Working at the Mental Health Urgent Care Center for 11 years helped me put a lot of the psychology I studied into perspective. I might have studied something, but seeing it in real life was impactful. At this facility, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Disorders came to life, and the scary thing was—you never knew what was going to walk into the facility next. What helped me through it, and what helps me through things on a daily basis, are the models they taught us in school. Without that preparation, there would be no way I could deal with even a single client today.

When you become overwhelmed, it is because your internal resources cannot match the situation confronting you. This is when you blank out, can’t cope, freak out, use anger as a shield, or simply go into hiding. Why can’t we just handle everything like a “normal” person? It is because of having a shaky foundation.

Object Relations Therapy deals with the development of our emotional well-being. From birth to death, our emotions are constantly evolving. If we were raised in a loving and peaceful atmosphere, our emotional makeup is generally good. However, if we have suffered abuse, neglect, hardship, loss, etc, these hardships can shut us down and leave us trapped in the past like a prisoner. According to Sigmund Freud, under extreme stress, the adult part of us (or the rational part of us) will revert—or regress—to an earlier stage of life and become emotionally stuck there. This is where the real problems in life occur. With no ability to think our way out of a situation, we are thrust back in time and are now facing life with the mindset of a child. 

To cope with regression, people will often turn to childish means. They will act out, run away and hide, avoid social interactions, or, on the other end of the spectrum, use violence, attempt suicide, or try to numb themselves through substance use, obsessive work, or excessive exercise—avoiding the real issue: addressing the root of the cause, our wounded younger self.

This is what sets Spiritual Psychology apart from other disciplines: its focus on applying love to the younger part inside us that got hurt. This hurt may have happened when you were four years old—or it may have happened a week ago. Still, the solution remains the same: “When love is applied to hurt, we heal.”

How do we use this model of healing? Are we only to obtain love from a parent, a loved one, a friend, or the 12 Step Higher Power? Actually, the only person who can heal you is you.

Applying love to ourselves may sound strange. My friend’s granddaughter told me, “You aren’t supposed to love yourself, only others.” Thus, at four years old, she had already been tainted by the rules of society. “Do unto others” doesn’t spell out the importance of self-care. How can we give out love to others if we don’t love ourselves? We cannot give away what we don’t have. Therefore, our own healing begins with kindness directed by us to us.

You may ask: Is self-love narcissistic? If love for self excludes giving love to others, it can be problematic. Our relationships with others are a reflection of how we are internally with ourselves. If you don’t even like yourself, you can’t give away love and kindness. However, you can learn to give love to yourself—and quickly—if you do so regularly. It worked for me. As I began my treatment for the anxiety that had taunted me daily since I was young, I discovered a three-year-old little boy who had experienced physical abuse and witnessed it. It was too much for a young child; I shut down, was overwhelmed, and each subsequent day I had to face a world that was cruel—until the day my father left. But the scars remained, and since that moment, I did what I could to numb them out. And I am not alone. At the Mental Health Urgent Care, I met people just like me who had horrible childhoods, then did extreme things like taking to the streets, using substances, being cruel to others because, in some sick way, it was what was known and understood.

To start the healing process, trace a current upset back in time to where it began–or give yourself a rough estimate. Take out some paper and a pen, and write out a conversation with your wounded self. It is amazing how our current upsets all have roots in the past. When we get to the root and process it through, everything similar throughout your life heals! I’ve experienced it, witnessed it, and, to be honest, it is why I show up for work each and every day. This stuff worked on me and countless others. Do you have your paper and pen yet?

Let’s begin. Allow your dominant hand to represent you now, and allow your opposite hand to represent the younger you. Next, with your dominant hand, write out a greeting to your younger self. 

Adult (Dominant Hand): Hello, younger me. How are you?

Child (Opposite Hand): Sad.

Adult: Why are you sad?

Child: Because my daddy is mean, and he hurts me and mommy.

Adult (Applying love): Please tell me more about this. I am here to take care of you and make things better.

Child: Well, Daddy is always yelling and hits the wall and sometimes hits Mommy and me. I cannot stop crying, and he gets angry by shaking me and yelling more. So I try to hold things in, but it is so hard, and I cannot stop.

Adult: Yeah, I remember. What can I do to help you feel better?

NOTE: Here is the key: Allow your younger self to ask for what it wants. You risk being a bully if you tell your younger self what it needs.

Child: I need a hug and for you to protect me.

Adult (Applying love by giving self a physical hug): I promise to be here for you from now on. Would you like me to be your new daddy?

Child: Really? Can we get rid of Daddy?

Adult: I don’t think I can get rid of him, but when you have memories of him, I will rush by your side and help you out.

Child: Thank you. Thank you. (Hugs self again)

Adult: Is there something you want to do right now?

Child: I want to do a puzzle.

Adult: I haven’t done that for years. Yes, let’s do that. You can build it with our left hand, and I will build it with our right.

Child: This will be so much fun! Thanks.

“When love is applied to hurt, we heal.” Love in this example comes in two forms – the conversation and, afterwards, doing a puzzle together. This type of work has shaped my practice for over 30 years! So now, it is up to you. Do you choose to make this type of commitment to yourself? If so, then your real work begins.

The above is called re-parenting, and it isn’t a single event. To re-parent yourself, you need to check in with your younger self each day. It can be as simple as a conversation out loud, or fastening the passenger seatbelt if you are driving by yourself and taking care of your younger passenger. As we turn our love inward, it is natural to also share more love with others because we will have a bigger supply.

If you make a commitment to yourself—like doing the puzzle—follow through on your commitment. If you take this exercise as just something to agree with because you read an article, then you will still be on the outside looking in. One completed exercise is not going to help you at all. You’ve been hurt, and this hurt is at the root of your problems. If you find yourself regressing, then you have underlying wounds that need to be tended to, and this method, bar none, is the best I have found. When you interact with the part inside of you that suffered, you open yourself up to healing. To close yourself back down, do it consistently—do so with inner love.

Many people blame their younger self for upsetting their elders. “I wasn’t perfect and deserved the abuse,” I have heard countless times. Understand this: under no circumstances should a parent beat a child in anger. None. Children do not have the life experience of an adult, and it is important for adults to mentor children—not abuse them. It was not your fault, because parents treat children the way they treat themselves. I understand that my father hated himself, and he allowed this hate to consume an entire family.

Do I still hate this man who disrupted so many lives? Not at all. I eventually confronted him after years of therapy, and we became the best of friends. According to Spiritual Psychology, problems can be seen as a blessing. What I learned from him was how not to be. I learned to lead with my heart instead of my fist. I seek to understand before trying to be understood. I have turned his energy around by sharing love with myself first, and after doing so, sharing it with others.

I will close with a story I love to share because it illustrates what Spiritual Psychology is all about. I was treating a woman in a residential program who had been raped numerous times, starting when she was five years old. Using a Gestalt Empty Chair format, she sat in front of an empty chair and talked with her five-year-old self, then switched chairs and let the five-year-old talk back to her. (Actually, this is exactly what opposite-hand writing is—instead of switching chairs, you are switching hands.)

After flipping back and forth between the two chairs, she reported having a great healing. A few days later, she returned for her next session and asked to talk with her twelve-year-old self, who had also been raped. A few minutes into the empty chair work, she stopped, looked at me, and said there was nothing there. By addressing the issue at its root, everything similar was healed!

We are overwhelmed because of unfinished business. If we have suffered trauma in our life, it doesn’t go away on its own. It is still inside of us, and for those who choose to heal, there is discomfort involved—but you will get through it. I just grab hold of my wounded self tighter. By addressing issues at the root, it leads to feeling healthier, happier, and more functional in life. And yes, life has a way of testing us, sometimes on a daily basis. For me, I have a traveling companion that I get to hang out with all the time, and I help him through these trying times with tender, loving care.