What Is Your Normal?

When somebody comes in for therapy, my first question is, “What brings you here?” I am grateful for the mere fact that they are willing enough to let me in. With myself, when I first went into therapy, I was guarded, minimized my symptoms, because I was trained by my family to pretend and tell everybody that I was great, which I was far from.

I learned in therapy to let down my guard, let another person in, and be honest with myself. I had put so much weight on what other people thought about me, that I changed myself to please them, but obviously didn’t know how to do so because they and I were upset. Bottom line I was playing out the system that I was brought up in.

It took a full-on effort to break free of that conditioning. To be honest, shades of it will creep up in my attitude from time to time, but the key is, I recognize it quickly and know how to change back to my new normal.

What is your general mood? Your normal you? How long have you been this way? Do you want to change it?

I felt that everybody acted and felt like I did, and it caused me great upset when others were different. Being different made them a threat to me. I couldn’t predict or control this person, so I put them down, like my family of origin did get other people to agree with my beliefs, and made myself right. If I were to bump into myself now when I was younger, I would put myself down. Come to think of it, in the past, that’s all I did.

A mood state will become our normal for many reasons. First off, the brain will hardwire the way we normally think, and it becomes automatic. If you are negative, for example, if somebody does something, your first thought will be how wrong it is. Or, if you are positive, you automatically want to praise a person for some new insight you have gained. Then the question is, do you really want to change?

It may be romantic to consider yourself a loving and spiritual person who is in touch with themselves and the world, and then go off and kick the dog. If we kid ourselves into believing we are a certain way that we really are not, we are living in a fantasy. This fantasizing especially takes place in the early stages of relationships. He is Prince Charming and she is a Fairy Princess, and together we will live happily forever after. He will always do what I want, she will always agree with me, and then warts start to show up, and the real person stands in front of us. My grandmother stated that when warts came out and you still cared for the person, it was a good match.

Living in reality and seeing yourself and somebody else as they are is when you become an adult. Childish relationships take place when we live in the fantasy and hope that they are going to change, they have such potential, and with that type of thinking you could be stuck in a nowhere relationship for years. J. Krishna Murti stated, “See people with new eyes. See the truth”.

Be honest. Is it fun to bond in drama with people? That is when you talk badly about others. Misery loves company is the saying but did you ever believe you would take part in that?

When I was a boy, I saved all my sad feelings for my mother. The instant I came home I would cry and focus on the one bad thing that happened to me. This was the family system back then, and what I dragged with me throughout my life. As an adult I would greet friends with, “Hey Bill, did you hear that crap the president said?” This would eventually lead to an agreement because I choose Bill as a friend because he agreed with me all the time, and my family system of negativity continued.

We initiated a cuss jar at the Mental Health Urgent Care Center I worked at years ago. Tired of all the negative bonding from the staff, we fined a person for every negative comment a quarter. It was sad to think that once a month we had negative pizza parties with the proceeds and had many pizzas left. Loving and caring staff?

Carolyn Myss coined the phrase “Woundology” to point out that people bond in their woundedness. Upon meeting people we blurt out: “High Bob, I’m an alcoholic, did you know that?” I just tell people I’m a positive, caring, and loving person.

It takes effort to break free of our self-imposed conditioning. We may have been exposed to the negative system in our youth, but we are the ones that have taken that ball and run with it. The real question is – Do you want to change? Remember this has been your normal and how you bond with others. Without this initial go-to, then how would you be? Many get rewards for being negative. To live a more positive life would be a stretch. I say you will be happy – but is that what you want?

In order to be happy, it takes a full-on effort every day. Treat yourself and others with kindness. Take better care of your health. Think about the best thing that can happen. Appreciate the actions of yourself and others. Above all move away from being right, because in doing so you make the other person wrong.

People change. I sure know that I did. This path isn’t easy but in walking that path, you become happier, healthier, and a better friend and partner. Plus you save a lot of quarters.

Compassionate Care is Always Available

There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.

For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry.  We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.

May you have good mental health.