Dad’s Memorial

A rainbow followed me as I drove to work this morning. The morning before my father’s memorial celebration. He lived a good 90 years and seemed to have a good life. I came to love my father after the rocky start of his abuse in my younger years. Because of this I went through extensive therapy and was then able to confront him as an adult. From that moment we began to build a wonderful friendship. Who knew?

I hear people tell me they thought that therapy was for people who were weak or had a mental illness. I don’t know about that, but for me, I had this pent-up trauma and if I didn’t release it I was going to explode. You know you need help when you are having panic attacks daily, and from the moment I started to talk about the things I had hidden in my life, my mood soon began to change.  

It’s interesting how a seeming enemy can become a best friend. I remember watching videotapes of J. Krishnamurti in which he said “See people with new eyes.” An enemy can become a best friend and a best friend could turn on you, but just see them as they are. I think that perspective helped me push away my tainted viewpoint of my father and see him for who he really was at that stage of life. In all actuality, he had changed, and I turned out to be the one holding onto resentments instead of seeing him as he was.  

I needed to release my baggage before I was able to change my relationship with my father. It took some time but I needed to find peace in the world. He had moved on, got remarried, and started his own family, but I was still an upset little boy deep inside. I think what really helped was when I confronted him finally and he didn’t lie to me but admitted his fault. Not that many people are that fortunate but to me, just talking to him was a big victory. The I am sorry was unexpected but appreciated.

From then I began to visit him more and more. It was apparent he was in a difficult second marriage and it mellowed him out a lot. Obviously, she was the bully to him and all I could think about was Karma. Karma is simply the belief that what you throw out will return to you. When you are down people kick you, when you are up people love you, that sort of thing. In purging my negativity – to the best of my ability, of course, I learned that kindness is the best way to treat people, even so-called enemies.

Working on this in my own therapy, in the long run, has helped me out as a therapist. I did a lot of empty chair work in which I pretended my father was seated in front of me and I would talk, sometimes yell at him. And then I’d switch chairs and have him talk back to me.

 

 

Years ago, I was about 17 years old and working at my first job as a Drapery installer. Outside of our warehouse, this street person would always fight with a telephone pole. I mean he would yell, walk away, and return to say the last word. He gave that pole a good tongue-lashing every week. Who knew that I would be doing that same thing to an empty chair?  

After a few years, I actually moved in with my father and his family. I was attending Cal State Long Beach and studying to be an engineer. Yeah, that’s a long story. But, anyway, he lived close by and wanted me to move in to save some money on travel and rent, so I did. This marked the time we really bonded, and I had a lot of fun building a room in the garage. Yeah, only if those walls could talk. But, my dad was cool and allowed me to grow some plants in the backyard and this would never fly with my mom and stepfather. So, my first dad became number one. Who knew? My friends that grew up with me and knew about the abuse were shocked when they came over to see how friendly we were to each other.  

It is still hard to believe he is gone. I always assumed that my friends and family would always be there. Shoot, I believe that I will always be there but I guess I too will eventually pass. My stepdad was the first to go and that was a year ago. That shook me because he was the man that raised me and I am most like him. He was an incredible man so I guess I had two men who had their hand in raising me. Unfortunately, I can only pull from memory their words of encouragement and love.

The memorial today was touching. Your children didn’t go through the same early childhood experiences with you as I did and talked about how you were a saint. I am grateful they didn’t have to start off on that foot with you. Extended family and friends were very kind in what they shared and I never realized how you reached out to so many people and lent them a hand. It was touching.

What I remember most about you was how much of a kid you were. My father worked at Disneyland and signed me up for free, and whatever friend or lover I had at the time. When my daughter turned 16 he and his coworkers signed in 15 of her friends. What an incredible day! He of course took the time to take us around to the cool spots that nobody knew of and got us onto the rides without waiting in line.  

So dad, now that you are officially laid to rest, all I can say is that I will miss our hanging out, playing trivia games, you telling me your lousy jokes, and turning me on to some great action adventure movies. I have to admit that it was hard seeing your decline in the last few years, but you kept a positive attitude and faced everything with dignity. I love you and always will. I hope that you are with Grandpa, Grandma, and Aunt Alisa in heaven and having a ball. They were amazing and so were you.

Compassionate Care is Always Available

There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.

For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry. We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.

May you have good mental health.