The Passing of Two Friends
This past week marked the passing of one of my best friend’s father, and the wife of another dear friend. Both of these people loved life, loved people, and were active in the community. The biggest part of being a therapist is keeping yourself in balance. In doing so, you are able to be there for others, unfortunately, both of the deaths hit me hard and I found myself counseling myself as I was working.
In graduate school, they trained us to use our “Inner Counselor.” The inner counselor is basically the wise part inside of you – similar to your inner voice that is perceptive and wise. During sessions, I am always interacting with my Inner Counselor, but not to the level I was doing so in this past week. My Inner Counselor kept reminding me to listen to what a person was saying and remain quiet at the times I normally made an intervention. This silence actually had people talk more and go a bit deeper.
I miss my friends. My friend’s father always treated me like a member of the family. My highlight with Howard was his inviting me to join the family on a backpacking trip to the upper Tuolumne Meadows high in the Yosemite Valley. For a man in his 50s at the time, he scaled the mountains like a goat. All I remember is the family laughing as I made it to the end of a grueling day of hiking high in altitude, at least 9 miles, and upwards of 3,000 feet in elevation, only to have him reach into my backpack and pull out a bottle of wine. Everybody cheered and Howard snickered. Howard was an active walker, right up to the end and died suddenly at 88.
My other friend was the wife of a dear friend of mine who had been struggling with drinking for decades. There isn’t much a therapist can do with friends, but I did what I could to provide encouragement. However, Jeri, his wife was extremely active in his sobriety, which now is four years. Then she got cancer and battled it for years to end up losing that battle last week. You know the type, a person who is excited to see you and makes you feel special. She had that aura around her that was welcoming, and interested in whatever you were doing. Both of these people are pulling on my heart.
I’ve written articles on grief and loss, and at times I have personally made it into some scholastic endeavor for myself. But this time I am experiencing it differently. Each day has brought waves of sadness because these people impacted me in a deep way. The devotion I saw from my friend’s wife was unsurpassed. And my friend’s father was always laughing. You know, the kind of laughter that gets you going. In fact, Howard was practicing dentistry right up to the end. I know his patients are going through what I am, too.
I guess my sadness is in proportion to the love that I had for these two gems. And what do you say to the spouse, the children, the parents? “I’m sorry for your loss?” What does that mean? In talking to both friends, I don’t know what to tell them. All the clichés have been said before and at a time of shock, it seems that the words inflict some kind of pain. I’ve had friends and family calling me and saying, “They are in a better place.” Do they know? I kinda know, but I haven’t been there myself. Well at least in this life. I hope they are in a better place. I hope they are at peace.
I’ve realized that all I can do is listen and if something moves me to say that. My friend said, “At least my wife isn’t suffering anymore.” Boy, can I relate to that. Still, it was not for me to say that. He needed to process his feelings and all I could do was provide an ear for him.
I am writing this while the winds are howling outside. Yes, the winds of change are blowing without these two people.
I think I am a rare person who likes funerals. At funerals, you realize you aren’t the only person suffering and others can relate to what you are going through. Suffering alone is difficult, but in a group, it is more comforting. I wish I could go to their funerals but one is in California and the other is in a few days and I am absolutely booked. What goes inside of me are the musts, shoulds, coulds, and the have tos that I was raised on. People must stop everything and go to the funeral, wedding, anniversary, the holiday party. Must they? I’d rather make it into a “choose to” instead of a “have to.”
Still, my sadness remains, no matter how hard the wind blows. I guess I am human. If I had no reaction, it would mean I didn’t really care about them. Therefore my sadness is my reminder that I loved them and it is okay to be human, to cry, and to wish a person was back with me, but only if they were 20 years younger and completely healthy.
When my father died it was a blessing. Oh, did he suffer in the end, first losing his eyesight, his hearing, and his sense of touch was going. He said he outlived his expiration date years before, then he got a kidney infection and a few months later was lost. This was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. It was time. And now, it was the time for my friends too, and it will be my time when it is my time.
We do a visualization process at Basic Steps Mental Health in which the group is led through an old, cute town, where people are going into small shops, and everyone around is happy. The bells to the town’s church begin ringing and soon everybody files into it. As each person enters, they are handed a pamphlet. As you look at it, you realize that it is for a funeral. Then you notice that the funeral is for you.
At the funeral, what would people say about you and your life? Who would be talking? Family? A coworker? A friend? A loved one? What the exercise is all about is beginning with the ending in mind. Yes, we all are going to die, however, what is the message that our life gives? If you are on the wrong track currently, you still have time to change it up and lead a more influential existence.
In graduate school, they referred to life as a school and life was the curriculum and we graduated when all of our lessons were completed. As for Jeri and Howard – they just graduated and I can only imagine the applause both of them are receiving as their new school intervenes.
Compassionate Care is Always Available
There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.
For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry. We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.
May you have good mental health.
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