving, and others are doing what they do.” This will help you break the habit of trying to control others and allow you to focus on keeping yourself under your own control.

12. Prize Yourself

Or praise yourself. This is when you appreciate yourself for your efforts. If you are waiting for others to acknowledge you, you may be waiting a lifetime. Say to yourself, “I appreciate myself for taking the effort to work on improving me.” How beautiful is that? How often do you acknowledge yourself for the efforts you are making in life? Make it a daily habit. These are stressful times, and a little praise toward yourself—and toward others—goes a long way.