Desire – Helping Others Before Myself
For Thanksgiving, I was about to do the typical “stay-at-home thing” like I had for the last few years but wanted to be with family. It had been a while, being caught up in running the facility, but now I needed a break and wanted to make my 90-year-old mother happy. I was getting back into the habit of making others more important than myself, burning myself out, and simply needing to get away. So I boarded a flight to California and left the rain behind.
This is not a new subject for me, battling the urge to help others before myself, but couldn’t ignore the signs – I had low energy, was getting irritated, and other drivers were starting to piss me off. This is when I know it’s time to stop and re-center myself.
It always happens that when I do something for myself, extraordinary things take place. Just after I landed and visited my sister, she took me to meet a family I grew up with and hadn’t seen in 40 years! What a great reunion!
This reminded me of the time when I had made the decision to really challenge myself and kayak to an island 12 miles away in Ventura, California. This was a place that was notorious for high winds and surf, but because it was the closest island to paddle to in the area, I decided to give it a go.
A coworker asked originally if we could go kayak to an island together and I blurted out, no. I had a habit of stopping myself from doing much of anything at the time, but that evening I kept obsessing about it. I was trying to break through my limitations at the time and knew I had to do it, so I told him the next day I could.
The week before our big adventure, my coworker was accepted to Harvard and bowed out. Now it was up to me. Should I stay or should I go? I decided to go anyway and face something alone that was my biggest challenge – my fear of water. True story. As a boy, I hated getting my face wet. My family kidded me about this being a past life issue, but past life or not I liked being on the water – when it was shallow, but needed to face this fear once and for all.
It was a process getting over my fear of the ocean. I just didn’t want to fall over, drown, or get eaten by a shark. Think about it, a kayak is a little thing and the ocean is so vast and so deep. What if a big wave came? Or the tide drastically went out? I’d be stuck around sharks and they were sure to eat me.
Yeah, I had a habit of spinning off scenarios and going down the rabbit hole. Thank God I was doing this at a time when I was working on myself in graduate school. For 4 years, we students counseled one another and I was always in search of a new issue to work on. This was the one that I chose to face and hoped I was up for the challenge.
Then came that fateful day, I had trained for this, upped the miles until I could easily paddle three hours straight, and got my friend to shadow me in his sailboat, and just after sunrise, I began to paddle out into the great blue yonder.
With one person in the kayak, it was a lot easier – less weight to push along, and in moments I was out of the Ventura Harbor and on my way to the Anacapa Island. Water all around me I churned along.
In a few hours, I found myself in the middle of the ocean, not able to see the mainland nor the island I was paddling towards, I suddenly felt a weird sensation – I was so damn small. All my familiar ties to land were gone and my only stability was this small boat, my paddle, and my friend off my starboard filming every move I made. I prayed he wasn’t there to document some huge whale coming out of the ocean and swallowing me whole.
So I pushed those thoughts to the side, caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye, and suddenly saw dozens of dorsal fins headed in my direction! “Help!”
What did my friend do? He laughed. “You’re alright, I think you’re going to enjoy this,” he commented.
Moments later I was surrounded by a pod of dolphins! Thanks God! Below me, to each side, behind me, and in front of me, like guards, my dolphin friends provided me protection in waters that were notorious for sharks! I felt included in the family. I was a dolphin and I paddled along. What an experience!
In school, they taught us this slogan: “The real issue is not your issue, the real issue is how you relate to yourself as you go through your issue.”
On that day, I faced my fear, praised myself, and in the end, paddled to an island with dozens of new friends!
Now, for you. How do you push past your fear? For me, it was breaking things down into incremental steps. I would kayak further and further until I felt confident that I could do so. I visualized success, but never imagined that dolphins would show up and protect me for 45 minutes! That was incredible.
We learned a process called creating an “Ideal Scene” where you focus on what is the best thing that can happen and imagine it taking place. Now, with an Ideal Kayaking Scene, for example, I jotted down how I was healthy, strong, balanced, feeling joy, staying positive, and feeling supported. At the bottom of the Ideal Scene is the disclaimer: “This or something better for the highest good.” Yeah, you may want something, but are you open to something even better, taking place? The dolphins were that something better – that’s for sure.
What are you willing to stretch past? That comfort zone had blocked me from ever trying anything like this, but thanks to my coworker, it gave me the opportunity to go beyond my normal and have this unique and amazing experience.
Next on my vacation, a friend brought me to a Christmas party that was dominated by medical doctors and nurses. My times had changed. I used to be a drug addict and homeless, and now I am rubbing elbows with people who were professionals, but hey, I guess I am one too, and sometimes I just have to pinch myself to see if I am dreaming.
Anyway, they were talking about the homeless situation in West Los Angeles and how they were trying to help but found many were so used to being on the take that even though they were given all these resources many refused to make the effort to use them.
I was reminded of this homeless man who lived in an abandoned building a few blocks away from where I lived in Santa Monica. He was found dead and underneath his bed was a chest filled with $250,000! Why would someone with all those reserves choose to remain homeless? It is baffling. It shows me that without a vision or making the effort toward what we want, we will stay in our comfort zone, even if that comfort zone is killing us.
One client, who spent 6 years in prison, stated that it is interesting what someone gets used to. He did, and being out of prison for him was super hard because he dragged that prison mindset with him for years.
I know change is hard because adjusting to even having $250,000 can be hard if you never had the money. This is why so many people who win the lottery squander it in the first year. In order for a person to be successful, they have to feel that they are a success and deserve it. Why does a person feel less than? Was it because their parents told them? People rejected those who were dark inside. Were these people perfect? Or, were they treating them the way they treat themselves? We determine if we feel good enough or not. If not, it can be changed. Look at me. I was a nobody and have fought hard to be a worthy and happy man.
I like psychology. I like it because it makes you question your beliefs and work on changing the ones that keep you stuck and feeling less than others. We are all the same. No one is above or below another. We are a big family whether you know it or not. I think they chased down our ancestry to seven people. Or, maybe two if you think about Adam and Eve. Scientifically those 7 spawned off all of us. So whether you like it or not, as The Doobie Brothers sang, “You don’t know me but I’m your brother.” What makes us different is simply our minds.
All in all, an incredible week of simply being Scott, without the D R in front of my name. I wonder what is in store for me on my next vacation.
Compassionate Care is Always Available
There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.
For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry. We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.
May you have good mental health.
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