Woundology – Bonding in Our Wounds

The theme of this last week has been on people imagining the worst-case scenarios. You know, “What is the worst thing that can happen?” It is almost as if we were weaned on this. How often have you focused on the worst thing? The surprising thing is that when we fantasize about something, reality and fantasy register the same in the brain, and a thought can feel like something is really happening – causing us to panic! Why do we keep on doing this? Because society tells us to do so? I’d rather think for myself.

The worst thing is us imagining the worst thing. In doing so it makes us frustrated and angry. The constant negative focus can be an addiction. It is as if we become comfortable with the negative feelings, create them again and again because it has become our normal, and, as being social beings, try to connect with other people this way – what Carolyn Myss coined as “Woundology”. Basically, us bonding in our wounds. Why not bond in love? It does feel better – don’t you think?

Treating so many Engineers in our practice, whose jobs are focused on the worst-case scenarios, it is understandable for them to have this focus in other areas of their life. However, as people focus on the worst, it is as if they attract it.

In your relationship do you fear they will leave you, cheat on you, or die? When we focus on these things, all it is doing is making us anxious and frustrated. When we throw that energy into the air the other person feels it. Why do you think they don’t want to have sex with you?  

There is not a lot written about the energy of relationships. How negatives attract negatives. In, at first, centering ourselves in our loving hearts and interacting with people in this way, we attract that back from them. According to Dr. Wayne Dyer, people just want to feel good. Does it make you feel good when you worry about being right and putting your partner down for what they did to you? Do you feel good when you yell at your children for what they did wrong? Shoot, my ex-fiancé would remind me of things I did five years before. Finally, one day I said to her, “Yeah, that sounds like something I did in the past. I am just grateful that I have learned and grown from that.” In refusing to give in to the arguments and remain centered in peace, other people will get confused and often angry. Well, she sure did. However the more you hold onto the loving, eventually they will shift to the loving too. This is a counseling skill that therapists learn that is called “Containment”.

In keeping the high ground and refusing to argue we choose to bond in the joy of life. This is so different than what we have been trained to do, but do you want to continue to be a robot, at the will of society, or be your own person. This type of acting out brings joy, health, and loving relationships. If you are in a habit of fighting with your partner, ask yourself if you want to continue to do so, or try something else? Trust me, many times an argument feels fun, but there are other ways to enjoy the company of another person. As yourself is it more important to be right or simply feel love?

I had my fill of people bonding in the drama when I attended 12 Steps meetings. For you people that are involved in AA, this is not a stab at AA because many elements of that program are in ours, however, the meetings are a different beast. If you never attended an AA meeting, usually a speaker will talk about their bottom which caused them to crawl to AA. In Malibu, where I attended the bulk of my AA meetings, megastars would try to one-up each other about how low they got. Is the intent of doing this to make people feel better? Wouldn’t you think the meeting would be better if people shared the tools they used to get back on their feet and improve their lives?

But we are conditioned to focus on the worst things. Maybe they believe when people hear about how bad it was for them, our situation may not seem as bad? I’m not sure. I tried to make that approach work for years. Still, people were constantly relapsing. For this reason, I continued my education to discover something that would benefit people.

When we focus on the negatives it creates depression. Why do it? This is what I love about Psychology. Psychology allows a person to look at what they do and assess if it works or not. Does the worst-case thinking help you in your life? With Engineers on the job it does help but in relationships – no. That is because we cannot fix anyone else.

Let me ask you something. Do you know how to fix another person? According to Steven Covey, in his “7 Habits of Highly Successful People” book, he talked about the Circle of Influence vs. the Circle of Concern. The only person we can influence is ourselves (the Circle of Influence). We literally have no control over others. The Circle of Concern is others; Other people only have the ability to influence themselves. If you are focused on changing another person, that can seem manipulative. In playing the control game, do you love and accept the other person?

Allowing people the dignity of changing themselves is love. If they ask for help it is different. This means they are open to your help. If you force yourself on them, try to change their thinking, or the way they act, you have become a bully.

My grandmother used to say, at first people fall madly in love – not with the person but the fantasy. After a few months, the spell ends and suddenly all the warts start to show. If you still love them then it is a good match.

If we try to change somebody, we really don’t love and accept them. It is a harsh reality to accept this but it is true. When your friend or loved one is depressed, they have chosen to be depressed. It is okay to give them the dignity of their own process. Don’t you get down? Do you want somebody to force you to be happy? That can be rude. Grandma used to say, “I never give anybody advise, but if they ask me a question, I do my best to give them a good answer.”

The wisdom of the elderly is overlooked in this society. They have been there and gotten through difficult situations. Unfortunately, we are not getting through difficulties if we bond in the drama. Is trying to one-up another person and show them that our pain is much greater helping the situation?  

In focusing on the best thing that can happen elevates the mood, gives us hope and makes us healthier. Negativity zaps our strength, makes us sick, and speeds up the aging process. Hey, I still have my hair, to the envy of my friends. 

Compassionate Care is Always Available

There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.

For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry.  We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.

May you have good mental health.