Let Go of Being Right for a Change – The Illusion

I recently read the book Buddhism 101 by the Dalai Lama and noticed a lot of similarities with psychology. What struck me was their belief that everything in life is just an illusion. Something happens, it goes through our filter, and we make it either good or bad. Therefore, fine-tuning our filter to how the Buddhists urge – seeing each person’s “loving essence” can free us from frustration, anger, and despair.  

Albert Ellis, who was the innovator of Rational Emotive Therapy – or what is commonly known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy believed that if we had errors in our judgments (our filter), problems would occur. To help people change erroneous thinking he created his ABC model.

         A – an event takes place

         B – our beliefs makes it either good or bad

Then we enact a behavior

         C – There are consequences to the behavior

If the results work out properly, we are rational. If it doesn’t, we must,

         D – Dispute our thinking, change it, and if that works out

         E – The Effect is being Rational

Errors occur when an event takes place, we don’t really see it as it is and pair it with something that happened in our past. Letting go of past affiliations and seeing things as they are, can help us see the truth.

Let’s relate this to the dating process. My grandmother used to say when we first meet someone, they are the greatest thing on earth. Our wildest dream just came true and then warts start to show up. She believed if you still cared about the person, warts and all, it was a good match.

Therefore letting go of the fantasy of who they are and seeing them for who they really are can reduce a lot of heartache down the road.  

Do you really see what is happening in life in your life? Sigmund Freud believed we had a lot of defense mechanisms that would bolster our filter to see things as we wanted. I am sure you are familiar with the terms “Denial” or “Projection” in which we point our finger at someone and three are pointing back at ourselves. In “owning” the projection and realizing that as we judge someone, we are really judging ourselves.

On the first day of graduate school, my teachers told us there is no right and wrong but just learning. That was a hard pill for me to swallow, coming from a family whose rule was to put others down so you can win. In all actuality when we win, the other person loses, and are beneficial relationships built on that?

Buddhists work hard on themselves to have no judgments and simply see a person’s loving essence. They don’t need to put them down or fantasize about them but simply love them. How would this world be if people honored one another? We teach people in our outpatient programs to get centered in their loving hearts and use heart-centered listening when somebody is talking to them. Once the person finishes their statement, the tool “perception checking” is used to repeat back to them what was heard. How loving is this? What people say to us is meaningful to them and when you honor their words, an interesting byproduct takes place, they honor yours.

Clearing our filter means having no judgments. Please remember that you have a different set of rules than others. Instead of fighting over who is right or wrong, let people have the dignity of their beliefs. Who made us in charge of everybody anyway? People create the rules they live by through trial and error. We are all unique and come from different backgrounds. In therapy, you can work on adjusting your own rules but let others work on their own.

Seeing things without judgment is a skill that can be developed. We call it being the Neutral Observer. From a neutral place look at what is taking place and avoid the label of good or bad, but just see it as it is. When we live life from a judgmental place, negativity tends to take place – within us. From a non-judgmental place, life is more relaxing.

Judgments can lead to anger, anxiety, or bad behaviors that limit our lives. They have a poor influence on our health. If you suffer from hypertension or stomach ailments, this might be the cause. Is it that important to be right or would you rather be healthy?

Give it a try. Let go of being right for a change and simply listen to what somebody is saying. Ask them questions to tell you more about what they are talking about. See where the conversation goes without trying to lead it. In doing so you will realize how amazing the person you are talking with really is.

Compassionate Care is Always Available

There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.

For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry.  We are here virtually and in-person to help you get through this COVID-19 pandemic and many other difficulties you may be experiencing.

May you have good mental health.