We had a common theme this past week at Basic Steps Mental Health and that was with loss. The subject of loss has many facets. There is loss of life, loss of a relationship, loss of health, and loss of purpose – as with retirement – to name a few. When we go through an abrupt change it can be startling. There is the classic Kubler-Ross stages of grief that can be used as a guide, in which I will give a brief overview, however, when it comes to loss, it is extremely important for people to fully experience their grief.

Substance use, staying over-busy, or using other strategies to keep feelings away only prolongs the process and can lead to other, more severe problems. It is not uncommon for people who avoid dealing with loss to die themselves, as you hear of one spouse dying and the other dies a few months later.  Therefore, you need to go through the process of grieving, and yes, it can be difficult – but you can get through it. This article was written to help you through the process.

A common theme this past week was people talking about dreaming about the person they lost. This is not uncommon because our mind is used to the person being with us, and when that ceases our imagination will kick in. This is natural and doesn’t need to be fought. Even in the event of a horrible divorce, fond memories can surface, so just make them okay. When it comes to loved ones departing, I often wonder if this is the avenue they choose to visit us – of course, being a spiritual person.

The widely accepted model that therapists will use is from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross where she described five stages of grief that a person will go through when they are experiencing loss. In fact, all of us therapists know this model by the acronym DABDA.

D – Denial – At first we are in shock and cannot believe the person is gone. This is one of Sigmund Freud’s defense mechanisms, which keeps the mind from being overwhelmed.

A – Anger – Anger shields the underlying hurt and when all the difficult feelings come rushing to the surface, it is natural to block them in the quickest way we can. 

When we are in the anger stage, we are without the higher functioning in the brain. Suddenly we cannot think our way out of the problem and therefore we go Neanderthal by trying to push the feelings away. Take this opportunity to write out your angry thoughts and discard it. Also, go for a walk and voice what is upsetting you.

B – Bargaining – Bargaining is our plea with God. “Please God, I promise to do such and such so you will bring back my loved one to me.”

Psychologically speaking, this situation happened for a reason, so in going through the grieving process you will eventually learn the ultimate purpose of why this situation happened and the growth opportunities for all concerned.

D – Depression – Depression bottoms us out. All efforts to get the person back in our lives, or change the situation has failed and we are left with the realization that the person or situation is gone forever. And yes it hurts and you are helpless and left with a void deep inside.

I often tell patients who are at this stage that the amount of hurt you are experiencing is equivalent to the amount of love you have for them. This is a time to be gentle with yourself. Our model is “When love is applied to hurt, we heal.” Therefore it is a time to wrap your arms around yourself and embrace the sadness that is deep inside of you. And yes, it is okay to take some time off of work, and surround yourself with loved ones, if that helps. Some like to mourn on their own and if that describes you, make it okay.

I have always found it incredibly healing to go to funerals. Sick as that may sound, I have discovered that at a wake, I am not alone in my sadness and it gives me a feeling of connectedness.  

A – Acceptance – In the last stage we realize that the person is really gone and it is time for us to move on and live our life without them. No, it doesn’t mean that we exclude them entirely – thoughts will pop up here and there, as well as dreams, or remembrances of you both together as you pass by a special location.

This model is just a model and people generally go through loss in whatever way they will. What hampers the healing process are the following:

1. Staying Angry – The anger can be a way we continue to bond with the person. They are gone but our anger keeps them alive.
2. Items – Keeping clothing or other items on some level will keep the bond. I had one family friend who replayed messages or reread texts on her phone. These are just echoes of the past and need to be released.
3. Their Bedroom – Often parents will keep a child’s room prepared for them, just in case they miraculously return. It is hard to move on being so connected, but change is inevitable for us all, and are we stuck in the past or moving forward?
4. A Shrine – My best friend’s father-in-law, kept photos, jewelry, and other items of his mother’s in the living room in almost an ornate fashion. He often sat there and meditated and carried on conversations with her. Psychologically speaking, the conversations are wonderful as a release, though focusing on the past and not living in the present can keep us stuck and depressed.
5. Videos – It is natural, at first, to want to relive the past interactions with those we have bonded with. From time to time I will play videos of birthday celebrations with my parents and enjoy that time. If you need to do so, by all means, do so, though limit it since now it is important for you to get your own life back on track and learn to move on without them. Just know that you are bringing them with you in your daily affairs.

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People come into our lives for a reason. What did you learn from this person? How have you grown and changed because of them? Life is all about learning, growing, and making ourselves better. Staying stuck in the past only keeps you there. Take the effort to move forward by moving your feet and taking action. Get involved in life so that you can live the positive messages you learned from the departed. Even with horrible relationships, you still got something out of the relationship at that time, and people aren’t all bad. It is natural to blame the other person for leaving – though you did your part in the demise of the relationship, too. Blasting someone on social media so the world would know that they were wrong only shows that you feel like a victim. I guess you can do that if you want, however, those posts have a way of rebounding against you anyway. We say Karma is a bitch. Meaning – what you throw out there rebounds back to yourself.

To get through loss, devote time to you. Here are some suggestions:

1. Writing – Write out your feelings and rip it up. Please don’t re-read it. Writing is just a release and a way for you to organize your thoughts.
2. Counseling – Counseling can help you get your thoughts and feelings out in a non-judgmental way. Often friends and family are insensitive to the dynamics of loss because it goes in an unfamiliar direction. Does the average person understand deep feelings? Many will lecture or put others down to avoid their own feelings – and this is okay. We cannot make people suffer at the depth that we are, so at least in counseling we can purge our feelings and get supported in the process.
3. Self-Care – This is a big part of the grieving process. Practice good eating habits, exercise, medical and dental care. A spa day is nice and encouraged. If you are not taking care of yourself, what are you telling you? Make yourself the top priority.
4. Social Involvement – Get involved. Attend a group, church, or even enroll in school. You are still alive and useful.

I hope this article has been of help. I’ve always heard the statement that death is a part of life. Well, that clunks for me. Death is death and it is an ending. An ending in life, an ending in a relationship, or a job or even a vacation, it is all loss. And yes, there can be a sense of loss after returning from an inspiring trip you have been on. Then what? Then we take what we learned from the person and events, and move forward.

In a couple of days it would have been my father’s 92^nd birthday. He departed two years ago and to be honest, it was a blessing he went. It was hard to watch his suffering in the end. You would think that those images remain, and sometimes they do, however, what really remains is the joy that we shared together. We were very alike when it came to our love of family, friends, and people that we were meeting. My dad was Mr. Disneyland and worked there for 15 years. What I take away from our relationship was how he lit up every time I saw him. It was genuine, he really did unconditionally love me and I feel blessed that we reestablished our bond after no contact for 12 years. I was fortunate to have experienced this from him, and countless others haven’t. In my 30 years of practicing psychology, the majority of my clients have never had that special someone care deeply for them. Therefore, I do. Is it genuine? Absolutely. We can only give back what we have inside of us. All the wonderful feelings that I have experienced from my parents, family, and friends, I easily share with others because I want them to have this same experience.