Identity issues are common with people coming in for treatment. For so long they’ve changed themselves in order to survive. If you find yourself always caring for others and making their wishes more important than yours, it is time to take an honest look at this. Genetically speaking, we are all the same. Nobody is above or below another, but why do you belittle yourself and cater to those, who you believe are more important? Did you realize that when you make others more important, you thrust yourself to the side? You can continue to do this if you want and buy into the, “Treat others the way you want them to treat you,” mentality if you want, but ask yourself are they really treating you the way that you want?

The above may sound a bit selfish, but if you aren’t caring for yourself, how can you care for them? Parents tell me they feel ashamed of their parenting skills because they get depressed, have no energy, stay away from their children, and feel hopeless. Perhaps it is because in caring for others first, there is nothing left in the pot for yourself.

Many people get locked into pleasing others and in doing so they lose all connection to themselves. This can be scary if those people don’t provide you with what you desire. Then suddenly you are cast out, unloved, and hopeless. In creating a relationship with yourself, your identity isn’t tied to what other people think, but what you think about yourself.

In order for you to improve relationships with others, the first step is improving your relationship with you. This can be referred to as the “Law of Attraction.” If you lean into a relationship with fear, they will fear you. If you are unsure about yourself, so will they. If you lean into a relationship with happiness, love, and compassion, this is what you will receive from others. Then the real question is – “How can you feel positive about you?”

Do you have any good qualities? If a person believes they have no good in them because of their past substance use, are unemployed, homeless, or have mistreated others, how can they feel good about who they are? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, you have the ability to change, grow, and be better. I’ve counseled hardened criminals, gang members, murderers, and pedophiles. Even they change because if we change those old negative habits and live life anew, we are no longer the rapist, murderer, or domestically violent. I know that AA believes you will always be an Alcoholic, but seriously, if you are no longer engaging in negative habits you are reformed. 

Rational Emotive Therapy – also known as CBT – helps people look at the logic of their thinking. If you have negative thoughts about a situation and behave in negative ways, the consequences will be negative. If you change your negative thoughts and behave more positively, the consequences will be more beneficial.

When your identity is wrapped up in being less than, then you will be. Changing your mindset is the key. To become aware of a mindset pay close attention to what you believe. “I’m always _______.” “I’m always the one to blame.” “I’m always bad at math.” “I’m always poor.” Then you will continue to always be these ways. In changing your mindset, you can be doing the best you can, be good at math, and have money in your bank account.

Developmentally speaking, there are emotional stages of growth that are predictable in a person’s life. If you define yourself by the actions or desires of others, you are in the Autonomy stage of a 4-year-old. “I want you to make me feel better.” Here is where you give your power to others and hope they make you feel good. Relationships like this are called Codependent because we depend on another person to please us. If they don’t it can lead to domestic violence in the extreme. However, my question to you is do you want to live your life like a four-year-old, pout if you don’t get your way, or do you want to be an adult in your world and be in control of your wellbeing?

Do you know you are amazing? In spiritual psychology, we believe people are spiritual beings having a human experience. In being spiritual, we have the power to move matter. Check out the movie, “What the Bleep…” and see how top scientists prove, through quantum physics how we literally change matter. You are more amazing than you realize. “If you think you can, if you think you cannot, you’re right.” A quote from Henry Ford. He understood.

When you lose your identity you focus on pleasing others to get your needs met. Some even sacrifice themselves for the good of others hoping that this proves they are a good person. Would a good person injure themselves when they don’t have to? But, because of various reasons, we believe that it is noble to put others on a pedestal and worship them. Take care of yourself first, then worship away if you want, but balance it out 50/50 so you don’t end up resenting them if they don’t grant your secret desires.

Spiritual psychology believes the most important factor “is” your relationship with yourself. This is simply because 24/7 for the rest of your life, you are stuck with you. In every initial assessment, I’ll ask a person to tell me about themselves and many don’t know what to say. Oh, I often hear them tell me what they think I want to hear, but simply don’t know their strengths, weaknesses, fears, and doubts. Actually, they do know their fears and can describe them to a tee. Living in a constant state of fear breeds illness, weakness, and depression. If you honestly feel you are a loser, then it is time to break free of those chains and prove to yourself that you can win. 

What are your likes and dislikes? Do you rush to anger? Can you keep your head in a crisis situation? Do you simply run and hide? We have been trained by our early childhood experiences to live life in certain ways. If you were mistreated in your youth, it can be difficult to be strong and confident, or even trust others. If, as a child, you were the center of attention and could do no wrong, you may feel entitled and belittle people. Shoot, I remember going to a comedy show years ago where Rosanne Barr talked badly about the “little people” referring to people that weren’t in the public eye.

I worked at one of the luxury facilities in Malibu, California, and counseled the rich and famous, most of whom were struggling with esteem issues. I recently discovered that one, who dropped out of treatment, killed herself. You would think that all the riches and fame would make a person feel better, well think again. One client, who was worth a quarter of a billion dollars told me he wanted what I had. All he wanted was peace. But, he discovered the more money he made the more anxious he got – fearing that someone was going to kidnap him, so he hid inside his big house, behind his bottle of Jack and his security people, until he couldn’t function at all.

This is why it is so important to deal with issues related to childhood. Does this mean that all of our issues stem from childhood? No, I’ve treated people with the perfect childhood, only for them to go through a traumatic experience in their adult years, causing them to shut down emotionally. My theory is that when we go through trauma and get through it, it provides us with a certain structure to deal with the hardships in life. If life is too easy and something goes wrong, well I’ve seen people short-circuit and crash down hard. 

This article is a call for you to discover who you are – underneath the fears, judgments, and upsets. Move away from your judgmental mind and move into your loving heart. At our core we are good. Let your goodness out. I remember in my first year as an intern I was running a spirituality group and one of the clients stopped me after the group who towered over me. He was from South Central Los Angeles, a member of a gang, and was afraid to go back to the Hood because he had changed too much. He learned how to have compassion and be heart-centered in the group and knew that he wouldn’t survive with this mindset when he returned home. I was speechless. Another client told me he had been in prison for seven years after a crime he committed at 17 years of age and was sentenced as an adult. In his formative years, he learned how to survive in that environment and said, “It is amazing how you can adapt. Prison life soon became my normal.” Yes, we can get used to the normal negativity and violence, but we can also get used to positive thinking, sharing love, and laughter. You have the ability to adapt and leave the limiting patterns behind. 

If you need a “personal attitude ectomy,” as my friend once said then it is time to take an honest look at yourself, make the changes you can, then reach out to others to assist you. Be yourself, actually be your best self day in and day out. I remember a friend of mine getting frustrated with his parents because he couldn’t follow to a tee what they wanted out of him. In a huff, he exhaled, looked at me, and said, “I give up. I am throwing out the picture they have painted for me and grabbing my own canvas. From now on, I get to apply my strokes and colors and live life on my terms!” At 16 years old he was pretty wise. From that time on he has lived a fantastic life!

Deep down people are good and have the resources within them to do great. This is the philosophy of Carl Rogers from Person-Centered Therapy. Living life from your gut, you know what is right to do. Follow your heart and do your best. This is what my stepfather told me.

Ultimately, we are who we think we are. Create a personal affirmation of the qualities you would like to have and repeat this to yourself 100 times a day for 32 days minimum. Yes, you know how you don’t want to be – “I don’t want to be manipulated, judged, and working overtime hours to keep my job.” Unfortunately, the focus on what you don’t want creates it. Instead, focus on what you do want. “I am confident, happy, and honoring myself.” The more you repeat this statement, the more you become that. Here lies the key to creating your identity. With the focus on what you desire, you become it.