Have you ever considered that what you see is make-believe? That people aren’t causing you upset, but you are? Oh, this is radical thinking because it is contrary to our beliefs. This person made you feel bad, but actually, this person did something; that experience went into the central hub of your brain—which we call the Ego. The Ego decides if it is good or bad and determines what the best action steps are to take. Spiritually speaking, everything outside of us is just an illusion. “But they made me feel bad.” Here is the Ego in motion. In graduate school, they must have written on the whiteboard hundreds of times, “I am upset because…”

Let’s break this down. “I am upset because” deals with the external. That person did this thing that upset me. Since we have no control over what that person does, all efforts externally are for naught. However, “I am upset” is something we can do something about. Our own upset can be worked on in a variety of ways. For example, we can ask ourselves why this situation is so upsetting and look at the rules of our Ego. This is called amending limiting beliefs. A limiting belief is basically an illogical rule that we hold to be the truth. When a rule begins with shoulds, coulds, musts, ought tos, or has tos, this marks something illogical because we have no control over people. We are in charge of us, and focusing on them will not be successful but will only create upset. Frustrating, but true. We can’t make people do anything—not your child, your partner, the dog, and forget about the cat. All your control tactics will only lead to more and more, and soon violence seems like the only true method of making them be the way you want.

Besides limiting beliefs, the actions of others that trigger reactions can be a reminder of something that happened to you that was traumatic. Sigmund Freud named Ego defenses as mechanisms we use to protect ourselves from being injured again. All of the past issues that we haven’t processed through are stored in our subconscious mind. The older we get, the less room there is for memories of shock and abuse. Our Ego is vigilant for any tone, gesture, or even scent that is similar to a time we were traumatized, and when it catches wind of it, our system goes on high alert! “You are acting just like my mother!” “Actually, all I asked you to do was quiet down because I’m on the phone.”

How do we calm down defenses? Well, it’s not the defenses that are of main concern—it really is the traumatic event itself. “I am upset,” succinctly speaking, refers to the upset at the core of our wound.

There are numerous ways to treat wounded material. Just because you forgive and forget doesn’t mean you are healed. If we use forgiveness too soon, we suffer a spiritual bypass and bypass the healing on the mental and emotional levels. You’ve learned how to address limiting beliefs (mental); on the emotional level, you need to process through the trauma emotionally.

I am an advocate of Empty Chair work, which comes from Gestalt therapy, which targets emotional wounds. If you’ve never tried it before, then fasten your seat belt. With Gestalt, if you have an issue with somebody, place a chair in front of you, imagine they are seated in front of you, and tell them exactly how you feel, holding nothing back. This alone can be healing because all of that venom you had been holding inside of you now has an outlet. Tell the chair things you would never tell the person. Once you have purged yourself, switch chairs and become them, then talk back to you from their perspective. You may think this is garbage until you have tried it yourself, because on some level you know exactly what they would say. Then it is back and forth until you feel the conversation is complete. I ask people to praise themselves for their efforts and use self-forgiveness to purge themselves of resulting negativity that often takes place while doing this. Self-forgiveness has been discussed in other articles, and I encourage you to read about it.

I would recommend using Empty Chair work on your own for easy issues, like a recent dispute with your partner or friend. This will help you see both sides of the situation and hopefully bring the matter to rest. For more traumatic experiences, please work with a therapist who is trained in this approach. When I was working through the abuse I suffered as a child, guidance from a therapist was invaluable to me. I often would lose myself to the process and needed the counselor to guide me, especially when dealing with my younger self.

This brings another issue to consider. When we go through a shock, we often suppress the issue into our subconscious. Here we try to forgive and forget, but it isn’t forgotten—only compacted with all the other life experiences that were too upsetting for us to deal with. If you notice the extent of your emotional reactions, you can realize how many unresolved issues you bear. If your anger goes through the roof, then there are lots of compacted issues in dire need of being worked through. And yes, I’ve heard my clients complain that they have worked through it and are perfect; then they go after their partner in the session. I will literally walk out of the room when they are going off, let them do what they do, then return, look them in the eye, and ask if they are ready to heal or not. We can make believe we are healed and next kick the dog in anger.

I am upset because… This puts into perspective a lot of things. Our upset becomes the guiding factor when it comes to living a healthy life. Since we only have control over ourselves, letting go of your attachment to fix others can have the reverse reaction and make them angry with you. So let that go. And yes, it can be fun getting them to do this or that, but soon people will push back to obtain their freedom. This is where relationships can get ugly.

I have heard countless people want to believe that they are the victim and that people are doing this or that to them. If they are, then get up and leave. For those who choose to stay, look at that. Why do you choose to be in a heartless and sometimes abusive situation? In all actuality, you staying there basically means you are abusing yourself. Now, if you feel that circumstances make you remain in an unhealthy environment, learn to fade that person out by focusing on yourself. Here, writing becomes key. Write out the things that upset you. Letter writing is also great. Let that person know (on paper) how you really feel, and when you are finished with your writing, rip it up and/or burn it. If you want the other person to be as upset as you are, then why? If they hurt you, and you decide to hurt them, you are becoming them. “I want them to feel how upset they made me.” I hear this a lot in custody cases. Fighting anger with anger brings war. Aren’t you big enough to handle their upset? This is the mark of a great parent. Kids will blow, and at first it is very cute, but when it isn’t, keep your head. When you can keep your head while your child is raging, it shows them that you are big enough to handle their anger and that anger can be controlled. After the fact, when their cognitive abilities return, talk about the situation with them.

I remember when I was 5 years old, something happened, and all I did was scream and cry. I was sent to my room, and for a half hour, I was upset and wanted my parents to know. Then I got tired, stopped yelling, left my room, and my mother said, “You are too old to carry on like that. Can you just talk about what upset you?” And that was the last time I did this.

A third element to consider is something called projection. Sigmund Freud coined this term after film projectors were invented, and he believed that people projected their faults onto other people, who basically became their screen. My father said when you point your finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you. And one is pointed to the sky, but I haven’t made up anything clever about that—yet. Freud believed that our Ego was fragile, and in order to keep our self-image safe, we had to bolster our Ego by finding faults in others.

Spiritually speaking, life is just an illusion. What happens outside of us is make-believe. Do we really know what another person is thinking or doing? It may be a calculated guess, but it’s still a guess. The only person we are sure to know 100% of the time is ourselves. “But they are judging me.” Are they? To be honest, what you think other people are doing—you are doing. I thought people were judging me at the bank. No, I was judging myself, and when I began working on my relationship with myself, all the fears of others’ judgments toward me faded away. Why do you care what people think of you? Ponder that for a moment. And again, why do you care? So they think you are a fool—then what?

This brings to mind a concert I just went to: Jason Bonham playing all of the Led Zeppelin classics. I was thrust into a situation in which the guy sitting next to me was hammered, and he seemed like he was bringing it upon himself to be the top fan. High fives, shouts, standing ovations—and the show was yet to start. How did I feel? How would you feel? This guy was just expressing himself. My concern at this point was how I chose to express myself.

How would you react? What rules do you have about this? People should be sober. Should they? They should be orderly? He was, but also expressive. Your rules are all about you, and to ensure that you have a loving and peaceful life, it is important to simply follow the rules you want for yourself. Therefore, I chose to express myself. I high-fived him, patted him on the back, and did the air guitar and head bobbing with him. I lived through the 1970s, and this was the music I grew up with. Noticing that we wore the same garb, knew the same songs, and were excited to be there, he appeared to be expressing the exuberance of his youth like me, and we were both in our element. Then Cashmere was played. OMG! We high-fived and air-guitared like nobody’s business. Did I have opportunities to judge him? Of course I did. But realizing that in that process I was also judging myself and projecting my insecurities onto him, I shifted my focus to the commonalities between us and realized I’d rather take the high road and practice love and acceptance than dwell in my judgments and negativity.

Life depends on how you are with yourself. When things get too difficult for me, I will close my eyes, focus on my breathing, feel my heart beating, and realize that I am there. Meditation practice worked well for me. It helped me nurture who I was in union with God (the life force that created all). The only person I am really in charge of is me. This took time for me to understand, then to nurture, grow, and adjust. In the past, I was the perennial people pleaser because I didn’t know how to please myself. I figured, back in the day, that if I made them feel good, they would in turn help me feel good, but that strategy sucked. I never got my needs met. This didn’t stop me, and I doubled down on my efforts, only to find myself frustrated and angry. Then I began to be passive-aggressive and started to hate myself for my blatant shows of negativity. But there is an out to this. Instead of trying to get my needs met through others, I learned to please myself. If I did something good, I would thank myself: “Thank you for flossing your teeth all week. Thank you for keeping your home clean. Thank you for calling my sister to check up on her health.” This I have termed my “emotional bank account.” Am I making deposits or withdrawals?

In a recent couple’s counseling session, a woman shut down and refused to say a word. I asked her what just happened. She continued to remain silent and seemingly seethed in anger. Eventually, when she came back into herself, she confessed to taking one comment made by the husband as an attack, and these attacks seem to take place all the time in their marriage. Here is another example of “I am upset because…” When we have a strong reaction to what somebody else says, our hurt is engaged, and there is a wonderful opportunity to process through our upset to eventually find self-love and peace.