Improving Communication

Maybe this article should be titled, “Get off your ifs, ands, and buts.” This week had one theme – the trouble with communication, or lack thereof.

In meeting with couples and families, my common message has always been, finding a way for the message sent to be received. It takes effort for the communicator to present information to another person in a manner that they can accept.

For example, if we were to yell our frustration to another person, what is the odds they will really listen? Sounds to me like bullying is the strategy. What are the odds of somebody will listen to that?

Then there is the convincing people they are wrong. The right wrong game makes one person the winner and the other a loser. In intimate relationships, that doesn’t go over too well. Then a spouse will complain that they are not having sex at all and sleeping in separate rooms. You can hold onto your righteousness if you want, but I guarantee you will be sleeping alone.

The cornerstone of all relationships is communication. Relationship = people relating. I’ll add to this – causing a ship. Dang is that corny. So how can we improve our relationships, by changing the way we relate? If you love a person, show it with your words. 90% of communication is non-verbal. People pay more attention to how you speak and not to what you are saying. In fact, in one session with a person trying to find work, all we focused on was their attitude. Will a prospective boss want to hire someone angry and demanding? Will they want someone meek that looks like they need to be rescued? These same dynamics take place in our relationships with others. And, here is a clue – Our relationships reflect how we are with ourselves.

To improve our relationships with others, the first step is improving our relationship with ourselves. I am laughing as I type this out on my computer because it is suggesting text for me to use. The computer has been programmed to focus on improving relations with others by the focus on them. This manipulation in others to get our needs met is now programmed into our A.I’s! Yikes!

 

 

Take care of yourself. Learn to love and care for yourself. When you communicate with another person, imagine that they are you. Would you intentionally put yourself down? Would you bully yourself? If so, then give me a call, and let’s set up an appointment because the real issue in life is how you are with yourself. How can you love somebody if you don’t love you? Hey, even my computer agreed with that line.

An important step in communication is staying neutral. Just because it appears as if somebody is putting you down, and the knee-jerk reaction is to defend yourself, and to tell them they are wrong, wait a beat. Listen to what they are saying and ask yourself if there is some truth in what they are communicating. I know this is new and may risk you feeling hurt, or looked down upon, but trust me, this is the key to having functional relationships. Through all that shit, there may be some gems in there for you to learn and grow. When we move away from the I’m right and your wrong mentality, true intimacy can be established.

Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them. – Bruce Lee

How to improve your communication, two tools come to mind – Perception Checking and Silence.

Perception Checking is simply listening to what someone is saying and then repeating back to them what you heard and asking if that is correct. Silence is just that, let the other person talk. It is better to air on listening. My father told me, “You have two ears and one mouth.”

How often have you truly felt heard? Instead of waiting for that, give the person who is talking to you that experience. I believe there is a book titled, “Listening is Loving.”

It is important to realize that we cannot change another person. If you are so hellbent on changing your loved one, you really don’t love them. How often do you sit in judgment of them instead of enjoying who they are? Heart-centered listening is the first skill taught in our IOP program. It is important to care about what is on your partner’s mind. It is important enough for them to talk about it, so convey that you care by trying to listen. Okay, so sometimes they will be critical like you have never been this way. Give them the luxury to air out their feelings and then talk about the gems that can help you after they finish talking.

Here is a clue – what they are complaining about you is what they dislike about themselves. This is what Freud called “Projections”. My dad said, “When you point your finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back.” Miss you dad.

So, as the book, “The Four Agreements,” says, don’t take things personally. If the person really knew you 100% would they complain? If they would, well you’ve got some work to do on yourself. If you know that you are a kind and loving person, then their complaints are all about themselves, so don’t take it personally and take it in stride. It seems like they are having a bad day and of course, misery loves company.

Compassionate Care is Always Available

There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.

For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry. We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.

May you have good mental health.