Relationships are complex. Two people from two different backgrounds and two different life experiences are suddenly thrust into each other’s world and if you don’t know how to be in close quarters with somebody, things can get out of hand. Now, if you suffered trauma in the past, intimacy can be very difficult because it is natural for a part inside of you to be on guard, fearing that it might get attacked again. For those people, it is natural to put up a wall, scrutinize the other person, and want to get close, but don’t know how.

A friend’s older brother told me when he first started dating he would pay close attention to his partner’s relationship with her parents because how she treated family would be how she treated him.

Normally how you were treated in childhood becomes your normal. The rules that they taught you, and the way they interacted with others outside of the family gave you a blueprint on how to exist in society. Have you taken an honest look at the rules that were handed down to you?

There are a few items I will look for when counseling couples. Here are some of the main problems that top the list.

1. Lies

As a child, lies seemed the easiest way to get out of the situation. It was quick and didn’t take much thought. However, as an adult, you are in a relationship with another adult. Adults are complex. After a while, you will realize that eventually, the truth is going to come out so why not be honest right from the start? All it takes is to tolerate our own sense of shame. Honesty means being one with what is.

2. Non-Communication

Here is where we remain a child and hope things improve on their own. However, they won’t. Intimacy in a relationship is the ability to talk about difficult subjects, confess mistakes or misinterpretations, and come up with solutions.

The pitfall in many relationships is being in our own fantasy world and make believing that your partner will eventually see things the way that you do, regardless of how they act or feel. In conscious relationships, there is no assuming just taking your partner’s words as a fact and adjusting. 

Slogan: When you assume you are making an ass out of you and me. Ass u me.

3. Limiting Beliefs (Rules)

As mentioned before, we tend to operate by the rules of our family. For generations, families believe there is one way to look at something and as we get older, it is easy to see that the rule of the family may have worked in past generations but in the world of today, it doesn’t.

For example, punishing children. I remember getting tired of my daughter’s clutter and was upset one day with her clothes everywhere. I had told her to clean them up and when she didn’t I got angry, and sent her off to her room, so she could think about what she had done. My partner asked why I did so and I just thought this was how everybody raised children. After some introspection, I remembered hating being sent to my room and immediately went to her room, apologized, and came up with a mutually acceptable solution with her. We decided it was important to ask first, offer to help, and make some kind of game out of it so there would be some fun. I still find myself humming the dishwashing song every so often. 

Now, underlying my upset was a rule: Every child must obey their parent or else they are being bad. These rules of the Super Ego – according to Sigmund Freud, account for the majority of our upset. Spiritual Psychology wants us to take a look at these rules and amend them in order to remain centered and happy.

Should all children obey their parents all of the time? All children? In college, we learned that universal truths are always illogical. All people, all mothers, fathers, children, on and on must… Well, we cannot speak for all people, all we can speak for is ourselves. This fact can help us reduce our upset by only making our rules our rules for ourselves.

The new rule I created was: “I choose to obey my parents, to the best of my ability, and others are doing the best they can.” All I can do is control me.

People learn from others who set the proper example. It has been proven that children learn by not what a parent tells them, but by how they live their life. So, when we “model” the proper behaviors then our children will learn how to apply the lessons.

In relationships, problems occur when we inflict our rules onto others. It is like setting land mines when you dictate how a person should be. If you try to dictate how your partner should act, then you don’t really love the person. If you can’t accept the person as they are you are wasting your time and their time. The manipulation game in relationships can sometimes last decades. It may be fun on some level, but…

Often I hear a person say that their spouse wants them to be more communicative. For people who are more non-verbal, it puts a lot of pressure on them. The biggest challenge as a therapist is getting the non-verbal types to open up. There are reasons why people don’t talk, one being they don’t feel safe. So if your partner isn’t communicating to your satisfaction, move away from the television or the computer, go for a walk together, and walk in silence. Even if they don’t communicate verbally simply being with them can provide the closeness that you need. Eventually, as people feel safe they will open up.

I remember when my daughter was a teenager and suddenly stopped communicating with me. I was shocked because she used to tell me everything. Then I asked her to walk the dog with me and in doing so, it took about 20 minutes before she started to tell me what was going on in school and I was shocked. Being a teenager in today’s society is much more difficult. I didn’t have social media, issues with hard drugs, and suicide. She was a great kid who was being bombarded every day and tried to hold it all in. Many times she would simply cry and I would hold and reassure her she would be okay. 

4. Expectations

If you are waiting for your partner to give you a hug, wash the dish, or take out the trash and they don’t do so, it can be upsetting. When we wait for people to fulfill our unstated needs then we are setting ourselves up for failure. All the above point to ego rules. “My partner must…”  If you were to simply ask for the hug, ask for them to help you with the dishes, or take out the trash together, how much of your upset will go away? It is important to simply ask for what you want.

If you judge people, you don’t have time to love them. – Mother Theresa.