Getting Socially Healthy

In Graduate School we were taught to take care of our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs simultaneously in order for the change to stick. If we only focused on improving ourselves physically, for example, weight loss, then it will also impact the underlying mental and emotional levels causing us to be unstable and usually, we’d slide back into the same physical condition. This is a great model to follow, as I continued my studies, I’ve been intrigued with also caring for our social needs.

No Man is an Island

– John Donne

People have social needs. This becomes very apparent as you view survival shows in which people are isolated from others for a lengthy time. We were born with the instinct to bond and if we fail to achieve that, major depression can result. If bonding was not established in early life it makes matters worse, since this is our emotional footing. Without the initial bond,  we seek it out desperately as an adult. There is a lot of research on the initial bonds not being established where young children will die or become psychotic. Fear not, if you had a difficult childhood and failed to establish a close connection with someone, this can be reestablished, believe it or not with yourself. Once you establish this primary bond internally it is important to then bond with another.

You may wonder why it is recommended to bond with yourself first when the desire is to bond with another person. It’s simple, without the know-how of doing so, then bonding with another person becomes extremely troublesome.

Developmentally speaking, if we never established an initial bond with another person, more than likely we lack trust, and unfortunately, we will attract somebody into our life at our same developmental stage and all hell will break loose. Why is this? Because when we were small our parents or similar folks who were in our life gave us a blueprint of how to be in relationships. If they yelled, held grudges, cheated, were jealous, and fought, then more than likely, you will do that too.

Codependent relationships stem from the difficulties in the early years of life. Many will create a fantasy bond with another person, not seeing the person as they are but only seeing them the way they want. Even if they are abusive, cheat, lie, or steal, this doesn’t matter because, with a developmental wound, all we want is that elusive bond – no matter what the price.

Since a fantasy bond can be so strong it is important to know that this was created in our minds. This same ability to fantasize about another person can also be established with bonding with oneself through reparenting exercises.  

Grab a pillow and imagine it is the baby you. How do parents give love to young children? This may be obvious to most, but if you never felt the love of a parent this can be confusing. Children need affection, to be touched, held, kissed, and praised. If not, certain brain structures don’t properly develop. No need to worry, because as you do the reparenting work on yourself, these brain structures tend to improve!

But why can’t we make them do all these things to us? That would be nice but not realistic since these types of relationships burn out rather quickly. Developmentally speaking, once children obtain their initial bond it is important for them to become their own person, explore their world, but with the knowledge that they are loved and have worth.

Years ago, I had some friends that got married that were not Fred and Ethel, they were Fred/Ethel. When I called to talk to Fred, immediately he would get Ethel on the phone so we could all talk. They were like Siamese Twins joined at the hip. Four years later they hated each other.

The real issue is how are you with you? So many people get tied into the emotions of their partner and if their partner is down, they are down. The most important issue in a relationship is if the other person is down, it is important to remain up. If both of you jump in the well, you are both sure to drown.

Our relationships reflect our relationship with ourselves. If we are pushing ourselves, not listening, not keeping commitments, and negative, well.. just guess how you are with them. This is why self-bonding is so important. Oh, it is more than hugging a pillow. Try opposite handwriting conversations on paper, where your dominant hand represents you now and the opposite hand represents the younger you. Talk to your younger self, let it talk about his or her hurts and fears. Ask the younger you what they want from you. Again, nobody is going to fulfill its desires until you do that first. I recommend for my clients to do activities with their opposite hand or foot – which represents their younger self. Toss or kick a ball. Draw a picture with your opposite hand and hang it on your refrigerator. Play a game. Brush your teeth or comb your hair offhanded. For enhanced healing to take place, you want to get into the trenches with your younger most self and maybe have some fun with him or her.

Our relationship with ourselves we bring into the public. If we are happy with ourselves then others tend to be happy with us. When you are down people kick you, when you are up people want to love you. Your love will not come from the outside until it comes from within.

Try to fill your heart with love and compassion in your next social interaction. Lead with your love instead of your fear. May you find success.

Compassionate Care is Always Available

There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.

For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry.  We are here virtually and in person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.

May you have good mental health.