Changing for the Better

This article should be entitled personal responsibility since in changing ourselves, it has to be done by ourselves. So often people want to have others swoop in and rescue them because we feel it is their fault, they are making me feel this way, when the truth is, it is all about us.

In taking personal responsibility, we are no longer victims of what others do or say. In all actuality, it is all about us. Other people are just make-believe. Well, that’s according to spiritual beliefs. Even psychologically speaking, an event happens, it goes through our filter, we decide if it is good or bad, and then we decide how to act. What if our filter is faulty? What if we are operating by rules that society has set up for us and they are wrong? Who told you how to think and behave in certain ways? Or, did you just wing it and come up with your own set of rules to run by?

Personal responsibility means that we take the blame for something regardless of the outcome. In my house growing up, we always blamed the dog for bad smells (if you know what I mean).

 

Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.

–Bruce Lee

 

In order for us to change, we need to make the effort. If you are looking for them to help you, you may be waiting for a very long time. Plus, if they did what you wanted, would you still feel better?

What do you need from them? Can you do this to yourself? If you are the type that constantly gives love to others and always is plotting how to get the loving you crave from them, how is this working? This is the opposite of what is effective. If you learn to care for yourself – and this is not just checking off a box reminding yourself you exercised enough, ate the perfect food, did the charity work, and helped the homeless, but truly cared for yourself, the results would be achieved.

This is a big order for a lot of people. This goes against everything we’ve been taught. It is common to think that you definitely don’t go to therapy because it shows people you are sick. Or, maybe doing so would show this to yourself? Many can’t love themselves because of all the mistakes they have made and down deep feel like a loser. Yikes! Remember this: We learn through trial and error. If we are screwing up, we are learning. I encourage people to give it 100% effort and if it fails, we will discover the learning and give it another try. If you stop, you can never overcome.

Consider self-care as your first priority. How can you give to others when you don’t have the energy? Take care of yourself first, put on that oxygen mask, and after that, you can assist others. But be careful here. Sometimes people don’t want to get better. And that is okay. It is a personal matter of whether you want to grow or not. Some folks get rewarded for not trying. They play the victim so people can swoop in and pay their rent, give them a place to live, and fund their video game addiction. If you could remain being a kid, then why not? It’s hard out there working and we’d rather remain young and immature. Ultimately it depends on what you want in life. If you want something, you need to go after it. Others aren’t just going to hand it to you. Eventually, the silver spoon gets taken away, and then what?

Oh, about 20 years ago I departed from the 12 steps. I had worked at a 12-step facility for years and took notice of the percentage of people who completed our program and came back. It was startling. The first step in AA is about proclaiming that you are powerless over drugs and alcohol, and how a force greater than yourself will restore you to sanity. When I was asked to run the first step group I was shocked at what they wanted me to say. “You’re shitting me.” I blurted out when learning what it entailed. Of course, mine was a psychological approach that restored me to sanity, if I ever achieved that anyway.

So, some force, outside of you is going to help? Really. (And I apologize to you 12 steppers out there, I’m just going with this energy). For many people, this force that is greater represents others – their parents, their partner, close friends, or even a boss. They will restore me. And again, the healing doesn’t happen because the real person that will heal you is you.

Spiritual psychology has many slogans. One of which is: Spirit meets you at your point of action. This means, when you take the action steps, the universal healing gets engaged. No effort, no result. God isn’t going to live your life for you. That’s your job. So, we say” get off your ifs, ands, and butts.

It’s interesting writing this article with a hint of harshness. I like to monitor myself as I let things just flow. This subject means a lot to me because in my 28 years the people who do the best in treatment are the ones that are motivated to do so. They aren’t waiting for others to help them or blame, if people want to change they go 100% after what they desire. To start that journey, treat yourself the way you want others to treat you, the worst thing that can happen is you get to like yourself. It is heartwarming when you suddenly realize that you are caring about you. This is when the obligation friends get exed out of your life. The things you feel compelled to do that have no rewards are suddenly off your schedule. When you start doing the little things that you like and are enjoying your own company, then you can start to relate to what I am writing about. This is the real recovery, when you make yourself the first priority, love yourself, and the result is more meaningful relationships with others will take place.

So now I hand it over to you. You are now in charge of yourself. What do you choose, to focus on getting them to fulfill your needs or will you take up the challenge?

When I first got into counseling somebody told me that I had to learn to love myself. This seemed so weird. There was no way I was going to look into the mirror and confess my devotion to myself. “Awkward”.

One of my most difficult clients who had multiple personalities came into my office one day in shock. He told me that he looked into the mirror and told himself he loved him then looked up and said, “God, I love you too.” After years of self-inflicted torture, and he bore the scars, he had learned how to truly heal and that was from within.

Compassionate Care is Always Available

There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.

For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry.  We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.

May you have good mental health.