Some Advise to New Therapists
If you want to become a counselor, there are a few tidbits of information I can pass along that I’ve gathered in the last 30 years of fieldwork:
- Practice good self-care.
- Continue to work on your personal issues as they present themselves.
- Never work harder than the client. It is okay to let there be silence in the session as the client searches their mind. This process is the foundation of the Person-Centered Therapy approach.
- Lastly, something that hit me this past week, is to not get emotionally attached.
I’m sure you have heard the expression – “Doctor heal thy self” – since, in order to help somebody else, you have to be helped first. If not, when your patient discusses a similar issue of your own, you can get triggered. Ongoing therapy is essential for any counselor, which is so humbling. There is a process that Sigmund Freud referred to as “Regression”. Regression is basically the process where under pressure, the mind will slip back to an earlier emotional stage and get stuck there. A full regression transports us back to our infancy where it is difficult to think, cope, and even talk. Words might be in your head, but why aren’t they coming out? For people in the helping field, it is important to work through past trauma so we can be centered and understanding and avoid regressing. If not, it is natural for therapists to become angry, lecture, or simply discharge someone because they weren’t properly following your orders.
Recently I have noticed myself getting attached. I have been helping a family member and with family, I feel emotionally engaged. When dealing with regular clients I can easily be neutral since I am getting to know them and lack a personal history. Family is different since I feel compelled to heal them, and quickly! The miracle is my realizing that I had been doing this and needed to stop. Unfortunately, it takes more than just telling myself to stop doing something, now it was important for me to get to the root of this problem so I can use it as a healing opportunity.
Since change isn’t simply changing one’s mindset, it can be looked at as an art form. It looks at an issue on many fronts – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually has vastly different perspectives that shine many light on a subject. Therefore I tend to take into account all of those levels as I interact with my clients.
Therapy is mainly two people opening up to one another and by communicating, underlying issues that have caused difficulties in a person’s life can easily come to the surface. It isn’t the result of medication or electronic stimulation, it is simply the process of talking about unresolved issues that have been stored in the subconscious mind and bubbling up to the surface.
Yesterday while in the midst of a session, I suddenly realized what a strange job I had. I am literally paid to sit there and listen to a person share stories that don’t paint them in a good light. There I was, listening to this person’s struggles, their overwhelm, and doubts and it just struck me as weird. Though I know this is a major avenue to helping people heal, it just seemed bizarre. If these emotions don’t come out, their condition gets worse and worse, so I am grateful that the person is including me in their personal healing process, so they don’t have to stew on it anymore.
When I hear people vent their difficulties, it reminds me of my own personal journey and the things I’ve gotten through. Here is where I can have compassion, and know that they have begun their inner journey of self-improvement, and I am grateful they have chosen me to be their guide. Oh yes, I can relate to the abuse, the depression, the substance use, and the horrible relationships they are going through because I have been there, too.
Next, I will realize I have a wonderful person seated in front of me who is a survivor of difficult things. It is not a coincidence that both our lives lead up to this moment in time and I am grateful to provide some assistance to them.
Years ago, my mother confided in me that at her jewelry shop customers would open up to her about the difficulties they were experiencing in their life. She told me that a part inside of her opened up and had total compassion for them. It painted a picture of what was going on in me as I was learning how to be a counselor. I guess I inherited that trait from her.
My mother and I shared similar childhoods. Her father was a brute and so was my natural father, whom she divorced after his abuse almost did me in. Since we both went through difficulties early in life it is natural for us to care about a person in distress because we can both relate. It isn’t uncommon for me to cry with clients – which has negative connotations in this industry, but I don’t care. If I am moved I am moved – I am not a robot and do have feelings.
When I become impatient in sessions, I take notes. This isn’t my normal and know that I need a time out to look at what is going on underneath my surface. When this happens I have moved away from allowing the client to set the pace of their treatment and revert to my past manipulative behaviors. Therapy doesn’t work this way. Well, it can for professionals who are trained to stir up the pot, but my style is slow and deliberate.
If you’ve noticed, I don’t want to paint a picture that I am perfect in any way because I can lose my center and in the past few weeks have gotten out of that center and focused too much on fixing instead of letting the natural healing flow. There is a way to step up the pace taught to me by a friend who is a dentist. He told me that he envied me because I had the time to help people process through their issues, where he has to step people through the process quickly.
He explained the process he recently used when a new client was quoted a price to fix his rotting teeth and got very angry. Anger is at a low emotional state and the man was angry with an estimate that more than doubled his expectations. Joe told him, “Yes, the price can seem upsetting, but I would get anxious realizing that this issue is more severe and needs immediate attention.” Here, he stepped him up from anger to anxiety. Then he told the person, “But then I’d have some hope, realizing that once this is addressed I’d be healthier, out of pain, and would finally have this behind me.” Here he stepped the person up from anxiety to hope. Finally, he would add, “Then I’d be happy, realizing that I can afford this and can start this process today.”
Here, my dentist friend works the process for the client. Note that this is a quick version and for lasting mental health, each step needs to be properly processed through. Though, this emergency process I use on phone calls when people are panicking or suicidal, or when occasionally a person walks into the clinic without an appointment and is in dire straights.
When I am impatient in a session, I need to get to the root of my own issues. The first step is to take a break, wash my face and hands, and then write things out. Some would call it journal writing, though I don’t keep it, but rip it up. It is my way of gathering my thoughts, making sense of them, and then taking the proper action. After doing so this week, something presented itself to me that I hadn’t considered – burnout. I have been pushing myself since the beginning of this year and my schedule has been maxed out. We had a slow last quarter of the year and I had been scrambling to regain lost capital. Yes, that’s what an owner-operator has to go through. With all the pushing, I was burning out and had little tolerance for my own stress, let alone someone else’s. Since that realization, I have been taking more time for self-care and it seems to be paying off. The sunshine and hotter weather have also had a nice impact as well.
Life as a therapist has its ups and downs but what a fun ride it has been. I like it because I like people and yes, as my mother said, it does open up a place in my heart that is filled with compassion. What I tend to forget is that I personally went through the healing process at my own pace. How dare I try to push someone through theirs. So, overall, I have been humbled and realized that I needed to stop playing doctor – or God – and really allow somebody the “dignity of their own process.”
When I first attended my own personal therapy I held back because it was scary. I used to think “out of sight out of mind,” then realized it was never out of mind and wanted to deal with the panic that kept me awake half of the night – so I just went for it. The key here is “I” – I went for it. I was ready and that made all the difference in the world. Are they ready? If I am sensitive to what a client is presenting then I will honor if they are ready, trying to get ready, or just trying to gather information in order for them to deal with it at their own pace.
Compassionate Care is Always Available
There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.
For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry. We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.
May you have good mental health.
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