Frustrated that I left my phone in my rental car in Los Angeles, I eventually found myself standing at the T-Mobile store. I found out I had an insurance policy and wanted to use that as a deductible for an upgrade but the policy I signed up for was getting a replacement phone of the exact same type. My limiting belief was – T-Mobile was going to give me a credit that I could use the way I pleased. Hearing a resounding no, well, it was unacceptable and the baby me had an excuse to rear its ugly head.

I feel foolish writing this out because of my ego. I am supposed to seem perfect to everybody – right? Well, that’s how I was trained by my family. So after kicking and screaming like a two-year-old for a good 10 minutes, I realized that the people in the store thought I had gone mad! Damn.

Now the cool thing was, I knew I was engaged in my limiting belief that “everything was supposed to go the way I wanted.” Now, why do I keep cringing as I write this out? So what? I was prepared to purchase a new phone about a month ago but got sidetracked in that process. It turned out that I was getting a replacement phone that I could keep for emergencies and ultimately decided to purchase what I came in for and in no time was handed a new iPhone! Happy Birthday younger me.

To better understand the limiting belief process, let me give you a few additional examples to chew on.

Here’s one: “All people should be loving.”

Since we cannot control all people, this is a limiting belief – or as Albert Ellis, who created Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, would say – we are being irrational. To make this statement more logical we can amend it to: “I choose to be loving to the best of my ability and other people are just doing the best they can.” In this example, we personalize it and only have the rule for ourselves. Though I give myself a little leeway and say – to the best of my ability. It takes into account the meltdown I had the other day.  

Another example: “Therapy is for people who are weak.” Yep, I used to believe that one. Is it? Therapy is essential for everybody because we were never taught how to process our thoughts and emotions. Instead, we can amend this statement to: “Therapy is a good option for people who are finding difficulty coping with life.” In this example, it is just straight logic.

Another example: “People cannot go into the quick check line at the market with more than 12 items.” Why? “Because if they do this, they are rude.” Rude? According to who? You? Suddenly we elect ourselves judge, jury, and ultimately God. When we focus on the actions of others, it is natural to get upset – because they are not us. If someone is different it can lead to stereotypes, judgments, separation, and us versus them. We say: “Allow people the dignity of their own process.” People are discovering life at their own pace. Just because you make sure to have 12 items means that you honor that rule. Though that is you and not everybody else. They are doing them to help themselves out. You are doing good for you. People are not going to be like you, so adjust. In doing so we can all coexist.

Psychologically, here’s what happens. An event takes place, and it enters our ego for a quick rule review, after this we make a snap judgment and act according to our belief system. Now, if our behavior is met with negativity, Albert Elliss from CBT thought we were irrational and had to change our beliefs and change our behavior. If our behavior had favorable results, then we were rational.

Each day we are given a wonderful opportunity to view our inner rules by paying attention to our gut reactions and the consequences of our behaviors. I got into trouble believing that: “Everybody is going to do what I want them to do.” What a bunch of B.S. Though, to be honest, I have learned to be gentle on myself and that I am a work in progress, so I am grateful that I worked through this in 10 minutes instead of holding a grudge for months.

I think what needs to be mentioned is we cannot live other people’s lives for them. Stephen Covey, in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” said the only person we can influence is ourselves and others can only influence them. Basically, we are stuck with our own thoughts and emotions, and nobody else but ourselves can change it.

Amending limiting beliefs can save relationships, jobs, and even families. It is important to ask yourself, why do you feel the way you do? Why should people be loving all the time? That is so restrictive. Then we hold in our anger, make believe that we are fine but are in turmoil deep inside. Go with the anger, express it in writing, art, exercise, and process through it. As you will learn in subsequent posts, underneath our anger are hurt feelings. When love is applied to our hurt, we heal.