Valentine’s Day – A Make it or Break it?

Did this past Valentine’s day make or break your relationship? This is a pivotal day for people in relationships because you will discover the actual state the partnership is in.  If problems exist, they won’t go away on their own, work needs to be done and not on your partner but on you. This is because the health of your relationship reflects the relationship you have with yourself.

If you feel your partner is bitter, angry, doesn’t communicate properly, hold resentments, only focuses only on the negatives, guess who is the same – you. Does your partner never want to be intimate? Do you have poor communication? Do you easily get upset when your partner acts in ways that you don’t want them too? If so, then it is time for your own personal tune-up because the real problem lays within yourself and you can’t change them.

Laws of Attraction

It is humbling to realize that the true relationship lays within ourselves. If we are up people love us, when we are down people kick us. This is also referred to as the “Law of Attraction”. Relationships are complex because we are. Each person brings into the relationship the dynamics of their family of origin and often these early childhood patterns are repeated. If you had a good family system then it is natural to have more peace and love in the relationship. If not… well, let’s just say peace and love might not be the ultimate goal but being right is. Do you have the need to be right and be in control? Functional relationships are founded on compromise, being flexible, and overall intimacy – and this doesn’t only refer to sexuality.

Since the real issue is about your relationship with yourself. It is important to realize that as you open up your heart to you, you begin to attract this in others. Therefore, to begin changing, start off by telling yourself happy “Valentine’s Day”. This simple act begins an incredible journey of improving your relationship with you and then with others. It is an inside out job. As counselors, we are taught the skill of “Containment”. This means that we need to hold a feeling that we would like our client to experience. For example, if they are in fear, we need to hold onto a sense of peace and love. As we model these feelings, it helps them to experience the same. Give this a try. Surround yourself with a feeling of love and then talk to your partner while holding onto this feeling and make a note of how they react. It can be a shocking change.

Family of Origin

Take a moment to think about how your parents interacted with each other. Were they distant? Did they yell? Did they drink? Did they pull in a child and blame them for everything? And the big question is, how do you do the same thing in your current relationship? It is not uncommon to think, act and even relate to the world in the same way your parents did. How did your parents vote? Do you do the same? What were their beliefs about money? How about you. It is important to understand that we are not victims of our family and do not have to stay within this rule set but can amend them and become the person we desire to be.

Why hasn’t anybody else educated us on relationships and how to interact? Do you find yourself in judgment and looking at the faults in your partner? If so, then you most likely do the same thing with you. Why not catch your partner doing something right? Why not find goodness in yourself as well? Relationships are founded on two people relating. How often do you communicate with your partner and from the heart? People just want to feel good. In you making yourself right all the time it makes the other person wrong. These transactional relationships die and die-hard. Let go of the right / wrong game and share love. Isn’t that what you want anyway? So why not provide it? Or, maybe it isn’t love that you want at all. For many people fighting is fun and fosters closeness in a low energy way. Though these relationships often lead to domestic violence and it is not uncommon for people to die. Still, relationships reflect your innermost self and if you are at war with you, you will be at war with them.

Be honest with yourself. Do you want to love or hurt your partner? The amazing thing is that love is against everything we have been taught. My friend’s granddaughter was sitting with us and I asked little Hannah who does she love. She rattled off a lot of names with a smile. I asked her why she didn’t include herself and she said, “You’re not supposed to love yourself. That is just wrong”. Four years old and already Hannah bought into the falsehood that we should not love ourselves. I told her, “How can you love other people if you don’t love you. You can’t give away what you don’t have.” And after a few moments of contemplation, she smiled and stated, “Then I love me!”

Loving Ourselves First

Why not love ourselves? If not, then why would your partner love you? What are your loveable qualities? These are of most importance. Instead of buying gifts and paying for your partner to love you, show your true inner beauty which is priceless. Center yourself in your loving heart and communicate from that place. See the loving essence of the person in front of you. Know that they, like you are a miracle and have made the decision to be with you – for some reason and be grateful.  Move away from all the techniques, all the words that you think will woo their heart and simply show them your own. I often ask people to not think but go from their gut. Listening to your inner voice is key. When a thought bubbles up, go with it. If a thought comes in to give a hug or a kiss, then follow suit. When that voice presents itself it is perfect timing to follow suit. Make sure it is heart-centered which will provide the warmth that you desire.

Here is wishing that your subsequent Valentine’s Days are prosperous.

Compassionate Care is Always Available

There are many more tools and strategies you can use in your pursuit of happiness. Here is where we come in. Contact us at Basic Steps Mental Health and let us support and educate you on this journey back to your loving heart center. Imagine living a heart-centered life, regardless of what is happening externally. We’d love to be of help.

For 25 years, Dr. Scott Alpert, the clinical director of Basic Steps Mental Health, has treated over 7,000 people with mental health and addiction problems, using a Psychological approach that mixes and matches ten of the top approaches used in the industry.